More Jokes

I heard it ‘charm school’ and ‘Fabulous!’

A pessimist assumes all woman are bad, and an optimist hopes so.

Its been two years since the last recorded sighting of Elvis. I hope nothing has happened to him.

I got my wife a French Maid outfit to brighten things up a bit. Didn’t work - house is still a mess.

I call my horse Mayo,

Sometimes Mayo neighs.

Why can chess Bishops only more diagonally?

Because north, south, east and west are Cardinal directions.

A man walks into a sperm bank.

The doctor says “get a load of this guy”

How do you make a condom for frogs?

Rib it.

@Prof.Pepperwinkle : Good stuff! Have you discovered the fabled Bottomless Well of Dad Jokes?

A great many of mine come from Reddit’s joke subthread. And I do look at other sites as well.

She didn’t. He stiffed her.


Yeah, so after that, he refused to pay her?

I invented a joke the other day while making chili. It’s a little gross & risque, but not enough to spoiler blur (I think) since we’re all adults here:

The head cook at a restaurant has to run out on a quick errand, so he gives his assistant a couple tasks to do while he’s gone.

When he gets back, he finds his assistant furiously masturbating into a big pot of chili. The head cook says…

“You idiot, I said to add CUMIN seed!”

My favorite Jack Handey:

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

A birthday card I gave a friend years ago:

The phone rings.

“Urology department, can you hold?”

Reminds me of a joke I heard years ago:

Former Olympic Gold medal-winning skier Picabo Street went to nursing school afterward, and now she’s a nurse in an Intensive Care ward.

She answers the phone “Picabo, I.C.U.”

^ Supoib!

My favorite Jack Handey (at least, I think it’s a Jack Handey)-- just a classic, well constructed joke:

When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa did …

…not screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car.

Which reminds me of one of my favorite Emo Philips jokes:

My girlfriend got mad at me because I didn’t open the car door for her…

…but I was too busy swimming to the surface.

I don’t get it.

The other times, not everyone was there so they talked trash about the absent woman/women. Since they only talked trash – behind the absent women’s backs – nobody could say anything.

A weasel walks into a bar

The bartender says “Wow! In all my years bartending I’ve never had a weasel stop by! What can I get you?”

“Pop” goes the weasel.

Would have been better to say: “Everyone’s here today.”

“If God dwells inside us, I hope He likes enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting” ~Jack Handey

“My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.” ~Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. ~Steven Wright

“Love is the answer. But while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.” ~Woody Allen

“What’s going down, Normie?”
“My butt cheeks on that bar stool.” ~Norm Peterson, Cheers.

More from Norm…

My dad wasn’t around when I was growing up. He never did a thing for me. But then, I suppose, if it weren’t for him I would not even be here. Thanks for nuttin’, Dad.


I hate hotel towels…So thick and fluffy.

I can’t even close my suitcase.

A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean.

Apparently the survivors are marooned.

A doctor’s receptionist is working away when she sees a nun running out of the doctor’s office in floods of tears.

“What’s up with her?” asked the receptionist.

“Oh, I told her she was pregnant”, answered the doctor.

“Oh, no! That’s terrible”.

“Don’t worry,” said the doctor, “she’s not, but it’s cured her hiccups”.

Q. How do you find Will Smith after a blizzard?

A. Follow the Fresh Prints.