Oakleys? As in the sunglasses?
Opps too slow.
I got it right away. I have a pair of Oakley OOs and a pair of Oakley Eye Jackets on the table with my wallet, watches, and keys. I bought them both in the '90s.
I was going to reply, ‘Are Oakleys still a thing?’
Why did the motorcycle have bags under its headlight?
It was two-tired.
Rose and her partner really need to get more creative, position-wise.
I asked my five year old daughter what she wanted for her birthday and she giggled, “I want unicorns, rainbows and fairies!”
All right, LSD it is!
Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.
This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.
An illustrious Count, Wictor Oblodowsky, agrees to conduct Beethoven’s 9th Symphony in a Baltimore gym.
He’s hesitant at first. He’d only been to America once before, and it was a favor for a friend. The oboist in his orchestra kindly loaned him the first season of The Wire, but the Count never watched it, as he’d never gotten around to buying a DVD player.
After an uneventful flight and some trouble getting the timpani through customs, the weary orchestra checks into their hotel. The performance of Beethoven’s Ninth is the next afternoon, so they all rest and tune their instruments to the humid Baltimore atmosphere.
“SANDY!” a voice bellows in the hall of the Holiday Inn.
“SANDY, HELP ME!”
Sandy, the assistant to the count, runs into the hallway and sees Count Oblodowsky on his knees, shreds of paper in his hand. See, during the routine inspection of baggage by the TSA, some rough baghandler had torn the musical score of Beethoven’s Ninth in half. The count, nearly inconsolable, begs Sandy and some helpful trombonists to mend it. They end up having to sew the whole thing up with pieces of string. The count finds he can still flip the pages easily, and everyone goes to bed; jumpy but satisfied.
They show up at the gym.
Sweet Jesus, what a dump.
I mean, it’s big enough. But the acoustics are dreadful. And to top it off, the ventilation system is on the fritz, meaning there is this dreadful screeching of fans and vents overhead. The Count is assured that the ventilation system will be turned off for the duration of the performance. They tune up again and go out for some famous Baltimore crab.
Have you ever traveled to a foreign land, felt weary and sad, and then suddenly something makes it all worthwhile? That happened to Count Oblodowsky on the Waterfront. He’d never had crab before, and the little crustaceans were so tender and sweet that he just couldn’t stop.
“Maybe America is ok after all!” the count whispered to Sandy, holding his tenth crab in his baton hand. The bass section laughed along, not eating, but passing something back and forth between them.
Replete and nourished, our orchestra heads back to the venue. It’s all looking up. The vent is turned off, they put some baffles around the stage to stop the dreadful echoing, an excited crowd is milling around. Even the ramshackle torn score covered in string and twine was a humorous memory, and it stood proudly on Oblodowsky’s podium.
Final tuning. Bells up. This is gonna be great.
But the Count’s eye falls upon empty chairs in his orchestra. First and second bassoon. They’re not there. Ray and Sven. Suddenly, the Count realizes they weren’t at the crab restaurant. He hisses to Sandy, “where are Ray and Sven??” Sandy goes ashen. Ray and Sven, as quiet and innocuous as their bassoons, just got completely forgotten. They were still at the airport, for all we know.
“Doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter!” the Count whispered. “We do it anyway!”
He taps his baton. Flicks a little piece of string away from the torn score and begins.
Is there nothing more satisfying than that sigh of relief from a crowd of people? People who hear a piece of classical music like The Ninth and realize, “Hey! I’ve heard this before! This is gonna be ok.”
Beethoven’s Ninth begins without incident.
.
And it all goes pear shaped.
.
With his non baton hand, Oblodowsky clutches at his abdomen. Why on earth did he eat all that crab? It feels like his stomach is going to burst, he’s never felt so full and uncomfortable in his life. And to make things worse, things seemed to be slowing down. No matter how he waved, he could not pick up the tempo. “Why?!” he yelled to himself. And then he saw it.
The entire double bass section. Weaving on their instruments. He mouthed to Sandy, what is going on Sandy.
Sandy makes the international “drinky drinky” gesture, and then he knows. He sees the empty 1.5 liter bottle of Jim Beam by their feet. THAT’S what they were passing back and forth during lunch! Utterly wasted.
Two of his orchestra are gone, and now this. If he could just…just make it…
Beads of sweat on his brow. They’re nearly done, Oblodowsky is nearing the bottom of the page, they just might make it…
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!
Like a thousand rusty cans being played on a thousand dusty victrolas, the ventilation system kicks in. Battered tin fans squeak and squeal and belch smoke, the audience clutches their ears.
.
So close.
.
It was the bottom of The Ninth. The Count was full. The score was tied. Two men were out and the basses were loaded.
And the fans?
The fans were going wild.
If you’re towing a speedboat…
…are you pulling a fast one?
Amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence
For example:
-Jane ate her friend’s sandwich.
-Jane ate her friend’s colon.
You! Out of the pool!
I recognised the Beethoven joke long before the end, but enjoyed the embellishments to it that I hadn’t seen before.
Yeah, a good performance of an old classic, that one.
tl;dr for me.
Why didn’t the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn’t habanero.
I was hit in the head by a can of Coca-Cola today.
I wasn’t hurt; it was only a soft drink.
A man is going on his honeymoon and decided to get a tattoo to show his dedication to his wife.
He goes to the tattoo parlor an says he wants her name tattooed on his penis. “What’s her name?” asks the artist. “Wendy” he exclaims. “Okay. You’re going to have to get hard and stay hard for me to fit that on your lit… I mean fit that all in.” The man does as he asks. After he’s done, he goes home to show his fiancé. When he pulls it out, it’s soft again, and only says “Wy”. He explains what’s going on, and she’s happy.
Well, they get hitched and go to Jamaica for their honeymoon. One day while on vacation, the man finds himself at a urinal next to a local. He looks down and sees “Wy” tattooed on the local’s dick. “is your wife’s name Wendy too?” “No mon… It says Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day.”
My buddy has a sign in his driveway that says “Chevy parking only”. I drive a Grand Caravan.
Needless to say, I’ve been Dodging the guy.
I was recently on a charter flight with my hockey team where they seated you according to what position you play.
Nearly froze to death on left wing.
It is really unfortunate that Islam, Judaism and Christianity have been fighting each other for centuries.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
Two bacteria walk into a bar and start pouring themselves pints.
The bartender tells them that customers aren’t allowed on this side of the bar.
The bacteria say, “We’re not customers, we’re staph.”
I was walking down the street today and got hit by a violin and then a clarinet, and then a French horn.
I believe it was orchestrated.
A nun ruined her uniform and asked her tailor for a replacement.
Nearly three weeks later she angrily calls him asking what’s taking so long. “I don’t know why you’re upset.” - He coolly replies. “It takes at least 21 days to form a new habit.”
NASA recently found bones on the dark side of the moon.
Turns out the cow never made it.
Now he’s at that great gig in the sky.
mmm
Little Johnny comes down the stairs one morning and asks his mom “what’s for breakfast?”
His mom says, “you know the rules, no breakfast until you do your morning chores”.
So, since they live on a farm, Johnny goes out to do his farm chores, angry and grumbling all the while. He gathers eggs, giving the hen a little kick as he does so. He slops the pig, giving it a little kick in the process. He gives the cow a little kick before he milks it.
When he comes back in for breakfast, his mom gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
Johnny says “what, no milk? And how come just cereal instead of bacon and eggs?”
His mom says, I saw you kick the cow, so no milk for a week. I also saw you kick the pig and the hen, so no bacon and eggs for a week".
Just then Johnny’s dad comes down the stairs. The family cat is lying on the bottom step, so his dad gives it a little nudge with his foot to get it off the stair.
Johnny says to his mom “are you going to tell him, or can I?”
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?” The man replies, “That would be my wife.”
__
I want to be a professional sperm donor.
My slogan will be, “Wait till you get a load of this guy!”
I met a girl who was a solid 10.
But I found out she doesn’t like Harry Potter, so now she’s a 9 3/4.
One day Pope Francis dies and comes to the Pearly Gates. God himself is picking him up and guides him to his very own cloud. God leaves.
Francis has his own harp and uses his time to praise the lord. After some hours god shows up again carrying a silver tray with a yogurt on it and a spoon. This repeats for some days. One evening the clouds beneath break up and he has a straight look into hell: he sees the devils making big fires and grilling half pigs, even half cows on the fire. Wine is served and everyone is feasting on an abundance of food.
The next day god comes again with a yogurt. Francis curiosity gets the better of him and he tells God what he saw and asks him: “Lord, in your omniscience, how can it be that they are feasting in hell and I am just getting yogurt?”
God answers him: “Do you really expect me to cook just for the two of us?”
Chuck Norris once told a girl, “Good night.”
We remember her today as Sleeping Beauty.
My uncle prayed to God to solve all his family’s problems
God answered his prayers.
My uncle’s funeral is next week.
Last night, my wife woke me up, “Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!”
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone. Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and TV were gone.
Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.
With just the tip.
"Your honor, it is said that people are what they eat…
And therefore my client is an innocent man!"
The worst thing about Friday the 13th…
…is Monday the 16th.
A man gets on a zoom call one cold December day with his adult son and daughter, who now live in different states.
He says, “I’m sorry to have to tell you this-- your mother and I have kept it secret for a long time, but we’ve had problems for years, and we’ve mutually decided it’s time to get a divorce”.
His children are shocked, caught completely by surprise. “But…you’ve always seemed so happy together!” They tell their father “don’t call a lawyer yet, don’t do a thing, until we can arrange to fly in and have a family meeting with you guys in person, to try to talk you both out of this crazy decision!”.
The father ends the zoom call and turns to his wife. “All set! They’re coming home for Christmas, and they’re paying their own airfare.”
Got a couple more; coincidentally both janitor-related:
An owner of a company needs to hire a group of people for a long-term project. He interviews 4 cannibals.
“Well, your resumes are all excellent. I just have one small concern-- the fact that you’re all cannibals. Now, I wouldn’t think of questioning your nutritional and dietary choices; I’d probably get in trouble with HR if I did. But, can you at least promise not to eat any of our employees?”
The 4 cannibals all pledge not to consume coworkers, and are hired. For months, things go fantastically; they do a great job and the owner is very happy with their work.
Then one day the owner is told that the company janitor has gone missing. He calls in the 4 cannibals. “Our janitor is nowhere to be found. I’m not accusing any of you, but I have to ask, did any of you possibly get a little peckish and have a lunch break with the janitor, perhaps?” The 4 cannibals all strongly deny having anything to do with the janitor’s disappearance.
Afterward, the leader of the small cannibal group has a secret meeting with them. “OK, 'fess up. For months now we’ve had a great thing going-- eating middle managers and people in HR and Marketing. Now, which one of you idiots ate someone who’d actually be missed?”
A high school janitor is frustrated because for weeks girls have taken to applying heavy lipstick and making lip prints on the bathroom mirrors. Every morning he has to scrub off dozens of lip prints.
So he has a talk with the Principal, who makes an announcement over the school intercom to stop the practice. But of course, that only makes the problem worse.
Then the janitor has an idea. He has the Principal arrange to have a half-dozen of the most popular girls in school, who are the likely instigators and ringleaders of the lip print prank, meet in the girls’ bathroom.
The janitor tells them “lipstick is really difficult to remove from mirrors. Here’s how I have to get it off.” He takes a squeegee tool with a spongy strip, dips it in toilet water, and starts scrubbing the lip prints off. “I’ve had to do this every morning.”
Needless to say, the janitor never had to remove lipstick prints again.
Why do leaves change color in Autumn?
Because instead of chlorophyll, they chloro-empty.
I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat,
And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat I told them, “My hat, my candy.”
If you overthrow the government in exactly seventeen syllables…
… is it a Hai-coup?
Working on the computer is like driving a submarine.
Once you open windows, the problems begin.
Oh, sure, when Thor throws his hammer he’s a hero!
When I do it, I’m a menace and banned from Home Depot.