Is there a blessing for Putin?
‘May God bless and keep Putin… far away from us.’
Why did Franz Kafka cross the road?
No idea: he just woke up one morning completely covered in feathers, and with a compulsion to cross.
Why did the comma dump the apostrophe?
It was way too possessive.
How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb contains the power to make its own revolution.
What did the solipsist say when she broke up with her boyfriend?
“It’s not you; it’s me.”
Why did Eve decide she wanted to move to Manhattan?
She’d fallen for the Big Apple.
As an aside, what’s the story behind all the “I say, I say, I say…” starts to jokes? I’m guessing that that was some specific comedian’s catchphrase?
Sounds kind of stock vaudeville.
I’ve been reading them in Foghorn Leghorn’s voice. He was frequently interjecting “I say” into whatever he was saying.
I associate it with Foghorn Leghorn, and that’s apparently inspired by a radio show character from the '40s..
Just a stock vaudeville schtick, as Civil Guy said.
I get it, FWIW. It’s not a thigh-slapper, but I get it.
I didn’t see that one. I get it. I’ve been to Willow Springs (used to live in Lancaster).
Sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl named Claire Lee…
But the good news is that I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Two day ago, my wife watched a romance movie.
That night, we had a romantic dinner.
Yesterday, she watched an erotic movie, and last night was fantastic.
Today, I’m deleting all the horror movie channels.
The Holy Bible teaches us to love one another.
The Kama Sutra is more specific.
Why did the French person commit suicide when they couldn’t find their olive oil?
Because they had lost the huile d’olive.
How often do airplanes crash?
Just once.
A woman and her young son were shopping at the grocery, when the boy accidentally swallowed a quater.
The child began to choke, but a man quickly stepped up, grabbed the boy by the testicles and squeezed them hard, and the coin popped out of the child’s mouth.
“Oh, my goodness, thank you,” said the mother, “I’ve never seen anything like that. Are you a doctor?”
“No, ma’am,” he replied, “I’m a divorce lawyer.”
A man is in a pub, talking enthusiastically and at length about his hobby, skydiving.
He turns to a woman sitting close to him and asks, “Have you ever tried skydiving?”
“Only once,” she replies. “Never again.”
The man then realizes that she’s blind. “Oh, I’m sorry,” he says, somewhat ill at ease, “does it have to do with your, uhm, condition?”
“Yes,” she states, matter-of-factly.
“Was there an accident?” the man inquires, hoping he’s not overstepping his bounds.
“It got very close to one,” she replies. “You see, it really freaked out the dog.”
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”
One of my friends always played the same joke on me when we were walking in the forest.
Suddenly he freezes and starts staring into the distance as if he saw something between the trees. He doesn’t say a word then, just sometimes he gives me a quick look as if to say, “Man, did you see that?”
I usually stood next to him like an idiot, staring at the same spot, wondering if there was something wrong with my eyes. After a while, he looked away and returned to the trail without a word, and I couldn’t even ask what he saw, because he was a dog.
Philosopher: Hey, did you hear about the mathematician who got into a fight with a triangle?
Mechanic: No, what happened?
Philosopher: Well, they squared off, but things quickly spiralled out of control. The triangle kept shouting, “Hypotenuse, hypotenuse!” while the mathematician tried to reason with it using the Pythagorean theorem. But instead of resolving the conflict, it just led to a series of nonsensical equations and abstract symbols being thrown around.
Mechanic: That sounds odd. What did the mathematician do next?
Philosopher: Oh, you won’t believe it. They decided to introduce an imaginary number into the mix, hoping it would diffuse the situation. But instead, it only made things more complex and surreal. The triangle started spinning in circles, shouting, “I’m acute, I’m obtuse, I’m everything and nothing at the same time!”
Mechanic: That’s… bizarre. Did they ever find a resolution?
Philosopher: Well, eventually, the mathematician tried to divide by zero, thinking it would bring harmony through undefined infinity. But it only caused a cosmic glitch in the fabric of reality, and the entire scene dissolved into a flurry of nonsensical symbols, abstract shapes, and existential angst.
Mechanic: Wow, that’s… um, not interesting at all. I don’t even know how to respond to that.
Philosopher: Exactly! That’s the beauty of mathematics meeting Dadaism. It’s like a joke that isn’t funny but leaves you pondering the absurdity of existence and the elusive nature of meaning.
A teacher asked her 5th grade class “what part of the human body grows to 10 times its original size when stimulated?”
Little Mary pipes up and says “you can’t ask us a question like that, teacher-- it’s totally inappropriate!”.
Little Billy raises his hand. “Yes, Billy?” the teacher asks. “Do you know the answer?”
Billy says “yes, the answer is the pupil of the eye”. The teacher says “correct Billy, very good”.
Then Billy turns to Mary and says "I have three things to say to you: one, you have a dirty mind; two, you clearly didn’t read the class assignment…
“And three, one day you will be very, very disappointed”.
What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?
Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
Student: I’ve been writing my exam for 2 hours but haven’t answered a single question!
Politics Teacher: Well done, that’s an A.
A man gets a call from his doctor after a drug test.
“You’ve tested positive for opiates.” The doctor said.
The man quickly replied: “Oh I had a bagel with poppy seeds earlier.”
“Yes well you also tested positive for cannabis, LSD, and cocaine.”
“…It was an everything bagel.”
I’m in the World Thumb Wrestling finals.
We’ve been deadlocked in competition for the past 15 hours. Given how worn out our thumbs are, the judges have ruled we play sudden death with our big toes.
This will end in defeet.
Why did the car have bags under its headlights?
It was tired.
A business man sees a fisherman laying down on the shore, looking at the sky
- Hi, why aren’t you fishing?
- Well, I caught the fishes we plan on eating
- But if you caught more, you could sell them.
- And then what?
- Then you could buy a motor for the boat to catch even more fish
- And then what?
- Then you can sell more fish, get more boats, and even more fish, and sell that as well
- And then what?
- Then you can enjoy life!
- And what do you think I’m doing right now?
I say, I say, why don’t vampires get fat?
They eat necks to nothing.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest.
For I have synonymed.
You couldn’t make a show like Mr. Ed today.
There are no talking horses any more.
What’s the biggest difference between identical twins?
Location.
A teacher is giving a lesson on ancient history and mythology, and notices that little Johnny isn’t paying attention.
So she says “Johnny, please use the name ‘Damocles’ in a sentence”.
Johnny says “a man walking through the park saw a pair of expensive sunglasses someone left on a park bench, and said ‘Damocles!’”.
What’s the best kind of relationship to mend a broken harp? No strings attached.
You’ll have to explain that one !
During debates, when my opponents said a word that had different meanings based on its spelling, I would take advantage of it and use the word’s other meaning to attack them personally.
It was an ad homonym.
Carmen: “Wow, Rose, you went on a three-week honeymoon through Madrid, Milan and Rome! What did you see?”
Rose: “Ceiling fans.”
I read somewhere that WD40 is great from keeping mice out of your garden.
I tried it… It doesn’t work!!
However they have stopped squeaking.
A guy goes to a Halloween party with a girl on his back.
The host asks him, “And what are you?”
The guy says, " I’m a snail."
The host says “And who’s that on your back?”
“That’s Michelle!”
I just called the paranoia hotline.
The guy answered, “How did you get this number?!”
Sure.
‘Damocles!’ = ‘Damn, Oakleys!’
(yes, I’m keeping my day job)
Thanks !
(I had to google oakleys !)