Hey - come to Australia where the states decide whether or not they have daylight saving. In Queensland, although they are in the same time zone as NSW and Victoria, they don’t do daylight saving - so for half the year they are on the same time and half the year an hour behind (in addition to the 25 years they are behind the rest of the country 
).
Dressed like a cop? (The Smothers Brothers Show reference.)
Pontius Pilate: Joseph, I don’t understand.
You’re a wealthy citizen, a highly respected member of your temple and your community, but you give up your newly boughten crypt for a crucified criminal?
Joseph: Well, it’s just for a few days…
I say, I say, what do you do once you’ve eaten all your chocolate Easter candy?
Give Peeps a chance.
What did the grandma say to the grandkids at Easter?
When I was your age, eggs were twice the size and came with a pair of pantyhose.
I love Jesus.
He’s born, I get presents.
He dies, I get chocolate.
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg so I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.”
He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”
A Rabbi and a Catholic priest happen to end up sitting on the same park bench.
After a while the priest leans over to the Rabbi and says “It’s just the two of us here, and I’ll keep it quiet - tell me, have you ever eaten pork?”. The Rabbi looks around and sees there’s no one near, so confides in a low voice “Why yes, as it happens, I have!”.
After a while longer he leans over to the Priest and says “Tell me Father, in the same spirit, have you had sex since you’ve been a priest?”. The priest looks around, sees there’s still no one near, so confides in a low voice “Well, yes, I have to admit I have!”.
A further pause ensues, then the Rabbi leans over to the Priest and says “… better than pork, isn’t it?”.
Some US states opt out, too.
One is Hawaii, which is in a different time zone from the other 49 states.
The other is Arizona, which is in the Mountain time zone, along with all or parts of 13 other states.
Actually, Hawaii is in the same zone as most of the Aleutian Islands, at least during standard time. The Aleutians go on Daylight Savings Time while, as you say, Hawaii does not.
For sub-tropical, tropical, and equatorial regions, doing a DST-style time shift would be largely pointless, wouldn’t it?
Technically, the earth IS flat…
… I mean, it’s not like the oceans are sparkling.
I have finally figured out how to successfully clone a human…
Needless to say, I am beside myself.
I dropped a bottle of spring water into a swimming pool.
It turned into a trampoline.
Where does happiness come from?
The satisfactory.
I just finished a long article about the different stories behind Jesus’ death and resurrection.
There were a lot of cross references.
Your teeth are like stars.
They come out at night.
I see the shadow of your smile:
When you take out your dentures.
Talking of Daylight Saving Time:
Well, large parts of Arizona, anyway. The Navajo Lands, which take up a fairly large bit of the northeastern corner of the state does indeed observe DST.
Well, large parts of the Navajo Lands. There is a Hopi section that does not observe DST, just like Arizona.
I bought a new “Smart TV”…
Now I can’t watch Celebrity Big Brother.
It will only let me watch Neil deGrasse Tyson space documentaries.
What was the cheesiest show on '70s TV?
The Roquefort Files.
I was on the TV last night!
When I’m drunk I sleep anywhere.
Bribery is never the answer…
At least, that is what they paid me to say.
Why are Sherlock Holmes’ taxes so low?
He’s a master of deduction.
Correct, as the length of daylight in those regions varies much less through the year than is the case nearer the poles.
I was sitting on the edge of my chair last night with a can of black paint and my pants and undies around my ankles.
My wife walked into the room and screamed, “NO! You fool, I said to be sure you turn your clock back.”
__
My dad always called me “Pancake”
He said it was “Because the first one is always a mistake.”
“Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. “Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being
late so often is quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear”.
“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder”.
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?”
The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, “They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir”?
I took a video of my shoe yesterday.
It was some pretty good footage
I accidentally planted the wrong flowers in my garden
Oopsie daisies
Well, it’s pointless for temperate regions, too. But yes, even more so.
There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake.
For centuries these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons.
The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with two squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner.
The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knght with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon while the squire, using a noosed rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight’s armor.
The next day the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours but, when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
“The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.”
–But no, the joke itself is only barely sensible.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A Yamahahaha.
What do you call carrots with a vendetta?
Revengetables.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
Does anyone know the opposite of export elephant?
It’s important.
I recently saw a psychic, a mystic, a palm reader and a fortune teller all laughing together at something I couldn’t understand.
Must have been an insight joke…