The other day I told some work colleagues that a charity event had raised £3,142, which I said was a nice round number. Not sure if anyone got it, I know you will do better.
I got a subscription to Parts of Speech magazine.
I only read it for the articles.
Melanoma would also make a nice name for a girl (though the roots are Greek and English, not Latin).
What an irrational thing to say 
Do cannibals refer to homeless people…
…as free range?
I exchanged our bed for a trampoline.
My wife hit the roof.
The incident, indeed, was singular: going down the Strand, in one of his [young Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s] day-dreams, fancying himself swimming across the Hellespont, thrusting his hands before him as in the act of swimming, his hand came in contact with a gentleman’s pocket.
The gentleman seized his hand, turning round and looking at him with some anger, ‘What! so young, and so wicked?’ at the same time accused him of an attempt to pick his pocket; the frightened boy sobbed out his denial of the intention, and explained to him how he thought himself Leander, swimming across the Hellespont. The gentleman was so struck and delighted with the novelty of the thing, and with the simplicity and intelligence of the boy, that he subscribed to the library, in consequence of which Coleridge was further enabled to indulge his love of reading.
James Gillman, The Life of Samuel Taylor Coleridge
What do you call an elf who lives in Beverly Hills?
Welfy.
It was Christmas time, and the judge was feeling a little benevolent and filled with holiday spirit.
“What exactly is the charge?” he asked counsel.
“The man standing before you is charged with doing his Christmas shopping early.”
“Shopping early?” the judge replied. “Well, what’s wrong with that?”
The prosecutor replied, “He was doing his shopping before the stores were open.”
I don’t get it. Nice story though.
The humorous anecdote was from Gilman’s book, that’s all.
A sharp rap at the door startled the two lovers.
“Quick, it’s my husband,” exclaimed the frightened woman. “Jump out of the window!”
“But we’re on the 13th floor!” argued her lover.
“Jump,” cried the woman, “This is no time to be superstitious!”
You cannot trust the Internet.
All the websites offer me cookies, but I’ve yet to taste one.
What do you call children born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
A cop pulled me over and yelled, “PAPER!”
I yelled, “SCISSORS!”, and drove off.
TIL that “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” are not the same thing…
…at a funeral.
Or Candida.
There are any number of online baby name sites that list Candida as “a girl’s name of Latin origin. Meaning “white,” it comes from the term candidus.”
Yep, I was referring to the yeast infection.
There were two Roman Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways.
In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in High School.
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation became priests. Their priestly careers have come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see who they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope. Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because, even with all Timothy’s giftedness, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.
With a gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, “Why Timothy?”
After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, “We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola.”
I’m just sitting here all sad, crushing pop cans by myself:
It’s soda pressing.
Peppermint bark?
No, it doesnt.
Why is Christmas like your job?
You do all the work and a fat man in a suit gets the credit…
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
You know you’re from California when…
You don’t call it ‘Cali’.
Q: Why doesn’t Santa have any children?
A: He only comes once a year.
Natasha and Rudolph were looking out their window over the Soviet landscape.
Natasha insisted it was snowing; Rudolph insisted it was raining.
Rudolph said “But - Rudolph the Red knows rain dear”.
Q: What do you call a cat walking in the desert?
A: Sandy claws.
My wife asked me why I wanted to be cremated.
I said it was my last chance to have a smoking hot body.
I say, I say, what do you call a rude shop owner?
An improprietor.
Why are so many weddings in spring and summer?
Because the bride cometh before the fall.
Psychedelics don’t actually reveal deeper truths.
Just higher truths.
Why was Santa so hesitant about Rudolph flying his sleigh?
Because Rudy was lit.
Luke: groan That is such a dad joke!
Darth: well, speaking of that…
For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus -
It’s the little things that count.
Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?
Because he always accepts cookies.
I think Christmas should be moved to January.
The stores are less crowded and everything is on sale.
My girlfriend told me that if I bought her one more stupid gift then she would burn it.
So I bought her a candle.