Rust in peace.
She fancied a run around the block.
Eight pirates.
He had the wrong date.
Two. An inside and an outside.
Spiders. Just sayin’. 
Nitpick: just the one spider.
Me. In my freezer… 
By a cereal killer?
A lame one that I made up:
I’m excited about the possible improvements for my robotic rake. It’s only scratching the surface at the moment.
Have you heard Boeing’s new slogan?
When one door closes, another opens.
I am bisexual.
The only way I can get sex is to buy it.
We met online.
Guy: Why would I sit on drugs ?
Cop: Have you taken any ?
Guy: Taken them where ?
Cop: I meant used drugs.
Guy: I prefer new.
Pander Express.
“In my country I can go to the White House, walk to the President’s office and pound the desk and say “Mr. President! I don’t like how you’re running things in this country!”
“I can do that too!”
“Really?”
“Yes! I can go to the Kremlin, walk into the general secretary’s office and pound the desk and say, Mr. Secretary, I don’t like how Biden is running his country!”
I think she has a nut allergy.
Nothing but net.
He refused to take the shot.
The game would be canceled.
He shoots, he scores!
It wouldn’t be Fahrenheit.
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Nah, I’ll award you an “A” for effort.
Doctor: I just got your test results back. I’ve never seen this before, but it appears that your entire genetic structure is backwards.
Patient: And?
Heh, that took a second.
I got it right off, but I think it would have been better if the punchline was in caps: AND?
Not a bad call-- I tried to change it but I missed the edit window. Eh, maybe the subtle approach is best anyway.
Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly.
“Oh my goodness, I am so terribly sorry!” apologizes the embarrassed King…
“Oh don’t worry about it," the Pope replied, “If you hadn’t said anything, I’d have just thought it was one of the horses!”
Heidegger.
She was down to her final 4!!!
Officials cite gross misunderstanding of “March Madness”…
Sometimes I wish I’d never bought a Slinky.
This immediately came to mind:
Captain Spaulding: As I say, we tried to remove the tusks. But they were embedded so firmly we couldn’t budge them. Of course, in Alabama the Tuscaloosa, but that is entirely ir-elephant to what I was talking about.
My friend circumcises elephants.
The pay is lousy, but the tips are big.
She was with a guy who had summer teeth.
Summer there, some ain’t.
mmm