More Jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
3932

What’s a nice gift for a pastry chef?

Flours.

What did Noah use on the ark to help him see at night?

Floodlights.

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.

It was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking
so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man! You don’t stand a chance of hitting her from here!”

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, “Does this fellow have any money?”

The daughter shook her head sadly.

“Oh Daddy! You men are all alike,” sighing deeply, she replied, “That’s exactly what he asked me about you.”

Little Amy confided to her uncle, “When I grow up, I’m going to marry the boy next door.”

“Why is that?”

“Cause I’m not allowed to cross the road.”

3933

Patient: tell it to me straight doc- what did the tests say…how long do I have left to live?

Doctor: you have till around 2053.

Patient: I have a full 30 more years? That’s wonderful news! What time is it now- about a quarter to 9? There might just be time for my wife and me to have a celebratory dinner at our favorite restaurant before the kitchen closes. Bye! (Patient runs out).

Doctor: I guess I should have mentioned that I go by military time…

3934

Reminded me of one….

A man and his wife are golfing together. There’s a farm adjoining the course, and he’s teeing off at a hole next to a barn. He has a wicked slice, and his ball ends up clear on the wrong side of the barn.

His wife says “I have an idea— if we open the barn doors on both sides and you hit the ball just right, you can send it through the barn and get right back on the fairway”.

The man thinks it’s worth a try. He takes the shot, but goes high, his ball bounces off a rafter and hits his wife in the forehead, killing her instantly.

Months later, the man decides to go golfing with a friend at the same course, as a way to put the past behind him. He’s at the same hole, and he does the exact same thing- slices the ball so bad it ends up on the other side of the barn. His friend says, “you know, if you open both barn doors and hit the ball through the …”

The man says “stop right there. I know what you’re going to say. Are you crazy? Don’t you know what happened last time I tried that?!?”

“I double bogeyed”.

3935

Tour guide: “The Magna Carta was signed on this very location.”

Husband: “When was it signed?”

Tour guide: “1215.”

Wife: “Dang, we missed it by twenty minutes!”

3936

Captain Cook was high when he discovered* Hawaii.

He sailed into Pearl Harbor and said, ‘Oh, Wa-hoo!’*

  1. Yes, I know Cook didn’t discover it; but ‘Captain Cook was high when he became the first European to lay eyes on the Sandwich Islands’ doesn’t flow as well for the purposes of a joke.
  2. ‘Wa-hoo’ is an approximation of how a stoner would say ‘Wow!’ while he’s amazed and slightly laughing. So ‘Oh, Wa-hoo’ is pronounced like Oahu.
3937

A guy goes to a building site to see if there are any jobs going.

“Maybe,” says the foreman. “Can you make tea?”

“Sure,” says the man, “I can make tea like a pro.”

“Okay,” says the foreman, “can you drive a forklift?”

“Whoa!” says the guy, “how big is the teapot?!”

I went to prison for something I didn’t do.

I didn’t wipe the fingerprints off the knife.

So a guy goes into the hospital for a hip replacement.

He’s laying in the hospital bed, when another guy walks into the hospital room that looks like he could be his twin brother.

Except this guy is slimmer, wearing a stylish blazer, a sharp hat, a goatee and sunglasses.

“Who are you?” the guy asks.

“I’m your hip replacement.”

A gunslinger walks into a bar. Low and behold there sits Doc Holliday.

The gun slinger says “Hey, you’re Doc Holliday!”

Doc says "Yeah, I’m your huckleberry. "

The gunslinger says “you are my hero. Would you critique my shooting?” He whips his pistol out of its’ holster and shoots the cufflink off of the piano player.

“That’s mighty fine shooting.” Says Doc. “But a real gunslinger can shoot with both hands.”

The man pulls his other pistol and shoots the other cufflink off the piano player with his off hand.

Doc nods and says “Well, if I can offer one suggestion, take your pistols into the kitchen and dip them in bear grease.”

“Bear grease?” asks the man.

Doc replies, “It won’t help your shooting any, but when Wyatt is done playing that piano he going to shove them straight up your ass.”

Did you hear about the hundreds of washing machines that were found along the beach?

They washed a shore.

3938

An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.

“My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?”
“Yes,” said the Navy brat.
“My dad has built them.”
Then the naval kid spoke: “And do you know the Dead Sea?”
“Yes.”
“It’s my dad who’s killed it!”

A small boy is sent to bed by his father…

[5mins later]
“Da-ad…”,
“What?”,
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”,
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”,
[5mins later]
“Da-aaaad…”,
“WHAT?”,
“I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”,
[5mins later]
“Daaaa-aaaAAAAD…”,
“WHAT??!!”,
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while … then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”
She asks … “What does that mean?”
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot”.
She smiled happily and said … “Oh, that’s so lovely … What about I, J, K?”
He said, “I’m Just Kidding."

Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.

“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered.
“Um . . . do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes,” said the boy. “It means carrying a child.”

Teacher: What is an evangelist?

Student: Someone who plays the evangelo.

3939

I asked the gym trainer which machine to use to get the attention of beautiful women.

He said the ATM machine outside.

A plane is flying over the Mediterranean

A pilot’s voice comes on and says, A terrible thing has happened.

We’ve lost both engines and we’re gonna have to land in the Mediterranean.

The plane will stay afloat for a very short time.

And we’ll be able to open the door just long enough that everyone can get out.

We have to do this in an orderly fashion.

Everyone that can swim just go to the right wing and stand there.

Everyone who can’t swim just go to the left wing and just stand there.

Those of you on the right wing you’ll find a little island it’s in the direction of the Sun about two miles off, and as the plane goes under just swim in an orderly fashion out and you’ll be fine.

And for those of you on the left wing…

I want to thank you for flying Air Italia.

Why didn’t the dog answer the phone?

No collar ID.

Yesterday I dissolved a Viagra in my mouth to see what would happen.

I didn’t get an erection, but I did tell some people some hard truths.

I say, I say, I say, I’ve told my wife I’ve decided I want to be cremated.

She made me an appointment for the day after tomorrow.

3940

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

– Emo Phillips

Sarah watches as her mother tries on an expensive fur coat in a high-end department store.

“Do you realize,” Sarah says, “that some poor, dumb animal had to suffer just for you to wear that coat?”

Sarah’s mother turns to her and snaps, “Think about how much I’ve suffered!
And don’t call your father an animal.”

It’s only natural that all politicians have a God complex.

They haven’t done anything in ages, they give all the best jobs to their immediate family, and no one really believes in them.

At the movie theater, a girl returning to her seat taps the shoulder of the man in the last seat in the row.

“Excuse me,” she says, “but did I step on your toe on the way to the bathroom?”
“As a matter of fact, you did,” says the man, expecting an apology.
“Oh good,” says the girl, “then this is my row.”

He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.

– Milton Berle

3941

He’s so old, he once described something as being the greatest thing until sliced bread.

3942

I’m so old, I still use an iPod.

3943

I’m so old, when I was born the Dead Sea was in hospice.

mmm

3944

A: Moo.

B: What?

A: Never mind, I was thinking of something else. Oh! A joke! Knock knock.

B: Who’s there?

A: Time-traveling cow.

B: Time-traveling cow, who?

3945

Bananananrama

3946

Tablets were replaced by scrolls.

Scrolls were replaced by books.

Now we scroll through books on tablets.

3947

Daisy called her dad, “Dad, I lost my key of the front door, I’m in front of the house and cannot enter it, can you help?”

Dad, “OK, did you call your hubby?”

Daisy, “I didn’t, but he texted me back said he’s in a meeting and cannot come back in a few hours…”

Dad, “So, do you have a spare?”

Daisy, “I called him too, but he is not in town.”

Dad, “I mean the key, hun.”

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me.

After 3 years, when we separated, she returned to me exactly $100.
I lost interest in that relationship.

What type of drugs do fish do?

Seaweed.

When I first started dating my wife, she went on and on about bees.

That’s when I knew she was a keeper.

My wife said to me, “What starts with an F and ends in a K?”

I said, “No, it doesnt’.”

3948

Nothing starts with an N and ends with a g

3949

I have an L-shaped sofa. Lowercase.

3950

Humor from The Onion - American Voices which is actual fact, not the comments though.
A pair of front-row balcony tickets to Ford’s Theatre on April 14, 1865—the night President Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth—sold at auction for $262,500. What do you think?

“I’ll just wait for the movie version.”
TROY WHEELOCK, SYSTEMS ANALYST

“Looks like Lincoln’s assassination wasn’t all for naught.”
JAVIER BARCLAY, SHOVEL ENGINEER

“Most theaters don’t let you go in if you’re over 150 years late.”
HELEN ZELENIAK, PILL SPLITTER

3951

Why, I say, why are mountains so funny?

Because they’re hill areas.

Not everyone can work at a Mountain Dew factory.

You have to have a can dew attitude.

If King Kong went to Hong Kong to play ping-pong and died, what would they put on his coffin?

A lid.

So I asked a bomb defusion specialist about the stresses of his job…

…he said there aren’t any because either he’s right or it’s suddenly not his problem.

Ne’er run with a bagpipe, laddie…

You might get kilt.