“Eightiest” works if they believe 1.25%.
Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand and hand these days.
I wasn’t surprised when one of my daughter’s friends showed me a delicate little
Japanese symbol on her hip. “Please don’t tell my parents,” she begged.
“I won’t,” I promised. “By the way, what does that stand for?”
“Honesty,” she said.
In honor of our armed forces, the University of South Carolina football team used
the backs of players’ jerseys to display a little patriotism.
They placed words like Duty, Service, Courage, and Commitment where players’ names would normally go. During the game against the University of Florida, a fight broke out,
prompting the television commentator to announce, “It looked like Integrity threw
the first punch.”
Our grandson’s scoutmaster must have fainted when he saw what he’d texted to
his troop’s parents: “Scouts 7:00 Sharp at the Church. We will finish up Aviation,
Cycling, and Gynecology Merit Badges.”
That was followed by this message three minutes later: “Change of Plans. We
will not be finishing up the Gynecology Merit Badge. Instead, it will be the
Genealogy Merit Badge.”
Playing around with my new iTouch, I decided to get directions to my son’s base
from my home in Maryland. So I typed “Wahiawa, Hawaii.”
I got turn-by-turn directions until I hit the coast. Then I was told, “Kayak across the Pacific Ocean entering Hawaii.”
I ate a gluten-free, lactose-free, low-carb pizza for dinner tonight.
(It was a raw tomato.)
A woman says to her husband, “If I’d known you were this poor, I’d never have married you!”
The husband replies, “But I told you that you were the most valuable thing in my life!”
For those of you who are about to get married, here’s something to consider:
On the one hand, you get to wear a really cool ring.
On the other hand….you don’t.
I say, I say, I say, I read earlier that the person most likely to kill you is yourself.
But not if I kill him first.
I asked my Bri*ish friend why he didn’t pronounce his T’s.
He said it’s because the Americans all threw it into Boston Harbour.
Ten little monkeys jumping on the bed, one jumped off and bumped his head.
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said:
We don’t accept your insurance.
Did you hear about the marriage between the girl from Dublin and the boy from New Orleans?
It was quite the O’Cajun.
I just took three teen girls on a holiday for a week as a single parent and said almost exactly the same thing after. And I really believed that I had thought of it first!
A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room.
He says to the police officer, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
“You are the lawyer,” says the policeman.
“Exactly, so where’s my present?”
I got arrested at the airport last week…
Apparently, security doesn’t appreciate it when you call “shotgun” before boarding a plane.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.
Why did the police officer arrest the skeleton?
They could see the joint in his hand.
If the police arrest a mime,
do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
I told my wife I saw an alien on the way to work this morning.
She said, "How do you know it’s on its way to work?”
I saw an ad that said “TV for sale, $10. The volume stuck on full.”
I said, “I can’t turn that down.”
I asked seven billionaires the secret to their success, and they all said the same thing:
“How did you get in here?”
My pal was in the army. He ate all the pudding rations.
He was shot for desserting.
I say, I say, I say, I told my doctor my arms was broken in two places.
He said, “Don’t go to those two places.”
Thought I learned this from watching Ferrous Buehler’s Day Off…
I think I saw that movie, but my memory’s a little rusty…
A man in India claimed that he could predict the price of bread at every restaurant he went to –
Absolute naansense.
What do you call a vehicle with no fuel in Africa?
Outtagascar
A scientist was walking on the street during hot summer day.
“Wow, it’s hot” he complained.
“Tell me about it” said the Sun above.
The scientist was surprised.
“Wow! Sound propagation through space!”
My buddy said, “What rhymes with orange?”
I pondered for a while and thought…“No, it doesn’t.”
What burns longer, a red candle or a blue candle?
Neither, they both burn shorter.
ADC may have done this joke, but he didn’t write it–I heard it before he was born.
I heard it as:
Jack and Jill went up the hill.
They each had a buck and a quarter.
Jill came back with two and a half,
And you thought they went up for water!
The local minister approaches a lady following the service, and remarks, “I couldn’t help but notice that your husband left my sermon mid-way today.”
To which the lady responds with a shrug, “Please don’t take it to heart, Reverend. He’s been sleepwalking for years.”
A man answers his door and finds a piano tuner waiting on the step. ‘Can I help?,’ says the man, ‘I haven’t ordered a piano tuner.’
‘I know you haven’t,’ replies the piano tuner. ‘Your neighbors did for you.’
Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror is when girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror is when both are pregnant!
Tragedy is when you are not responsible for either!
A waiter approaches a table celebrating their daughters graduation…
Father: Our daughter just graduated from SCU with an English degree!
Waiter: That’s so great! Congratulations! I actually have a Master’s degree in English Literature myself. Can I get you folks started with some chips and salsa?
A man is explaining the concepts of time travel.
He speaks of how you must not manipulate what happened before, because that is how the current events occurred. However, it may be possible to change what will happen, due to quantum uncertainty.
In summary, he passed the past, presented the present and featured the future.
Wow, I heard that one in the 70s: “Why is Linda Ronstadt suddenly singing all those slow songs?”
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place.
He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
A guy is driving along but gets pulled over by a traffic cop for going 1 mph over the limit
The guy steps out of his car and the cop asks in a sarcastic tone why he is so important to be driving that fast. The guy replies carefully that he is on his way to his next job. “Oh yeah, " the cop replies, " and what is that, President?” “No,” the guy replies, “I’m a rectum stretcher,”
“Oh, so what does that entail?” the cop asks, now intrigued. “Well, I put a finger in an asshole and wiggle it about, then I slip in another and repeat until both hands are in, then I fit my arm in and stretch it further, then I step in and give it a final stretch until its about 6 feet”. “Ok,” says the policeman." and what do you do with a 6-foot asshole?" “Well,” replies the guy." you put it in a uniform and give him a speed camera."
My parents divorced over Monopoly.
My dad was mono, my mom was poly.
My wife had the audacity to call me pretentious!
I was so appalled my monocle fell out!
Bob Barker arrives at the Pearly Gates, but St. Peter won’t let him in.
Then he hears a voice say, “Come on down.”
Someone else I saw said that he hoped that Barker would reach 100.
Well, he got as close as he could without going over.
Miss Piggy: “Pretentious? Moi???”
‘Whom? I?’
(Not Miss Piggy, but a renter at the FBO where my mom worked. ‘Oh, you know. Old "Whom? I?’.)
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around, that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”
The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”
Why is the speed of light so controversial in Germany?
Some people don’t like it that the highway has a speed limit.
Chuck Norris…
… can strangle you with a cordless phone.
I say, I say, I say, what is an investor’s favorite hamburger?
A quarterly compounder.
What’s the fastest way to lose 50 pounds?
Get booked at the Fulton County Jail.