More Jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
4052

Thanks to Daylight Savings Time . . .

My girlfriend thinks I lasted an hour and three minutes.

They always say that daylight savings is such a great idea.

I give it six months.

Daylight Saving Time ends Sunday.

So I have to remind myself, that the clock on my microwave will be wrong for the next several months.

My son asked me, “Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?” I smiled and answered…

“Swarm.”

I told my wife, “Let’s go to upstate New York this weekend.”

She asked, “By Buffalo?”

I answered, “No, I thought we’d take the car.”

4053

A man is hitchhiking on the side of the road, and a car pulls over to let him in.

The hitchhiker says “thanks a lot, I’ve been standing out there for hours! Seems like everybody thinks that we hitchhikers are all serial killers or something”.

The driver laughs and says “that’s ridiculous!” The hitchhiker joins the driver in a good laugh.

“What are the odds that there’d be two serial killers in the same car?”

4054

“I can’t sleep in that room,” said the angry man to the receptionist. “It stinks in there.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” she replied, “the last occupant had a skunk with him. Perhaps if you opened the windows…”
“What?” he interrupted, “And lose all my pigeons?”

When my sister was a baby, she was so shy…

…she used to change her own diapers.

The woman went along to the dog behavioral center to tell them about her problem pet.

“He keeps chasing cars,” she explained.
“Well, not to worry. It’s quite normal and in time the dog will grow out of it.”
“But you don’t understand,” she wailed. “He keeps burying them in the back garden.”

A man goes to the doctor and tells him he swallowed three half-dollars four weeks ago. “Can you get them out?” he asks.

The doctor looks at him, puzzled. “You swallowed the money four weeks ago and it’s only now you’re coming to see me?”

“That’s right,” replies the man. “I didn’t need the money then.”

A woman went to the doctor to tell him that every time she went to the toilet,

pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters came out.
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “You’re just going through the change.”

4055

4056

My wife worships me.

She puts burnt offerings in front of me everyday.

What do you call people who worship cheese?

Brielievers.

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walking around like they rent the place.

What’s the most persuasive argument against democracy?

“Have you ever worked in retail?”

My mum had an argument with me last night.

She told me to stop tickling my little brother’s feet.

Her exact words were… “Stop it, wait until he’s born.”

4057

4058

A guy goes with his girlfriend to stay at her parents’ house for the holidays

The couple live in the city and the parents live on a farm.
The boyfriend is unused to the quiet country life and after a couple of days he’s pretty bored.
His girlfriend’s father comes in and says “Hey young fella if you’re looking for something to do, why not take the dogs out for a bit of hunting? There’s a shotgun behind the laundry door.”
Guy comes back a couple of hours later, the father says “How was it?”

“That was amazing! Have you got any more dogs?”

A couple’s young daughter went to college.

After 6 months she happily let them know she was engaged to a student who is studying to be a pastor, and is bringing him home for the holidays.

And after the introductions the father and the boy sat and the father asked: " How old are you?"

Fiance:“19”

Father: “And where are you going to live?”

Fiance: “God will provide.”

Father: “And where are you going to get money?”

Fiance: “God will provide.”

Later that night the mother asked the father: “What do you think of him?”

And the father: “He seems to be a nice guy. He thinks I am God.”

I say, I say, what do you call a chicken who writes mysteries?

Eggatha Christie.

My wife claims that I’m cheap…

…but I’m not buying it.

I’m not superstitious.

I’m just slightlystitious.

4059

I saw that one coming and still laughed.

mmm

4060

Walking into the bar, Mike says to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.’

‘Oh yeah?’ says Charlie. ‘And how did this one end?’
‘When it was over,’ Mike replies, ‘she came to me on her hands and knees.’
‘Really?’ says Charles. ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’
‘She said, “Come out from under the bed.”’

The children are lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic primary school for lunch. \At the head of the table is a large pile of apples.

The nun has left a note on the apple tray, which reads, ‘Take only one. God is watching.’
At the other end of the table is a large pile of chocolate-chip cookies.
Next to it, a child has left a note of his own: ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’

A police recruit is asked during his exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’

He answers, ‘Call for backup.’

The swing doors of the Last Chance Saloon burst open and in strides the sheriff, as the whole bar falls quiet.

‘I’s lookin’,’ the sheriff announces loudly, ‘fer the Brown-Paper Cowboy.’
‘Wass’ he look like, sheriff?’ asks the bartender.
‘Waaaal, he’s got him a big ol’ brown-paper hat, wears brown-paper shirts, brown-paper pants and brown-paper boots. He’s got him a brown-paper gun that fires brown-paper bullets and he rides him a big ol’ brown-paper hoss.’
‘Waaaal, sheriff,’ the bartender replies, ‘I caint say that we rightly seen him in these parts, but we’ll sure as hell keep an eye out fer him. Saaaay, what do you want him fer, anyway?’
‘Rustlin’.’

Very funny, Scotty…

…now beam down my clothes.

4061

Let’s go to the mortuary and have a stiff one. (Also works with ‘a cold one’.)

I walked through the swing doors of a saloon, but a dog had gone under and crapped just inside. I slipped on it and fell on my butt. I went to the bar to get a drink, and another guy walked into the bar, slipped on the dog crap, and fell on his butt. I said, ‘I just did that!’ He punched me in the face.

4062

Spoilered for extremely poor taste (but not otherwise offensive, in my view):

What do an alcoholic and a compulsive necrophiliac have in common? They both can’t wait for the next time they get to crack open a cold one.

4063

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome.

While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So… you finish?”

And again, after a short pause, she just says “No.”

Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette and entertains his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he can muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after expending quite a lot of time and energy.

Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”

“No. I’m Swedish.”

I have begun reading a horror story in Braille.

Something bad is going to happen; I can just feel it.

I saw a robbery at the Apple store.

I was an iWitness.

What did Salvador Dali have for breakfast?

Surreal.

She got her good looks from her father.

He’s a plastic surgeon.

4064

What’s the opposite of a waterfall?

A firefly.

Three relational databases walk into a NoSql bar. They left after 5 mins…

They couldn’t find a table.

What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?

No more jokes about the profit.

What’s another term for a flying monkey?

A hot air baboon.

Why do police get to protests early?

To beat the crowd.

4065

Man, I thought that one hysterical (still do!) So I shared it on a family joke text, and was roundly criticized for my bad taste! :roll_eyes:

4066

Wife: “Would you be open to having a threesome sometime?”

Husband: “Uh yeah, that sounds incredible.”

Wife: “Which of my friends would you choose?”

Husband: “Probably Jennifer and Abby.”

4067

My 18 year old was writing an American history essay last night about “Bill Clinton Mistaking Himself for a Slurpee Machine.”

4068

Joe Biden had a meeting with the Cabinet today

He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the desk.

How do you stop a rhinoceros from charging?

Call customer service to dispute the purchase.

I tried to lighten the mood at a party with a coronavirus joke.

Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.

Barack and Trump found themselves at a local barbershop. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump reached for the aftershave. Donald was quick to stop him, saying, “No, thanks. My wife will smell that and think I’ve been in a brothel.”

The second barber turned to Barack and said, “How about you, Mr. Obama?” Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a brothel smells like.

What do you call a dumb gymnast?

A flippin’ idiot.

4069

My dad told us, “I know you guys hate it, but I’m going to wear Velcro shoes from now on….

…I mean, why knot?”

They say that mafia members are nasty people, but…

but while growing up, I lived next door to one and he was actually a nice guy.

In fact, every morning, he paid me $20 just to start his car.

They kicked me out of mime school!

It must have been something I said.

I’m now convinced that we live in a simulation, and my ex-girlfriend was a bug.

Because she disappeared after my cash was cleared.

I bought a straight jacket the other day, and I’m starting to regret it.

I thought it would be a good look, but I just can’t pull it off.

4070

A CEO of a large retail company lived next door to a mafia kingpin.

Although he was a good businessman, he was a terrible gambler, and racked up tens of thousands worth of gambling debts to the mafia kingpin’s bookie associates.

The kingpin comes to the businessman’s house one day with a couple big guys, and says “look, I don’t want things to get ugly, so I’ll make you a deal— we move a lot of merchandise that we ‘find’ that falls off the occasional truck. We sell it through certain intermediaries. Trouble is, they have very little business sense. They mismanage things and often settle for much less than they should for the merch.

“Since you’re a big shot in the retail biz, If you teach them how to improve the profit margins, I’ll forgive your debts. Otherwise, you can have a ‘talk’ with Rocco and Tony here”.

Considering the alternative, the businessman readily agrees to do some mentoring, and is successful in improving the profit margins. The mafia kingpin, good to his word, forgives the debts and the businessman and the kingpin continue to live happily next door to each other.

Which just goes to show: good fences make for good neighbors.

4071

What do you call someone who attends both Catholic and Protestant worship services?

Bisectual.

So a Lizard and a Koala sit in a tree an smoke a joint…

They are smoking, talking, simply having a good time. After about an hour, the lizard says: “Man, I’m so thirsty… I gotta go down to the river and drink some water.” So he climbs down the tree and goes to the river. There an aligator is chilling in the water and shouts: “Hey Lizard, whats going on? What’re you up to?”

“Hey my friend, I’m over there in the tree, smoking pot with the Koala, wanna join us?”

“Haha sure, gotta see this.” goes the Aligator. So he climbs out of the water, and starts walking towards the tree. The Koala sees him, opens his eyes in amazement and says:

“Dude… How much did you drink???”

I say, I say, I say, did you hear about the musician who didn’t show up for his Thanksgiving performance?

It was a No-show-vember.

What does Trump have in common with the Thanksgiving turkey?

Both will need a pardon by Thanksgiving.

I got a camo jacket for my birthday.

I can’t see myself wearing it, though.