Good, very good. Technical hell.
Why is there a ring of salt around the rim of a margarita glass?
To keep the spirits from escaping.
A co-worker is in the hospital after eating a giant bacon cheeseburger.
It was mine.
The teacher asked little Jimmy who discovered America -
He replied ‘It wasn’t me’.
The teacher asked him again. ‘Who discovered America?’
He, once again replied ‘It wasn’t me.’
One last time the teacher asked him.
And again he replied, now a little louder ‘I swear to god, it wasn’t me!’
The teacher had enough and called little Jimmys father.
‘I asked him who discovered America’ the teacher said, ‘and his response was It wasn’t me.’
‘Well…’ his father said, ‘maybe it really wasn’t him.’
What do mermaids use to wash their fins?
Tide
How many American conservatives do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
Ten.
One holds the bulb, the other nine wait for Fox News to spin it.
A male vegan and a female vegan each way 165 pounds. They are dressed identically. They jump off a cliff, each arguing that they’ll land first. Who wins?
Society.
My fitness instructor advised me to wear loose clothing while exercising.
I would not have joined the gym if I had any loose clothing.
I say, I say, I say, whenever I go to parties I always bring my teddy bear with me.
It’s my plush one.
I dated a zombie a long time ago.
She fell apart when we broke up.
What’s the difference between a plum and a rabbit?
They’re both purple, except for the rabbit.
What do you call a man who hits himself with an axe?
An ambulance.
Three mice are drinking in a bar late at night
They are well into their cups, and boasting to each other. The first mouse says, “I like to get all the mouse and rat poison in the house and make a soup, then I pour myself a big mug and drink it down!”
The second mouse says, “I like to find the biggest rat trap, kick the cheese out and do pushups with the spring bar!”
The third mouse drains his bourbon, slams the glass on the bar, and stands up. “I’m sick of all this bullshit from the two of you. I’m gonna go home and fuck the cat.”
Where do paladins go to get a bite to eat?
An all-knight diner.
If a priest is a white collar worker…
…is a nun a creature of habit?
‘What flavours of ice cream do you have?’ enquired the customer.
‘Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate,’ answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.
Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, ‘Do you have laryngitis?’
‘No …’ replied the new waitress with some effort, ‘just … erm … vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate.’
What do you call two ambulance drivers?
Paramedics.
They were a fastidious couple.
She was fast; he was tedious.
And of course, two doctors are a paradox.
I used to date a nun. She told me, you can give me a kiss, but don’t get in the habit.
Man orders a beer at the bar.
While he’s served, he looks out of the window at a woman waiting in a car. She waves to him and he waves back, sipping his beer.
“You see, it’s my wife,” he tells the bartender. “She’s been driving me to drink.”
When one door closes, another door opens.
Outside of that, I love my new car.
Ego and SuperEgo walk into a bar.
The bartenders says, “I’m gonna need to see some ID.”
The flight attendant asks the passenger, “Coffee or tea?”
The passenger replies, “Coffee”.
The attendant responds, “Wrong, it’s tea.”
Why did SeaWorld close?
It was being reporpoised.
I have a serious fear of elevators.
I’m taking steps to avoid them.
I say, I say, I say, why can’t you hear a pterodactyl when it goes to the bathroom?
Because they’re dead.
What’s a forklift?
Food, usually.
How do people in wheelchairs go down stairs?
Very quickly.
One day a man was working at a lumber mill and his finger got cut off.
When he got home after work and told his wife she asked, “The whole finger?” He replied, “No, the one next to it.”
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop
any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned
on me.
I, for one, like Roman numerals.
How easy is it to count in binary?
It’s as easy as 1, 10, 11.
If you’re not part of the solution…
…you’re part of the precipitate.
You’re a 10…
…on the pH scale.
What happened to the astronaut who stepped on some chewing gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
Pancakes asks Sausage to go to the movies.
Sausage asks: Hey, should we invite Bacon?
Pancakes says: Of course! I love Bacon.
Sausage asks: What about Eggs?
Pancakes shakes his head and says: Nah man, Eggs Benedict lately.
Did you know that Vin Diesel only eats two meals a day to keep in shape for making movies?
Breakfast and breakfurious.
I recently completed a self defence course.
I tell you what, the next person who attacks me in slow motion has a thing or two coming.
What is the worst thing you can say when someone points a gun at you?
Oh, shoot!
Ever tried blindfolded archery?
You don’t know what you’re missing.
This is why I love you, Prof. Pepperwinkle.
Thank you! 
A young boy walks into a bar and asks the barmaid for a pack of cigarettes and a beer.
“Now, now,” says the barmaid, “do you want to get me trouble?”
"Maybe later, says the youth, “right now, I just want cigs and beer.”
A fellow went out to take parachute lessons.
On his first jump he goes first, and then his instructor. The guy quickly pulls his cord and releases his chute. Moments later, the instructor whizzes past him.
“You didn’t tell me this was a race!” shouts the student, who pulls his harness off. “Last one down is a sissy!”
Two police officers watched a man emerge unsteadily from a bar. He slowly weaved his way towards an automobile, and, with considerable difficulty, removed a key from his pocket.
They came forward to accost the man. “You aren’t planning on driving this car, are you?”
“Certainly, I am,” was the reply, “I’m in no shape to walk.”
After flailing away for a solid four minutes, the man rolled off his girlfriend.
“That was wonderful, honey. How was it for you?”
“Quite painless, really. I never felt a thing.”
A starry-eyed young man went on and on about his beautiful fiancee: her eyes, her hair, her figure.
His friend couldn’t stand it anymore and told him, “I can’t believe you’re going to marry that girl. Don’t you know she’s been boned by every guy in town?”
“Oh,” said the young man, taken aback, “but, well, it’s a very small town.”
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar waiting to catch any drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the Designated Decoy.”
Brilliant.
A man staggers up to a police officer, slurring his speech, holding his car keys.
“Officer, somebody stole my car!”
“You’ll have to go to the station to file a report, just around the corner.”
The man starts walking toward the corner.
“Wait a minute,” says the cop, motioning toward the man’s crotch, “you’d better tuck that thing back in your pants.”
The drunk glances down. “Oh, man, they got my girl too!”