Memorable band name announcements seen in Boston in the sixties:
Vas Deferens
Climax is Coming
There was a band in Sydney in IIRC the 80s called Free Beer. Went well on the pub ads!
What’s next, a band calling itself the Barenaked Ladies?
Q: Why is 88 better than 69?
A: Because you get ate twice.
It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car,…
… yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner.
A man went to visit his doctor.
“Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?” the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man’s sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
“Hello, Doctor,” says the arm. “Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I’m desperate!”
“Aha!‘’ says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Grandpa.
Oh my gosh! Somebody open the coffin quick!!!
Never raise your hand to your kids.
It leaves your groin unprotected.
If only that were real - I’d have my kid’s Xmas shopping sorted.
An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive sports car.
Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man.
“Look what you did to my car” he yells. “You’re going to give me $10,000 right now or I’m going to beat you to a pulp!”
“Oh my” says the old man, "I don’t have that kind of money.
Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he will know what to do."
“Dolphins” the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as his son answered, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man.
“So, YOU’RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, Your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need 10 grand right now or I’m going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp.”
“I’ll be there in 10 minutes,” says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.
When he finished, he walked over to his father and said….
"For the last time dad, I train Seals, Navy Seals…
NOT dolphins!"
I ordered the wrong canvas for my boat’s mast, but I think it’s too late to cancel.
That sail has shipped.
If you have bad credit, make friends with a trigonometrist.
They will cosine for you.
I say, I say, what kind of soup does a vampire make?
Nosterastew.
Told my wife not to return the lingerie I got her…
…because they aren’t under wearanty.
(say this to a kid):
What do you want for Christmas under there?
Under where?
What’s the square root of 69?
8 something.
(this one works surprisingly well when said to a nerd-- We’ll often reflexively answer before even realizing the joke)
Three old men are sitting on a park bench. The first says “Windy, innit?”.
The second says “No. Thursday.”.
The third says “Me too. Let’s go for a pint.”.
Wife said it looks like it’s gonna be chilly again tonight.
I said, “No, that’s nachos.”
Why do convertible owners drive with the top down in rainstorms?
So they can use the car pool lane.
Our new puppy is still learning how to bark…
All he can come up with now are ruff drafts !
For Halloween I’ve got a job making plastic Draculas.
There’s only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
I looked up some birthday jokes in honor of @Prof.Pepperwinkle 's birthday:
If there are lots of balloons at Prof.Pepperwinkle’s birthday party, what music should NOT be played?
Pop music.
Why are birthdays good for Prof.Pepperwinkle’s health?
Studies show that, generally speaking, the more birthdays one has, the longer one lives.
Why did Prof.Pepperwinkle feel so warm at his birthday party?
People kept toasting him!
When did Prof.Pepperwinkle celebrate his birthday for only 30 seconds?
On his 32nd birthday.
Why do all of Prof.Pepperwinkle’s relatives keep reminding him how old he is on his birthday?
Because age is a relative thing.
Things look brighter and brighter for Prof.Pepperwinkle with every birthday!
All those candles will do that.
What happens when Prof.Pepperwinkle asks his relatives for a Segway for his birthday present?
They change the topic.
Happy birthday Prof.Pepperwinkle, and thanks for all the jokes!
That’s wonderful! You all are great!
A small collection of jokes from The Hollywood Squares in the 70s:
Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A… Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A.George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark…
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
Hitler held out during a war for four years…
…but shot himself 45 minutes after getting married.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A Yamahahaha.
I took a girl to a haunted house on our first date.
She ghosted me.
I wanted to increase the fiber in my diet by eating beans.
My plan is dramatically backfiring.
A policeman pulled me over and asked, “How high are you?”
I remonstrated, "No, officer, it’s ‘Hi! How are you?’ "
This came to me while watching a TV show. And belated happy birthday to the best joke teller (copy-paster?)… it looks like we share the same birthday.
A couple was at the kitchen table planning their vacation. They had maps, brochures, etc. on the table. Then an ant started running over their stuff - up/down, sideways, circles, etc. The husband asked what the ant is doing. The wife said “I don’t know, it’s all over the map”.
A friend of mine got a tattoo of his favorite Star Wars character.
You should’ve seen the Luke on his face.
What do you call a filet mignon made from clouds?
A mist steak.
First kid: What’s your Mom’s and Dad’s names?
Second kid: Laughing and Smiling.
First kid: You’re Kidding.
Second kid: No, that’s my sister. I’m Joking.
If you are the type of person who likes to hoard magazines…
…you probably have lots of issues.
What do you call a word with loose vowels?
Inconsonant.
Thanks, and happy belated back atcha!
That reminds me of a cartoon. A vampire is relaxing in a chair…
… Steeping used tampons in a cup of hot water.
Nitpick: Six years.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Formaldehyde.
Formaldehyde, who?
Formaldehyde-ing places jumped the highwaymen!