How to you circumcise a whale?
Send down four skin-divers.
I always said I had “summer kids”.
Summer here, summer there.
I took a trip out West, and really appreciated seeing all the natural mesa formations.
I consider them the highest form of flattery.
A granny is walking to the store when she is stopped by a military checkpoint
Soldiers inform her that she can’t cross the bridge because it was destroyed. “Destroyed how? I can plainly see it and there is nothing wrong with it.” “No, no, ma’am” explains the soldier. “According to the exercise scenario this bridge was destroyed yesterday and we can’t let anybody cross.” “But I need to buy milk for my grandchildren.” "No, sorry, you really can’t cross. After some more and increasingly angry arguments from the granny soldier does what any sensible soldier would do in such situation, he brings her to an officer. “Look here, sir. I need to cross the bridge to get to the store to buy milk for my grandkids but soldiers won’t let me cross. They say bridge was destroyed but I can plainly see it’s still standing.” Officer looks at her with sympathetic eyes. “I’d really love to help you but according to scenario of the exercise I was killed 2 days ago.”
Please don’t make jokes about the crucifixion.
Unless you really nail the execution.
Why do we color Easter eggs?
Because Jesus dyed for your sins.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life. …
Push and Pull!
A spider asked a human, “Why are you afraid of me?”
Human: “Well, all the reasons I did have are replaced by the fact that you can talk.”
It really gets me cross when old jokes like this get resurrected.
You know why Jesus left the stone rolled aside on Easter Morning, right?
He was, after all, born in a barn.
A kid was hollering at his Easter basket when his mom asked him what he was doing.
“Just giving a shout-out to my Peeps.”
mmm
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by abstaining from meat on Fridays and all Holy days.
Peter the fisherman: slides Jesus a $20
Jesus: Also fish isn’t meat.
Two dachshunds were chatting.
“I can’t figure it out,” said the first, “I’m always anxious and nervous, even though I’m in perfectly fine health.”
“You should see a psychiatrist,” his friend replied.
“How can I? I’m not allowed on the couch.”
Boss: “You’ll find a little extra in your envelope this week.”
Worker: “Great! What is it?”
Boss: “Your pink slip.”
How do you lure a 500-pound canary into a trap?
Hide in the bush and make a sound like birdseed.
A rooster wakes up early Easter Sunday morning.
He sticks his head out of the chicken coop, and sees all these multicolored eggs all over the barnyard. He takes a look at the eggs, takes a look at the hens, takes another look at the eggs, takes one more look at the hens.
He thinks about it for a minute, then he walks across the barnyard and kicks the heck out of the peacock.
Why did Jesus have such great abs?
Crossfit.
My wife says I should share this one.
Workers adjusting Stonehenge for the upcoming switch to British Summer Time
which starts tonight (31-Mar-2024)…
Shouldn’t that be under tomorrow’s date? or are you there already?
It was a general “tonight” … which covers late today and early tomorrow.
The clocks go forward to 02:00 at 01:00. So yes, technically tomorrow.
(Although i probably could have said we’re already there and i don’t
suppose you’d have bothered checking !)
Ah. Your clocks actually change on April 1st?
That isn’t what I was thinking of about that date.
No, 01:00 on 31 march.
I still think that’s a great one for April Fools’ Day.
What goes hippity-hop through the mud?
The Easter Pig.
The choir sang a hymn about ursine strabismus.
“Gladly the cross I’d bear”.
Interestingly, it is at 2:00 in Sweden (CET) and 3:00 in Greece (whatever timezone that is). The effect is the whole of Europe switches at the same moment. (Not like the US, where the change happens at 2:00 local time in each time zone?)