[hijack]
The first time I heard that joke, I laughed, but later I thought about it and I think the officer could and should arrest that guy for obstruction.
[/hijack]
My girlfriend broke up with me because of my constant zodiac jokes.
It was such a little thing that Taurus apart.
If life hands you melons…
…you may be dyslexic.
In the Middle Ages people used to hang a lantern from a saddle when riding at night.
It’s the beginnings of saddle-light navigation.
During a bus trip, the driver commented to a passenger: “People only value things when they don’t have them, don’t you think?”
The passenger replied: "Are you talking about a woman, money…?
The driver said: " I’m talking about the brakes…"
Foreman: I heard you had an accident at the pottery studio yesterday. Did you spill glaze all over a woman?
Worker: Glazed her? Damn near kilned her.
I went to buy a goldfish at the pet store. The clerk asked “do you want an aquarium?” I said, I don’t care what his sign is.
I don’t believe in astrology.
But then, us Capricorns tend to be skeptics.
mmm
When someone asks me what sign i was born under, i reply: “Maternity ward”,
I was visiting a mental hospital
And I asked the director how they know if someone is insane and needs to be committed. He says ‘it’s actually very simple, we fill up a bathtub and offer the patient a bucket, a teacup, and a teaspoon and ask them to empty the bathtub’. ‘Oh I see’ I said, ‘and a sane person would choose the bucket, because it’s the biggest?’. The director shakes his head and says ‘no. A sane person would pull the plug. Would you like a bed next to a window?’
A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Fancy Dress Party.
He doesn’t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir
Please find enclosed a Pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will look just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note.
Dear Sir
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a Monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:
Dear Sir
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden syrup over your bald head, let it harden! then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
A young lady was swimming at a pool in the gym and was having a great time burning calories and keeping fit.
To her horror, she found that her swimsuit had torn open at the bottom leaving her bit exposed.
Using her hands to cover up her modesty, she stealthily exited the pool by the side and grabbed a nearby sign to cover up.
This got even more attention. She looked down at the sign: “Depth 1.8metres"
Slightly embarrassed, she got rid of that sign and quickly grabbed another.
More stares came her way. The sign read: “Men’s entrance"
She could sense her face getting redder by the moment, threw away the sign, and grabbed the last one she could grab.
Practically everyone was looking at her now, if not for the spectacle she was causing, but for what was now on that sign.
“Repairs ongoing, please enter from the rear."
What’s the difference between 9/11 and a cow?
You can’t milk a cow for 22 years.
What’s another word for Gluttony?
Insinuate.
Some girl with psychic power, she said, “T-Bone, what’s your sign?”
I blink and answer, “Neon!” I thought I’d blow her mind.
Reminded me of one–
A young woman gets a flat tire next to the grounds of a mental hospital. She’s right next to a chain link fence surrounding the property, and a patient on the other side of the fence watches her.
She’s nervous because she’s being stared at and is not used to changing a tire. The street is on an incline, and when she removes the bolts for the flat and sets them on the ground, they all roll down into a storm drain. Frustrated and on the verge of tears, she yells “what am I going to do now?”
The patient says “why don’t you take one bolt off each of the other tires to use for the spare-- that will allow you to go far enough to get to a service station down the street and replace the missing bolts”.
She says “thanks, that’s a great idea! What are you doing in there anyway, with a mind like that?”
“Lady, I’m crazy, not stupid!”
What does a chemist say when his cat jumps into a pile of sand?
“Oh, you silicate.”
What kind of animal makes the best shrinks?
Owls. They genuinely give a hoot.
September 15th is National Camouflage Day.
I hope I don’t see anyone celebrating.
Did anyone else know September is Deaf Awareness Month?
I’d never heard of it.
I was trying to think of a neon pun.
Because I haven’t got Ne.
My son asked me what it was like being married. I told him to go away and leave me alone.
Five minutes later I asked him “why are you ignoring me?”
I say, I say, I say, what is the difference between hard and light?
You can sleep with a light on.
Why do men have a hole at the end of their nob?
To get air to their brain.
What happened when the teacher tied all the students’ shoelaces together?
They had a class trip.
Why did the computer squeak?
Somebody stepped on the mouse.
I always like to start a speech with a joke about crowbars.
They make a great opener.
A father is tucking his son into bed.
The son says “Daddy, is God young or old?”
The father says “Son, God is young and old.”
The son says “Daddy, is God black or white?”
The father thinks for a bit and replies “Son, God is black and white.”
The son says “Daddy, is God male or female?”
The father says “Well, I guess God is male and female.”
The son considers this. Then, he says “Daddy…”
“…Is God Michael Jackson?”
A woman goes to a butcher.
She asks, ‘How much is brisket?’
The butcher says, ‘7.99 a pound.’
The woman says, ‘What? I was at the other butcher, and he has brisket for $3.99 a pound!’
‘Well, go to the other butcher and buy it there.’
‘He’s out.’
‘So? When I’m out, I sell it for $2.99 a pound!’
A duck walks into a tavern and orders a beer.
The bartender thinks “Wow, a talking duck,” and pours him a beer.
The bartender asks “I don’t think I’ve seen you in here before. Do you live in the neighborhood?”
The duck says “No, I live across town. I’m a drywaller, and I’m working the office renovation across the street. I just dropped in for a beer before going home for the day.”
The bartender, while trying to imagine how a duck handles drywall, asks “Well, how is that drywall job treating you?”
The duck says “Well, as you know, this isn’t a union town. The pay isn’t that great, but it pays the rent and keeps me in duck food. I get along with the other trades, so I guess it’s O.K.”
The bartender says "I have a friend who runs a circus. Would you like to talk to him about a gig with the circus?
The duck said “That’s ridiculous. What would a circus want with drywall?”
My sex life is like a Ferrari.
I don’t have a Ferrari.
Three-year old: Oh, no, I’ve fallen in the sink.
I’m sinking!
I just got the Humpty Dumpty toy set from Aldi. Have you seen it?
It has Aldi king’s horses and Aldi king’s men.
Nothing can stop me now!
Aah! Nothing! My only weakness!
Of course, this reminds me of…
A duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender “Do you have any grapes?”
Bartender replies “Nope. Got plenty of alcohol, but no grapes.”
Duck says “OK”, and walks out.
The next day, the same duck walks into the same bar and asks the same bartender “Do you have any grapes?”
Bartender says “Didn’t you ask the same thing yesterday? No, we don’t have any grapes.”
Duck says “OK”, and walks out.
The next day, the same duck walks into the same bar and asks the same bartender “Do you have any grapes?”
Bartender says “No, you stupid duck, we don’t have any grapes.”
Duck says “OK”, and walks out.
The next day, the same duck walks into the same bar and asks the same bartender “Do you have any grapes?”
Bartender says “No, you stupid duck, we don’t have any grapes. You ask me again, and I’m going to nail your beak to the bar!”
Duck says “OK”, and walks out.
The next day, the same duck walks into the same bar and asks the same bartender “Do you have any nails?”
Bartender says “No, I don’t have any nails.”
Duck says “Good. Do you have any grapes?”
Every year when 9/11 rolls around, I can’t help but think of this bit that a guy did on “Last Comic Standing” several years ago. He’s talking about ordering a pizza and when the delivery guy shows up, he sees “9/11 - Never Forget” printed on the pizza box. He says “And then after the guy leaves, I realize they forgot my breadsticks. And I’m thinking, why don’t you print that on your box? Never forget the breadsticks!”
My psychiatrist believes in positive thinking.
The sign on his door reads, “Don’t Go Away Mad!”
What happened when Hannibal crossed the Alps with elephants?
He got a mountain range that never forgets.
My realtor likes to put a positive spin on everything. One house she showed me she called a Robin Hood house.
What’s a Robin Hood house? It has a Little John.
My brother’s jewelry store went bankrupt. I asked him what went wrong.
He replied, “All that glitters is not sold.”
I don’t like to go to expensive restaurants.
It does something to me to be in a place where the napkins are better made than my suit.
How many Freudian psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and the other to hold the penis… I mean, ladder.
How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A tree in a golden forest.
I say, I say, I say, why couldn’t the bell keep a secret?
Because it always tolled.
What did one elevator say to another?
I think I’m coming down with something.
What’s the best thing to drink during a marathon?
Running water.
Where do bad rainbows go?
Prism. It’s a light sentence, and gives them time to reflect.
I was at a funeral and the minister asked if anyone would say a word. So I stood and said, “Plethora.” The widow leaned over and said, “That means a lot.”
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A fish.