Dammit, I don’t get that last one.
Think Trump booking
ETA: I just told that joke to my son (via text) and had to explain it. He told me it was from having the guards empty your prison wallet (AKA rectum). Yes, he works in a prison.
Wow, gross. I thought it was a joke about the weight Trump claimed on his arrest form.
Yeah, the joke was about Trump’s weight (claim). The prison wallet is the mildest prison talk I’ve heard from my son. ProTip: stay out of prison.
Right, it was about Trump’s claimed weight.
Dammit, ruin my weekend plans, whydontcha?
The prison wallet scene from Deadpool 2. The pen he stashed there becomes a running gag in the movie.
Why does gallows humor not always have a punchline?
Sometimes, they prefer to keep you hanging.
Irony of life!
The doctor hopes you fall ill.
The police hopes you become a criminal.
The lawyer hopes you get into trouble.
The priest wants you to get married.
The coffin maker wants you dead.
Only a thief wishes you prosperity in life!
Why aren’t school shooting jokes funny?
They’re too easy a target, and aimed at a very young audience…
Netflix is soon releasing an extremely realistic documentary series about the life of Abraham Lincoln.
The finale is shot before a live audience.
You know what’s better than Tennessee?
Elevennessee.
Started dating a girl. I thought she might be the one.
But after looking through her wardrobe, and finding a nurse’s outfit, a French maid’s outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, I finally decided: If she can’t hold down a job, she’s not for me.
Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.
The first guy peers into it and says, “Wow! That looks deep.”
The second guy says, “It sure does. Let’s throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We’ll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing.”
So they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. Nothing. There’s no noise.
The first guy says, “Jeeez. That is really deep. I know, let’s throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.”
So they pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait… and wait… Again, nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. Then the first guy gets a determined look on his face and says, “Hey, over here in the weeds, there’s a railroad tie. Help me carry it over. When we toss that sucker in, it’s gotta make some noise.”
So the two of them drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Once again, not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it’s legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen and look at each other in amazement.
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. He asks them, “Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?”
The first guy says, “You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole and disappeared!”
“Nah”, says the farmer, “That couldn’t have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”
I say, I say, I say, I have made a model of Mt. Everest.
Not to scale, just to look at.
How do you get a nice little old lady to say, “FUCK!”?
Get another little old lady to yell “Bingo!”
What is Mitch McConnell’s favorite movie?
Frozen.
I’m having a real hard time sorting out that goat joke.
mmm
It is not the GOAT of jokes.
The goat was chained to the railroad tie. Probably with a very long chain.
Doesn’t that just get your goat?
And we still don’t know how deep the hole is!
Should have thrown that joke in the hole.
Sorry I couldn’t figure out how to search the thread, so I apologize if this one has been told before:
Justice is a dish best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
And if it were served hot, it would be justeam (or is that juststeam?)
Let’s go down to the quarry and throw stuff in there!
Oh wow - I have NOT missed that! But, you made it funny.
I applied to the local rock quarry…
Apparently getting stoned is not acceptable prior work experience.
Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong…
I don’t judge. Whatever floats your goat.
A man shouted into a cave, “Anyone in there?”
A sound in the cave immediately replied, “WHOOOOOOOOOOOO”.
Then he got run over by a train.
My Bluetooth speaker wasn’t working so I threw it into the lake…
Now it’s syncing.
Devil: This is the lake of lava in which you will spend Eternity!
Me: Actually, since we’re underground, it would be magma.
Devil: You understand this is why you’re here, right?