Where does Johnny L.A. keep his swine?
‘In mah belleh!’
'Twas the night before Canadian Christmas, a day most holy
And not a person was skating, not even a goalie
There was no crashing or smashing, just silence throughout the rink
Because everyone was at the bar, getting a drink
And then the whistle blew and the third period began
We Downed Molson! Downed Keith’s! To our seats we ran
Down Kokanee! Down Screech! Down your pure maple syrup too!
Hurry up you hosers, or the next round’s on you
We heckled and jeckled and mocked our good friends
Because at the game is where neighbourly kindness ends
You cheer for the wrong team, those losers in blue
No, not the Habs; I meant the Leafs and you knew!
Wait, what’s that you say? 93 was 30 years ago? Ah, hell
Then I guess I did mean the Canadiens as well
But at least they’re not the Canucks, they of no Cup
Or the Oilers who are in the process of McFuckingUp
And then there’s the Flames, who won’t finish last
Which won’t get in the way of their going nowhere fast
Apparently the Sens still exist, for whatever reason
But we’ll acknowledge they do because 'tis the season
And so do the Jets, the gift that keeps giving
A small ray of light for those poor souls who in Winnipeg are living
So Santa Clause, bring us line brawls and fisticuffs and old time hockey fear
And we’re starting to sober up so please send the beer guy over here
So with that I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, and a jolly good night
eh.
Wasn’t that in November?
My town’s local nativity had the baby Jesus stolen.
They should have nailed him down.
If Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
The lesser-known fourth Wise Man brought baby Jesus the gift of protein powder.
It was a whey in a manger.
When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days…
I’ll just get a turkey next year like normal.
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!
A nun asks her class, “Who knows what city Jesus was born in?”
Little Johnny raises his hand and shouts, “Cheltenham!” The nun shakes her head and says, “No. Anyone else?”
Little Johnny raises his hand again and shouts, “Willow Grove!” Again, the nun shakes her head. “Nope. Anyone else?”
Little Johnny jumps up and shout, “I got it! Doylestown!” The nun shakes her head. “No. The correct answer is Bethlehem.”
Little Johnny jumps up again and shouts, “Hellfire! I knew it was somewhere up Route 611.”
My wife asked, “Do you hate all Christmas movies?”
I replied, “No, I love Love Actually actually.”
My uncle is great a flipping houses.
This is like his third RV.
Chuck Norris called 911…
…and asked if they needed help.
What would you call it if one country stole another country’s flag?
Flagiarism.
I remember an actual court case where someone tried to fight a ticket because a sign said “FINE FOR PARKING”. He lost.
I was trying to console the wife of a serial killer who committed suicide.
I said, “Hey, at least he died doing what he loved.”
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence .
Aren’t you excited that Breakdancing will be part of the 2024 Paris Olympic games?
I’m head over heels!
What do Alcoholics call New Year’s Eve?
Amateur night.
I can’t believe it’s finally New Year’s Eve.
Feels like it took all year for it to get here.
There was an old Gracie Allen joke that centered on a sign at the zoo that read:
Please do not feed the elephants peanuts
$10 fine
But when she fed an elephant $10, she was asked to leave.
I was never much of a fan of The Three Stooges’ violent slapstick, even as a kid, but they did a similar bit which made me laugh. When they were going to the woods to do some hunting, Moe sees a sign in the distance and says to Larry “go see if that sign says anything about hunting”. So Larry walks up to the sign and reads it. “FINE FOR HUNTING”.
Moe: So what did the sign say? Is it OK to hunt here?
Larry: yeah, it’s fine.
A man finds a magic lamp.
He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out and says “What are your other two wishes?”
The man says “Other two? What was my first wish?”
The genie just rolls his eyes and says “Check your pants.”
What did the tree rental man offer during the holidays?
“Fir Lease: Navidad”.
Today I learned that you can hear the blood flowing through your veins.
You just have to listen varicosely.
Orion’s Belt is a waist of space.
[Bad joke: only three stars.]
I got my girlfriend a refrigerator for Christmas.
You should’ve seen her face light up when she opened it.
When I was a kid, staying up until midnight on New Year’s Eve was a treat and a privilege.
In my late teens and 20s (maybe even into my early 30s) midnight was when the party was just getting in full swing.
Now, I have to struggle to stay awake till midnight on New Year’s Eve.
Not really a joke, just reality 
A drunk stumbles home after midnight, and his wife is angry.
“Where the hell have you been?”
He says, “I’ve been out looking for you!”
“Looking for me? I’ve been here all day!”
“Well, it figures, you’d be in the last place I look!”
Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, be sure to lift your left leg
That way, you’ll start the New Year on the right foot.
What do you call it when you stab a Snickers at Midnight?
A Snackrifice
If we are not meant to have midnight snacks…
Why does the fridge have a light ?
What do cowboys call midnight
High Moon
It was a dark, moonless night; the kind of night where you can barely see your hand in front of your face. A man was taking a shortcut through a graveyard and, in the dark, he fell into an open grave. He tried and tried to climb out, but he was stuck. No getting out until someone came to rescue him. Dejectedly, he settled down in the darkest of dark corners to wait.
Around midnight another man, walking through the graveyard in the dark, fell into the same open grave. Like the first man, he tried and tried to scape. He was becoming frantic, trying to extricate himself, when the first man said in a low, forlorn voice, ‘You’ll never get out.’
But he did!
Getting closer, closer, CLOSER!!
I’m going to stay up on New Year’s Eve this year…
not to see the New Year in, but to ensure this one leaves.
On their wedding night, the groom asks his new bride, “Honey, am I your first?”
She replied, “Why does everyone ask me that??”
My friend got killed by a donkey -
Some say he was assassinated.
Why do broccoli make the best racecar drivers?
Because they floret.
Peter Pan would make a great comedian -
His jokes would never get old.
On this date, we’ll be closing out the year with a waltz.
It’s 123, 123, 12/31/23 (American style dating).
Why is it a bad idea to go on a seesaw with Rick Astley?
Because he’s never gonna let you down.
I always have trouble keeping my New Year’s resolutions.
I’m going to save up enough money to buy a Velcro wall…and this year I plan on sticking to it.
Policeman to the driver at the side of the road.
Please sign here, the fine is $187, would you like to add a tip today?
Every year I look forward to a great show at Time’s Square…
…and every year they drop the ball.
Too funny not to make this:
[Moderator Note - incorrect image removed - see corrected image in next post]
Wrong word (‘leave’ instead of ‘add’). I corrected it. (Previous image deleted.)
What do you call a teacher who refuses to fart in public?
A private tooter.