This is a good batch, Prof.
Thanks for keeping this going.
mmm
I had a date last night.
Was it nice?
Yes, it was. Tonight I think I’ll have a fig.
I went on a date last night. Somebody dropped it in the toilet.
My wife and I agreed never to go to sleep angry with each other.
We’ve been awake since Thursday.
What do you call it when you have an egg sandwich in the morning?
Breakfast in bread.
What organization did Pavlov found?
The Salivation Army
“Tell your fortune! Only $40!” she offered, shuffling her tarot deck.
“No thanks,” I said as I passed.
“How about today special! $25!”
“Nope!” I replied.
“Okay, for you, one time only, $20 final offer.”
“Sorry,” I told her, “but I don’t negotiate with Tarot-ists.”
Did you know that before crowbars were invented…
…crows mostly drank alone?
So on a Saturday night this guy bursts into the crowded local bar waving a handgun around and yells out, “I’m looking for the guy who’s been sleeping with my wife! I’ve got my Colt model 1911 pistol with a round in the chamber and 7 more in the magazine! I aim to shoot the man who has had his way with my Lurline!”
From the back of the bar, a voice yelled out, “You’re gonna need more ammunition.”
I had to laugh about an NBC article today about a non-employee at a Waffle House in Georgia. She pretended to work at a cash register for two hours. Then she opened the till, took the money and left the restaurant. The reporter Rebecca Cohen must have broken a smile when she sent it in.
Is this the article? The reporter doesn’t seem to have made any jokes or puns about it, am I missing something?
Yes Leswax that was the one. I’m sorry I thought it was funny so assumed others like it as well. The idea that a stranger walked into a restaurant, the manager didn’t notice she was out of place and the criminal followed procedures and pretended to be a Waffle House cashier for two hours were to me funny.
A waffle…
…is just a pancake with abs.
If someone calls me a snowflake one more time…
I’m going to melt down.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland.
She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
How can you tell the age of a fake Christmas tree?
By the tape rings on the box.
I say, I say, what do you call a person who doesn’t believe in Santa Claus?
Eggnog-stic.
More Seasonal Humor: Share your favorite Christmas jokes! - #4 by Q.Q.Switcheroo
My wife just found out she’s adopted
She’s devastated and kept asking “Why didn’t they want me?” I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me to make love to her, which led to more tears…
On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, “Who’s your daddy?!” was a little insensitive.
A teacher asked her students, where does God live?
An 8 year old girl stood up and said, “God lives in the bathroom”.
The teacher said “What? God lives in the bathroom? How are you saying this?”
"I don’t know teacher, everyday in the morning, my father goes and bangs on the bathroom and says ‘Oh God! you’re still there!’ "
What did Santa say when he long castled in chess?
“O-O-O”.
What has four legs and an arm?
A pit bull.
Why is a ruler a good stocking stuffer?
Because it’s a foot.
I’d like to wish you all a Happy Holiday!
Don’t want to leave anyone out, so here’s what I say:
Have a great Thanksgiving, happy Solstice Day,
Happy Hanukkah and Kwanzaa and Hogmanay!
Have a Merry Christmas, and before I am through,
Happy New Year’s to you!
You left out the rest of us, who celebrate Festivus.
It doesn’t scan.
So, Mariah Carey wakes up Christmas morning and runs downstairs to her tree…
Underneath the tree is a single present. She unwraps the box to find a rolled up piece of paper inside. She rolls the paper open to find the deed for an unused piece of business property in New York City. As she read it over she exclaimed, “I don’t want a lot for Christmas!”
King Arthur introduces a visitor to his warriors…
“This is the brave Sir Lancelot, and on my left, the bold Sir Gawain. On the far side of the Round table are handsome Sir Galahad, the fierce Sir Sagramore and the famous Sir Eve…”
"Wait, what? Sir Eve? Famous?! "
“Well, surely you have heard about the Knight Before Christmas?”
My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because I won’t stop singing Christmas songs.
I said, “But baby, it’s cold outside.”
If the Hulk took over for Captain America…
…he’d be a star-spangled Banner.
A guy was trying to persuade his new girlfriend to come over to his apartment, and finally got the phone conversation moving in the right direction.
“I like a dry white wine,” she said.
“Great, I have 2 bottles chilling right now.”
“And I love Adele’s music.”
“It’s already playing.”
“And my fantasy is to get laid on a fur rug in front of a fireplace”
“No problem, I’ll shoot the dog.”
I’ve heard this as:
Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Now you have a grievance to air!
Glad I could get into the holiday spirit.
What do you call a pigsty in the wintertime?
A pigloo.
How does Kris Kringle clean his hands?
Santatizer
What do you call Santa when he comes down the chimney and the fire is still going?
Krisp Kringle
Jimmy says to Mack,
“I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I’m going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant, last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mack asks,
“So what are you going to do this year?”
Jimmy replies, “I’ll bloody take her with me!”
I ate too much cookie dough and got sick -
It was an overdoughse.
Alternative setups:
Where do eskimos keep their swine?
Where do you keep your swine in the winter?