What goes around a button?
A goat.
A-buttin’
What’s a four-letter word for ‘hard butter’?
Goat.
Aibohphobia - the fear of palindromes.
A duck walks into a bar. Asks the bartender “Got any grapes?” Bartender says “No, this is a bar - we have alcohol, no grapes.” Duck says “OK”, and walks out.
Next day, the duck walks back into the bar. Asks the bartender “Got any grapes?” Bartender says “No, this is a bar - we have alcohol, no grapes.” Duck says “OK”, and walks out.
This goes on every day for a week. The bartender is getting pretty sick of the duck, so the next time he walks in and asks for grapes, the bartender says “Listen - we ain’t got no grapes. We have never had any grapes, we never will have grapes. You ask me again, and I’ll nail your bill to the bar!” Duck says “OK”, and walks out.
Next day, the duck walks back into the bar. Asks the bartender “Got any nails?” The bartender says “No…” Duck says “OK, got any grapes?”
A guy says to the bartender, “I bet you $100 I can bite my eye.” The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “You’re on.” The guy pulls out his prosthetic eye and bites it. The bartender says, “Wow! Well, a bet’s a bet…” and reaches for his wallet.
“Wait, wait…double or nothing, I bet I can bite my nose.” The bartender thinks for a moment—no such thing as a false nose, right? and says, “You’re on.” The guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his nose. The bartender says, “Damn! Well, a bet’s a bet…” and reaches again for his wallet.
“Wait, wait…double or nothing. Wow, this is a great bar you have. Oak, is it? 20 feet long?”
“Yes, oak. 25 feet actually.”
“OK, I bet you that I can stand at one end and piss into a shotglass at the other end.”
The bartender lays down many rules. The guy can’t piss into a long straw or tube that leads to the shot glass, for instance. He can’t turn on a fan behind him to make the piss fly farther. He must fill the shot glass—1 drop isn’t enough to win the bet. This has slowly drawn the attention of other patrons and there’s a crowd watching when he finally climbs up on the bar, unzips his fly, and starts.
He doesn’t get anywhere near the shot glass. Piss is flying everywhere, getting in the drinks, on the customers, etc. but he fails miserably. He climbs down from the bar, chuckling.
The bartender asks, “What gives? You had $200 and could have walked away with it…you knew you couldn’t do that!”
The guy says, “See those two guys over there? I bet them $1000 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn’t say a thing about it.”
I thought it was an IRS agent and his desk.
Let’s have that joke in Song Form!
What do you call a Frenchman in flip flops?
Phillipe Phillope.
The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is always…
…just a whim away
How do you make leaves fall off of trees?
You don’t - they do it autumn-atically.
I have emotional constipation
Haven’t given a crap in days.
My doctor said I was crazy, I told him I wanted a second opinion, and he said “You’re ugly”.
I made a graph showing all of my past relationships.
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.
Two potatoes stand on the street corner. How do you tell which one’s the hooker?
It’s the one with the sticker that says Idaho!
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road.
It’s the big one with no neck and a ‘9’ on its shirt
Q: How do you stop a bull from charging?
A: Take away its credit card.
Q: Why do mice have such small balls?
A: With the costs of renting a hall, tuxedos, etc., few can afford it.
Q: Did you hear about the farmer who had his tractor recalled?
A: He got a John Deere letter.
Siri, why am I so bad with women?
‘This is Alexa’’
If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again,
Because your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years
People always ask me how I know so many Dad jokes.
Well, it’s because I keep them in a Dad-a-base.
What does Jeff Bezos do before he goes to bed?
He puts his pajAmazon.
Sorry if this one has already been posted, but it came up in a conversation the other day.
Q. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A. I don’t know, and I don’t care!
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, "If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife!
He said, "Why? Is she super-hot too?
I said, “No, she’s an optometrist!”
Who is this Rorschach guy
…and why does he keep drawing pictures of my parents fighting?
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday…
Not only is it terrible, it’s also terrible.
So this moth walks into a podiatrists’s office. Just this giant, man-sized moth walks right in. The podiatrist says “Uh… hello there, Mr. Moth. What seems to be the problem?”
The moth says, “Problem? My God, man, where do I start? My life is a nightmare… it’s a living hell.”
The podiatrist is intrigued. “Is that so?”
“It is,” the moth says. “Doc, let me tell you how my day goes. I wake up every morning not a bit more rested than I was the night before. I toss and turn all night in a sequence of night terrors and fitful dreams. Then I have to drag myself off to a job I hate more than I can possible express. a job I’ve been doing for twenty years and I want to quit so bad I can almost taste it, but what can I do? We’re in debt right up to my compound eyes. My boss treats me like dirt, abusing and belittling me at every turn. Hell, I don’t even know what my duties are anyone, I just drift from moment to moment in sheer misery when I’m not escaping into daydreams of being a completely different man. Then after a day of sheer exhaustion and humiliation I drag myself home, fighting traffic all the way, and nothing gets better. My wife and I, it’s like we’re on two escalators, both going down away from each other ion opposite directions. I loved her once, but we barely speak, we barely know each other. We’re living in the same house only out of sheer inertia. Doc…”
“Sir,” the podiatrist tries to say, but the moth has more.
“… my daughter, she’s making all these terrible decisions. She’s dropped out of school, she’s living with this guy who’s no good for her. She spends all her time smoking weed and deciding what ugly tattoo to get next. I can’t talk to her because she resents me and my wife can’t talk to her because they resent each other, and my wife and I can’t talk about it because we resent each other even more. It’s all my fault I’m sure, I just didn’t provide the right guidance… God, I’m so stupid, so useless, I’ve ruined more lives than my own.”
“Sir…”
“And doc, my son… I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I don’t think I love him anymore. I look in his eyes and all I see is the same disgusting, feckless cowardice I see in my own eyes every time I look at my exhausted, wizened reflection in the mirror… the same cowardice that if only I could turn just a tiny bit of it into a moment of will, why, I’d take out the gun in my closet and blow my own worthless brains out. But I don’t even have the guts to do that, Doc. I’m not even man enough for that. Doctor, even though I’m a moth, you know what I feel like? A spider, hanging my a single, frayed thread over a yawning chasm, a vortex of doom that threatens to swallow me whole, one that’s already swallowed every hope, every ambition, every dream I ever had, and left me with nothing but despair, a black cloak that covers my very soul. I’m too afraid to die and too depressed to go on living.”
“Oh my God,” the podiatrist says. “Sir… you ARE in trouble! You have serious problems! But… um, I have to think you’ve come to the wrong place. You need a psychiatrist, or a therapist, maybe a priest or a rabbi if that’s your thing. I’m just a podiatrist. I work with feet. Why on earth did you come in here?”
And the moth says, “'Cause the light was on!”
A reader of the Votemaster sent in, and they printed, the following:
P.M. in Simi Valley, CA, writes : A man once had some baby seagulls and he carried them around. In doing so, he stepped over a sleeping lion. After that he set the gulls down by a tank with porpoises cavorting in it. He was then promptly arrested. What was he arrested for? Transporting young gulls over staid lions for amoral porpoises.
If this doesn’t win the thread, I can’t imagine what will.
Round of applause for that one Rickjay
I think I need to work the vacuum cleaner one into a conversation.
One of my favorite jokes.
For those that don’t know, Norm MacDonald telling this joke:
