Unless I’m being whoosed, both of them were dead within 30 hours or so from their wedding,
The nit being picked is ‘held out during a war for four years’. WWII started in 1939, and went to 1945; so six years.
Say what you will about him, but he IS the guy who finally killed Hitler.
Naw, he’s a jerk. He killed the guy who killed Hitler!
What are you going to do in the weekend?
“I’m going to buy glasses.”
“And then what?”
“Then I’ll see.”
What do you call a cleaning skeleton?
The grim sweeper
Ten little monkeys jumping on the bed; one jumped off and bumped his head.
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said
We don’t accept your insurance.
I was told a joke about candy bars.
It wasn’t that funny. I only snickered.
Why do vampires never create new businesses?
They’re afraid of the stakeholders.
The SDMB-appropriate nitpick is five years, seven months, twenty-seven days.
Why did Eva Braun dislike giving Hitler blowjobs?
Because he left a Nazi taste in her mouth.
Did you hear about the Gamemaster who ate chocolate while running his games?
He was accused of fudging the dice.
“Doctor, doctor, I seem to have thrown my back out. What should I do?”
“Well, be sure you go through the trash before it’s collected.”
Policeman: Tell me, why did you hit that tree?
Driver: It’s not my fault! I honked at it but it didn’t move!
What do celebrity vampires receive?
Fang mail.
Why don’t vampires kiss people?
They’ve got bat breath.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian mummy dipped in chocolate and rolled in nuts?
Pharaoh Rocher.
What do you get when you cross a Jedi knight with a toad?
Star Warts.
Why was there no food left after the Halloween party?
Because everybody was goblin.
What can you find between Godzilla’s toes?
Slow runners.
Tarzan was swinging along his vines when he suddenly found himself surrounded by terrible monsters – vampires, werewolves, mummies, goblins, witches, and more. Do you know what he said?
“Boy, am I in the wrong joke.”
Happy Halloween!
What do you call a lycanthrope who practices mindfulness and living in the moment?
Aware-wolf.
What do you call an entity in a cemetery who wreaks havoc if all city ordinances and regulations are not up to code?
A graveyard in-specter.
What happened when the cannibal was late to the dinner party?
The other guests gave him the cold shoulder.
I’m dressing as the Republican healthcare bill for Halloween.
I won’t be leaving the house.
mmm
Nice.
What do hillbillies do for Halloween?
Pump kin.
A handsome taxi driver picks up a very attractive nun. As they’re driving, the nun notices the taxi driver constantly looking at her in the rear view mirror.
She asks him, “is there anything on your mind, my son?”
The taxi driver says, “yes, but it’s much too embarrassing to say to a nun.”
The nun says, “come on now, in my profession I talk to many parishioners every day, and I’ve head it all. there’s nothing you can say that would embarrass or anger me.”
Taxi driver says “well, ok…it’s just that I’ve always had this fantasy of making love to a nun.”
The nun is quiet for several long minutes and the taxi driver is afraid he crossed a line.
Suddenly the nun says “alright, just this once, but only if you promise me you won’t tell a soul, and that you are Catholic.”
The taxi driver says he is Catholic and agrees to keep quiet. He finds a secluded alley, and they proceed to have hot, forbidden, mind-blowing sex.
They get back on the road, but suddenly the taxi driver bursts into tears.
“What’s the matter?” asks the nun.
“I’m so sorry, I lied about being Catholic! I feel so guilty!! I’m going straight to hell!!”
“Eh, don’t worry about it” the nun says. “I’m not Catholic either. I’m just on my way to a Halloween party.”
I heard this a little differently…
A handsome taxi driver picks up a very attractive nun. As they’re driving, the nun notices the taxi driver constantly looking at her in the rear view mirror.
She asks him, “Is there anything on your mind, my son?”
The taxi driver says, “Yes, but it’s much too embarrassing to say to a nun.”
The nun says, “Come on now, in my profession I talk to many parishioners every day, and I’ve heard it all. There’s nothing you can say that would embarrass or anger me.”
Taxi driver says “Well, ok…it’s just that I’ve always had this fantasy of getting a blow job from a nun.”
The nun is quiet for several long minutes and the taxi driver is afraid he crossed a line.
Suddenly the nun says “Alright, just this once, but only if you promise me you won’t tell a soul, and that you are Catholic.”
The taxi driver says he is Catholic and agrees to keep quiet. He finds a secluded alley, and the nun proceeds to give him the most amazing oral sex that he’s ever had.
They get back on the road, but suddenly the taxi driver bursts into tears.
“What’s the matter?” asks the nun.
“I’m so sorry, I lied about being Catholic! I feel so guilty!! I’m going straight to hell!!”
“Eh, don’t worry about it” the nun says. “I’m not Catholic either. My name’s Kevin, and I’m just on my way to a Halloween party.”
Moderating:
Repeating a joke verbatim, except for adding a dollop of homophobia to the punchline, is not a great addition to this thread.
So noted.
An old Jew prays briefly at the Western Wall every morning.
A reporter says to the old Jew:
“What have you been praying for?”
The old Jew says: “I have been praying for peace at this wall ever since I was bar mitzvahed at age 13.
For decades, I have prayed for peace here at this holy shrine, every morning. And then, I go about my day. I have been working with activist groups for years to try to achieve peace.”
The reporter asks: “And what has it been like to pray for peace here every day?”
And the old Jew sighs and says:
“It’s been like talking to a wall.”
Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.
The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”
The lady from the South commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz…
Again, the lady from the South commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”
The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”
“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Southern lady.
“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “Oh, my God! What on earth for?”
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying “Who gives a shit?” I learned to say, “Well, isn’t that precious”.
My friend Joe recently started the Dolly Parton diet.
And already it’s made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leeeeean.
How did Cinderella store her yarn?
Bippity bobbins.
Why did the ghost ride in the elevator?
To lift his spirits.
Heard that one years ago, slightly different. It was two old classmates at their (20th?) high school reunion, with the phrase “That’s nice.” meaning “Fuck you, bitch!” “That’s nice” is a phrase tossed around my family A LOT!
Decades ago. I also heard it as two old friends. The reply was ‘Fabulous!’