What do you say to a Marine who’s on acid?
Semper fry.
But if it’s really good acid, Semper Fly may be more appropriate.
Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie. Delighted, the genie says, “You have finally freed me after all these years, so I’ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.”
The first guy immediately shouts out, “I want a billion dollars.” POOF, he’s holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,003.50.
The second man thinks for a bit, then says, “I want to be the richest man alive.” POOF, he’s holding papers showing his net worth is now well over $100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says, “I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life.” POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The genie tells them it’s time for their second wish. First guy says, “I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth.” POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says, “I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want.” POOF, his looks change and the first guy’s wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says, “I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die.” POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says, “I never want to become sick or injured. I want to stay healthy until I die.” POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone, and his knees don’t bother him any more.
Second guy says, “I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever.” POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says, “My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth.” POOF, he’s now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: “I’ve invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I’ve never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.”
Second guy smiles and says “Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I’m still the richest guy alive, and also revered for my good deeds. I haven’t aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.”
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says, “Guys, I think I screwed up.”
Whenever Fate closes a door…
…just reach out, turn the knob, and open it again. That’s how doors work.
A police officer spots a car parked in a popular make-out spot late one night, and decides to investigate.
He sees a young man behind the wheel reading a newspaper and a young woman in the passenger seat knitting. This is a puzzling sight, so he decides to find out more about these individuals.
“How old are you?” he asks the guy.
“Twenty-one, officer,” he replies
“What about you?” he asks the girl.
She looks at her watch: “In about ten minutes, I’ll be eighteen.”
My balloon elephant wouldn’t fit in the back seat of my car…
…so I had to pop the trunk.
My neighbor’s wife is better than mine!
I’ve always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbor next door.
One day, when speaking to her husband, he said: “I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg …”
At that moment, I just had a brilliant idea.
“Don’t sweat it, neighbor! I’m on vacation and painting walls is my favorite hobby! It would be a pleasure to do this task.”
The guy accepted the offer and was really happy.
I don’t want to brag about my conversation skills, but I barely started to paint the apartment and I already had that woman in bed with me.
But, bad luck… We were just starting and I did not expect the husband to forget his documents and that, for that reason, he had to return home at that specific moment.
The woman, listening to her husband opening the door, runs to the bathroom, and the guy enters the room and finds me, naked, at the top of the ladder, giving a few strokes on the wall.
Screaming, he asked,
-“What the fuck is this? … You started painting in my bedroom, and naked?”
-“Fuck you, I’m working for free, so I start wherever I want!”
-“But naked? …”
-“You really wanted me to stain my new clothes with paint?”
-“And with a boner, you son of a bitch?”
-“And where am I going to hang the bucket ?! …”
A guy is hunting in the woods.
He comes upon a clearing. In the middle of the clearing there is a large rock. Upon the rock is a beautiful naked woman. He smiled at her, and she smiled at him. He said, ‘Are you game?’ She said yes. So he shot her.
True story :-
Q: What do you get when you cross Lassie with a pit bull?
A: A dog that bites you, then runs for help.
Maisy says to Blanche, “You know, I’ve only seen my husband Howard cry three times.”
“When were they?,” asked Blanche, in accordance with the best friend/sidekick rules and regulations.
“At our wedding, and at the birth of our baby, and that time I mowed the grass too short.”
My aunt was in the hospital for hip replacement surgery, and not happy about the hospital gown she had to wear.
So when they took her into the OR my mom went out and bought her a nice robe to wear instead.
Instead of being grateful, my aunt was appalled. “You went shopping while I was in surgery? What if I’d died?”
“Oh, I’d have returned the robe,” answered my mom.
I’m a little depressed today. I’ve been paying into a plan that allows me to retire at fifty-five on twelve hundred a month.
I just found out that means calories.
Rock& Roll is not dead!
It’s always smelled like that.
Real estate people always try to put the best light on everything. One of them talked about a Robin Hood house.
I said, “What’s a Robin Hood house?” He said, “It has a Little John.”
Two ancient Southern Belles were on the veranda, listening to the music from the ball going on inside.
One says, 'Do you remember the Minuet?
The other replies, ‘Hell, I can’t remember the ones I slept with!’
Ha! I teach introductory environmental science to undergrads; I will include this as a (wrong) option to this question on their upcoming final exam.
When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving.
But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog.
Only kidding. It was the cat! — David Letterman.
Why did the turkey cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
Why don’t dentists like roast turkey?
They’re all cavities and no teeth.
My favorite Thanksgiving food is pie.
Some people think that’s irrational.
I make vegetarian Thanksgiving dinners.
They’re called “chive turkeys”.
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries, and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple-all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine-they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, “What is it you are waiting for?” She answered, “My turn for the teeth.”
A drunk walks into a bar…
“What do you guys have?” he asks.
“Well, we’ve got Brandy, Whiskey, Rum, Vodka… Any preference?” answers the bartender.
“Yes, alphabetical order, please.”
What do you call a chapel in a naval dockyard?
A place of warship.
Why are clams so hard to see on the bottom of the ocean?
They’re clamouflaged.
What does a flashy mathematician wear?
Fibonacci sequins.
What do you get when you cross a herbalist and a watchmaker?
A thyme keeper.
Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
I got banned from Olive Garden for eating too much breadsticks
“*how many did you eat?**”
“Olive them.”
What’s the problem eating too much pumpkin pie this time of year?
You’ll get autumn’y ache.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it…
It was three o’clock in the morning, and the receptionist at the posh hotel was almost dozing off when a little old lady came running up to her shouting, “Come quickly! There’s a naked man standing outside my window!”
The receptionist rushed to the old woman’s room. “Where is he?” she asked.
“Right over there,” replied the lady pointing to an apartment building across the street.
The receptionist looked out the window and did see a man walking around his apartment with no shirt on. “It’s probably just a man getting ready for bed. And how do you know he’s naked if you can only see him from the waist up?”
The old lady replied, “Try standing on the dresser!”
“Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.
That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace.” —Victor Borge
One of the oddities of Wall Street is…
…that it is the dealer and not the customer who is called broker. —Dallas News
Two Hollywood stars ran into each other at the door of their psychiatrist’s office.
“Hello, there,” said one. “Are you coming or going?”
“If I knew that,” said the other, “I wouldn’t be here.”
—The American Weekly
You can’t believe everything you hear…
…but you can repeat it.
I don’t like the term “Grammar Nazi” since it has “Nazi” in it.
I prefer the term “write supremacist”.
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
“She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.”
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote…
"I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in five minutes.”
Will Bradley Cooper win an Oscar for his performance in Maestro?
No one nose.
My mother always we told me she loved me like the moon and the stars.
We were never close.
On their wedding night, a die-hard golfer makes a confession to his new bride.
“Dearest, I love you more than I can say.” He paused. "But I also love golf. And I want you to know that every possible weekend, every vacation, every dollar of disposable income, I will spend on golf, golf memberships, golf vacations, golf clubs.
I know you knew some of this, but I wanted to make clear, tonight, on our wedding night, what to expect."
His wife looked at him. She turned away. She said, "I, too, have a confession. Since we’re sharing our secrets, I must tell you…
I’m a hooker."
Her new husband nodded, smiled, and said, "No problem.
“Just keep your head down, follow through on your swing, and keep your forward foot flat on the green…”
If the movie wins the ‘Best Makeup’ Oscar, will it be considered ‘winning by a nose’?
I accidentally fell asleep with my head under the pillow the other night.
I woke up with all my teeth missing and a $10 bill next to my face.
– Fred Wolf, stand-up comedian and former SNL writer
What do Spanish people call leftover beef?
Reincarne.
After winning the game, I threw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV.
Apparently that’s unacceptable in bowling.
They say in every friend group there is one who is willing to commit murder.
I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm.
The kids next door challenged me to water fight in the front yard.
I’m just posting real quick while I wait for it to boil.
A tree’s first winter must be terrifying.
Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.
Eh, not really a pun, since it’s the same root. “Incarnation” is “becoming flesh”.
A Wyoming Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
“Fred,” he replies.
“Fred what?” the officer asks.
“Just Fred,” the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. “Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?”
The biker replies, "It’s a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson, from Rock Springs, Wyoming. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
“Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my ‘Johnson’, so now, I’m, Just Fred.”
The officer walked away in tears, laughing…
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”
One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town.
Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull’s-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot. “This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen,” said the FBI man. “How in the world do you do it?” “Nothing to it,” said the idiot. “I shoot first and draw the circles afterward.”
The 2024 Parkour Championships will be sponsored by Parkay.
I can’t believe it’s not butter.
When I die, I want my group project members to lower my casket into the ground.
That way they can let me down one last time.
It is if it’s caribou meat.