Nitpick. Assuming Australia (because of the koala), there’s a crocodile chilling in the water. 
Unless the koala was, like, REALLY high.
Why did the alligator and crocodile leave the Olympics so upset?
They both cayman last.
I won the Jack O’Lantern carving contest this year.
It was a hollow victory.
Why wouldn’t the Listerine go down the drain?
Because it’s antiseptic.
I say, I say, I say, what did the flashlight say to the darkness?
Lighten up.
For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.
Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.
If there’s anyone out there who has no family and is planning to stay home alone this Thanksgiving, please let me know.
I need to borrow some chairs.
A fork says to a spoon, “Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?”
The spoon replies, “That was no ladle, that was my knife.”
Lord Nelson was 1.7m tall. His column is 51m tall.
That’s Horatio of 1:30.
What does a handyman say after installing a porch lamp?
“That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I light kit.”
Why did the philosopher chef always put mushrooms in every dish that he made?
He claimed it was a morel imperative.
As Terry Pratchet said: all mushrooms are edible. Once.
Maxim 11: Everything is air-droppable, once.
Q: What do you call it when both your phone and PC decide to do updates and you just have to walk away to do something else for a while?
A: Leaving your devices to their own devices.
What do you get if you cross a rooster with a Bell telephone pole?
A 30-foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
How do hockey players like their cupcakes?
No icing.
(Buh dum, pssshhh!)
A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.
However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:
‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’
‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.
The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student.
At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:
‘You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?’
‘The gold.’
‘Unfortunately, I don’t agree. I’d choose cleverness because that’s more important than money.’
‘Everyone would choose what they don’t have,’ says the student.
The teacher turns red, and he’s so angry he writes “ass” on the student’s paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:
‘Excuse me sir, you signed my paper, but you forgot to give me my grade!’
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
A guy walks into a bar and says, “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please.”
The bartender tells him, “I used to have a stutter too. Then one day, my wife gave me head, and from that point on I was cured!” The guy gets really excited and runs out the door without ever getting his beer.
The next day, the guy walks back into the bar and says, “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please.” The bartender asks him, “It didn’t work, huh?” The guy says, “N-n-nope. B-but y-your h-h-house is r-r-really n-n-nice.”
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
I always get sad when I watch videos of gorillas using sign language to ask for food.
It’s a shame there are so many deaf gorillas.
I went out to buy a Christmas tree and the guy asked me, “Are you gonna put it up yourself?”
I said “No. I was thinking the living room.”
I can’t tell whether my new car’s suspension is amazing, or if I’m a sociopath.
Either way, when i ran over that pedestrian i didn’t feel a thing.
They say cows kill more people than sharks.
I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.
A dancer and a photographer went to a barre to concentrate.
After a few shots, they had lost focus and couldn’t remember the pointe.
I met a fortune teller and he gave me a calendar as a little gift.
What a lovely thought, it’s just a shame there’s five months missing at the end of the year.
An unemployed jester is nobody’s fool.
I invested in Henry Winkler memorabilia. It turned out to be a Fonzie scheme.
from The Yeoman of the Guard by W.S. Gilbert:
Lieut. And how came you to leave your last employ?
Point. Why, sir, it was in this wise. My Lord was the Archbishop of Canterbury, and it was considered that one of my jokes was unsuited to His Grace’s family circle. In truth, I ventured to ask a poor riddle, sir – Wherein lay the difference between His Grace and poor Jack Point? His Grace was pleased to give it up, sir. And thereupon I told him that whereas His Grace was paid £10,000 a year for being good, poor Jack Point was good – for nothing. 'Twas but a harmless jest, but it offended His Grace, who whipped me and set me in the stocks for a scurril rogue, and so we parted. I had as lief not take post again with the dignified clergy.
I’m a masochist. There’s nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower.
So I don’t.
My cat seems to like stormy weather…
when it rains, it purrs.
What’s the difference between weather and climate?
You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate.
Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates.
What does the sadist say when the masochist says “Hurt me”?
“No.”
You people ever see ABC’s Wide World of Sports when they covered the World Sado-Masochism Championship?
They had the agony of victory and the thrill of defeat.
I just thought of this one again, and had to repost.
In Downtown Los Angeles, Grand Avenue and Olive Street are one block apart and run parallel to each other.
One moonless night the power went out and left the city in complete darkness. Popeye was feeling his way up and down Olive and thought it was Grand.
Why did Popeye write to the Bertolli company to thank them for all they did for him?
They made olive oil spread.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation.
After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
What do the cultists of Elmer’s Glue refer to themselves as?
Adherents.
How does Sherlock Holmes get all the ladies?
Seductive reasoning.
Vegans need to lay off attacking others for their eating habits…
The last thing we need is another Spinach Inquisition.
One of the local public schools, whenever their football team plays against one of the local Catholic schools, the student fans chant “God loves us for free”.
If you read the original stories, he was actually quite good at this. He apparently didn’t have any actual interest in the ladies, but he was good at faking it.
A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers.
When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.
Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: “Why are you laughing?”
“I was thinking about my own funeral” the man replied.
“What’s so funny about that?”
“I’m a gynecologist.”
I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.
13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.
Did you hear about the patriotic zombie who wanted to serve his country?
He joined the Marine Corpse.
What does the Thanksgiving turkey do on its computer?
Google! Google!
I said to the woman at the deli, “I’d like to buy a corned beef and pastrami, with pickles.” She replied, “Sorry…"
"We only take cash or card.”