I stole a copy of Gandhi’s An Autobiography: The Story of My Experiments with Truth from an infant, and he started crying.
That’s what happens when you steal Gandhi from a baby.
I once told a bad joke about ghosts.
It still haunts me to this day.
Why did the ghost enter the bar?
For the Boooos.
On my Tinder profile it says I’m a professonal boxer.
It sounds better than saying I work in the packaging department at an Amazon warehouse.
What do you name a videogame about dropbears?
Mortal Wombat
What do you call it when the preacher farts during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
What’s the punishment when a member of the congregation farts during the sermon?
They have to sit in their own pew.
Just found two lumps on my car battery
Got them tested, one came back positive.
I hope it’s not terminal.
Did you hear that the police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states?
Solid, liquid, and gas!
Don’t vaccinate your children!
Let a trained medical professional do it!
My girlfriend and I just transitioned to a long distance relationship
Or as she likes to call it, a “restraining order."
What do you call a pizza with just peppers on it?
A pepperonly pizza!
This is a quality joke, and I’m definitely stealing it.
You must’ve gotten a charge out of it.
Robin: The Batmobile won’t start.
Batman: Check the battery.
Robin: What’s a tery?
I dunno, I found it rather anodyne.
DAD: Today we celebrate Abraham Lincoln’s birthday. Some people called him Honest Abe.
DAUGHTER: If he was so honest, then why do they close all the banks and keep kids home from school?
Why did the stoplight turn red?
Wouldn’t you if you had to change in the middle of the street?
Who is Superman’s most religious foe?
Lex Lutheran.
I say, I say, I say, What do you call a little blue man who lives on the West Coast?
Papa Surf.
CALLER: Send the fire department, quick! There’s a fire in my basement!
911 DISPATCHER: Did you throw water on it?
CALLER: Of course!
911 DISPATCHER: Well, there’s no use in their coming then—that’s all they ever do.
I found it pretty direct and current.
The Rabbi’s Final Lesson
One afternoon, a synagogue’s Senior Rabbi invited the Assistant Rabbi in for a chat.
“Nu? As you know, 53 years I’ve led this Holy Congregation. Next week, I’ll retiring. Before I move to Florida and you never hear from me again, do you have any last questions? Are there any great words of wisdom or final lessons that I can impart on you?”
The Assistant Rabbi squirmed in his seat nervously before answering. “Um, yeah. It’s kinda embarrassing but there’s one thing. On the High Holidays we’re up on the Teba (reading podium) praying for four, six, sometimes 8 hours straight. And I gotta know. When you’re up there for so long, what’s more comfortable — boxers or briefs?”
The Senior Rabbi leaned over, winked, and whispered “Depends.”
A man enters a pet shop
He spots a parrot with a higher than normal price tag.
“Why is this bird so expensive?” he asked the shop owner
“Oh well, it’s a very special parrot you see” the owner replied “if you lift its right leg, it will sing a you hymn. And if you lift its left leg, it will recite a psalm”
“Wow!” the man was clearing impressed “what would it say if i lift both its legs?”
“I will fall down, you moron” the parrot said from behind.
I always carry a stone with me to throw at people who play Christmas music in October.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
What do burn victims celebrate on October 31st?
Aloe-ween.
Did you know that when leaves fall off of trees in the Autumn, it’s because of nostalgia?
They’re trying to get back to their roots.
It fell flat for me.
Why did the police officer arrest the skeleton?
They could see the joint in his hand.
What is a skeleton’s favorite vegetable?
Corn on the macabre.
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite lighthearted and funny.
The fifth was dead Sirius.
Heart surgeons can exclusively work from home…
Since home is where the heart is.
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
“Hey there, little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”
“NO!” says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
“Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”
“NO!” says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
“Okay kid, my last offer! I’ll give you 20 Bucks “and” a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride.”
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out…
“Look, Dad, You’re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley …YOU RIDE IT!!”…
Bob has 69 candy bars. He eats 42 of them and then stops eating. What does he have now?
Diabetes.
Chuck Norris called 911…
…and asked them if they needed help.
First day as a vampire hunter: Wow, this is easy!
First night as a vampire hunter: Oh, no.
If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss,
what does smoking marijuana do?
I watched a movie called “The Adjustment,” about a Chiropractor who quits, goes back to school and becomes an famous Orthopedic Spine Surgeon. I didn’t really like it.
Too much backstory.
Yeah, my least favorite chiropractic adjustment position is the exposition.
A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.
He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover.
A traffic cop went out of his way to leave a note under my car’s wipers to let me know I had positioned my car correctly
It said “parking fine”. So that was nice.
What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
You walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros.
My extra-sensitive toothpaste…
…doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.
Jupiter has a total of 64 moons.
The werewolf problem is enormous.
On the other hand, very few of those moons can ever be full. Jupiter’s so large compared to its moons and their distances that most of them are eclipsed whenever they’re in opposition to the Sun.
Please stop leaving flyers for your band on my windshield.
I have zero interest in seeing “Parking Violation”.
mmm
Ha! My (bad) rock band in high school almost called ourselves “Yard Sale,” so at least a few grandmas would show up to our shows.