I am working on earning my second million.
The first million didn’t go so well.
I’d never realized that cottage cheese really isn’t cheese.
It’s just a curd to me.
And there’s Indiana, which is almost all Eastern time except for a few counties in the northwestern and southwestern parts.
Arizona does indeed avoid Daylight Savings Time, except for the Navaho reservation.
Everybody uses computers for everything these days, but I find that for organizing your thoughts and brainstorming ideas, nothing beats a good old-fashioned whiteboard.
I find them to be quite remarkable.
What do you get when you mix Johnson’s Baby Powder with Johnson’s Baby Oil?
Johnson’s Baby.
Likely I’m dense, but I don’t get it.?
Most things, if you have the powder and add a fluid (typically water or milk, but in this case, oil) you reconstitute the original.
Three men appear in court, on charges of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.
The judge asks the first defendant, "What were you doing?”
Oh, just throwing pebbles in the pond.”
The judge asks the second gentleman, "And what were you doing?”
I was throwing pebbles in the pond, too.”
“Sounds harmless,” says the judge. He turns to the third person, "And you, were you throwing pebbles in the pond as well?”
No, sir. I AM Pebbles."
When I was in college, I had a lot in common with Microsoft Excel.
I misinterpreted a lot of things to be dates, even though they weren’t.
What kind of food is allowed during Ramadan?
Fast food.
A guy is selling meat pierogis in Russia on the street.
Customer approaches and asks, “Hey! Was this meat barking or meowing?”
(with a deep voice) “This meat was asking stupid questions!”
I knew a guy who could tell you how to decode any map.
He was a legend.
If I mix baby powder and baby oil, I don’t make a baby. It would be more like Johnson’s Baby Batter.
That, I believe, is why it’s a joke.
So Johnson had a dehydrated baby. Delipidated?
And he grows up to be a deliquesced delinquent.
THAT is funny!
Terry Pratchett Quotes
There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is
unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is
empirical evidence that they exist.
‘The God Moment’, Mail on Sunday
There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half
full, say: this glass is half full.
And then there are those who say: this glass is half empty.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and
say: What’s up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass?
I don’t think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
The Truth
Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.
Hogfather
Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you
put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying
‘End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH,’ the paint wouldn’t
even have time to dry.
Thief of Time
The reason that clichés become clichés is that they are the hammers and
screwdrivers in the toolbox of communication.
Guards! Guards!
A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read.
Guards! Guards!
Education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you
unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Hogfather
Cohen the Barbarian was the oldest living barbarian. Think about it.
Improve your memory -
Lend money.
A long-forgotten loved one will soon appear.
Buy the negatives at any price.
Emo Phillips: I went into a WalMart for the first time today, yes.
I believe we all go to WalMart at one time or another… if you don’t know Jesus.
My bank called, it’s official:
My yearnings outpace my earnings.
I say, I say, when is a monkey like a flower?
When it’s a chimp-pansy.
A: “I found part of a portable yesterday !”
B: “A portable What ?”
A: “I don’t know, i only found the handle.”
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he’d buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ’ Well, I don’t know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except… The Magic Penis!’
The husband said, ‘The what’?
The man repeated, ‘The Magic Penis,’ and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, ‘It looks like a dildo!’
The man then pointed to the door and said, ‘Magic Penis, door!’
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, ‘Magic Penis, return to box!’ and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said ‘Magic Penis, my vagina.’
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she’d had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven’t had anything to drink officer. You see, I’ve got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me."
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right… Magic Penis, my arse!
“Dad, can you explain what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses
I’m not too worried though, those suckers will never see me again.
Teachers shouldn’t let students outside to see the eclipse today
They need to protect their pupils.
Not to spoil the Eclipse for anyone today, but…
Bella chooses Edward.
I tried using a colander to view the eclipse.
I think I’ve strained my eyes.
Nice ones Prof’ !
How about that sun, throwing shade on all us earthlings.