This can actually be done. Not by looking through it directly, but just holding it out and looking at the shadow.
Eh, he can stick those jokes where the Sun don’t shine.
LOL…
I heard on a news story yesterday that the eclipse crossed the US Border at Eagle Pass, TX.
I’m surprised it wasn’t turned away and sent back to Mexico…
When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record…
Confused, I replied, “Oh, is that still required?”
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
A joke is like a frog…
When you dissect it, it dies.
Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it.
Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn’t be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.
Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.
The women of King Arthur’s court must have been very happy -
They Camelot.
A computer beat me at chess.
Then I beat it at kickboxing, and it never beat me at chess again.
I saw my math teacher with graph paper.
He must be plotting something.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of green cheese by its diameter?
Moon pi.
When can a net hold water?
When the water’s frozen.
What do you call a small wound?
A short cut.
This should be posted in the “Everest: just don’t do it” thread
What’s the difference between the Civil War in England and the Civil War in Texas?
In England the Civil War was a conflict based around the struggle of power between Parliament and The King - encompassing deep seated differences in religion, plus conflicts of economic and political policy.
In Texas the Civil War is an item on a to-do list.
I went to Walmart yesterday.
I have to go today as well, or else I’ll be fired.
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?
A flat miner.
When I was arrested, I cut off the policeman’s arm so I could get away.
It was a wrist I was willing to take.
Cleavage is like the sun.
You can stare at it longer if you wear sunglasses.
Three priests are taking a trip.
It’s by rail. They get to the train station, and one of the priests walks up to the ticket counter. The counter is staffed by a buxom young woman, wearing a low-cut sweater.
The priest says “Hi, I’d like three pickets to Tittsburgh…sorry, three tickets to Pittsburgh,” and then blushes and walks away back to the group.
The second priest walks up to the ticket counter, resolved to not make the same mistake as the first, and says to the woman “I’d like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and the change in dimes and nipples–uh, I mean, dimes and nickels…” but can’t finish and, blushing, walks away.
The third priest, who has been watching all of this and getting irritated (he’s older and the superior of the other two priests), walks over to the counter, where he can tell the woman has been enjoying seeing the priests get flustered. He carefully enunciates “I’d like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and the change in dimes and nickels. And, young lady, when you get to Heaven, St. Finger is going to wag his peter at you…”
A policeman pulled me over on Friday night.
“Excuse me mister, how do I get to the local zoo?” I asked, giggling.
He sighed and said, “I don’t know. Do I look like a tour guide to you?”
Then he asked me to remove my sunglasses. Once I’d done that he shook his head.
“Jesus…” he frowned. “What drugs are you on?”
I said, “I don’t know. Do I look like a chemist to you?”
A Russian got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot
5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.
I’ve got a pet peeve.
His name is Sparkles and he likes belly rubs.
A chandelier can be a paradox.
Not only can be ornately heavy, it can still be pretty light.
It’s raining pennies and quarters.
That’s what I call climate change.
I say, I say, why did they fire the cashier?
Nothing seemed to register with him.
Why can’t you judge a book by its cover?
It’s all a front.
Why do trees make great cheerleaders?
They’ll root for you.
I’m a vegetarian, but when I’m feeling wild…
…I eat animal crackers.
A vacationer from New York found his way into a bar in Billings, Montana, and began some serious drinking.
After he was well past the legal limit, he stood up and shouted, “Every last Democrat is a horse’s ass!” The crowd jumped on him and beat him up.
After a week he returned to the same bar, had some drinks, and stood up and shouted, “Every last Republican is a horse’s ass!” The crowd descended upon him and beat him into silly putty again. He asks the bartender, “Who are these people anyway?”
“You don’t understand,” the bartender replied. “This is horse country.”
What’s the difference between a religious revival and a bikers rally?
At a religious revival, they say “STAND UP FOR JESUS.”
At a bikers rally, they say “SIT DOWN FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.”
In a revival tent service, the preacher said, “Anyone with 'special needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.”
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”
Leroy replied, “I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”
The preacher put one finger of one hand on Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. The whole congregation joined with enthusiastic shouts of “Amen Brother!”
After a few minutes the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”
“I don’t know,” Leroy answered. “It isn’t until next Thursday.”
There are two great financial geniuses in the Bible:
One was Noah, who floated his stock while everyone else had to go into liquidation.
The other one was pharaoh’s daughter, who went to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.
I only believe 12.5% of the Bible -
I guess that makes me an eighth-theist.
Why is Elvis Presley bad at bowling?
Because he’s dead.
The first steam-powered mechanical merry-go-round, invented by Thomas Bradshaw, appeared at a fair in 1861. The first Ferris wheel, invented by George Washington Gale Ferris Jr., was introduced at the 1893 Chicago World’s Fair. Surprisingly, the two men never met.
They simply traveled in different circles.
When was Bradshaw born, and when did he die?
Van Gogh is sitting at the bar. The bartender asks, “Would you like a whiskey?”
Van Gogh replies, “I got one ‘ere.”
An anteater walks into a bar and says that he’d like a drink.
“Okay,” says the bartender. “How about a beer?”
“No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o,” replies the anteater.
“Then how about a gin and tonic?”
“No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o.”
“A martini?”
“No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o.”
Finally, the bartender gets fed up and says, “Hey, buddy, if you don’t mind me asking—why the long no’s?”
Raggedy Ann was dating the Pillsbury Dough Boy…
…but she got a yeast infection.
There are two rules for succeeding at business.
The first is, never tell them everything you know.
“Doctor,” said the patient. “I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’”
“Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me,” the doctor replies.
“Is that common?”
“It’s not unusual.”
The joke setup as I originally heard it was simply “The inventor of the merry-go-round and the Ferris wheel never met…”. I thought it might give a little color to the joke if I did a bit of research and added some actual history to the joke setup. Also, I was just curious as to who did invent the merry-go-round (I already knew of Ferris). I didn’t think i’d be called out for a cite on a joke! 
Actually, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of biographical info on Bradshaw. Since the intro of the merry-go-round was over 30 years before the Ferris wheel, Bradshaw may have died long before then. Or, for all I know, Bradshaw may have known Ferris well, and an elderly Bradshaw attended the opening day of the Ferris wheel at the World’s Fair. My joke research admittedly was not that exhaustive.
The Votemaster had an amusing variation on the astronomer captured by a primitive tribe on the day of an eclipse.
He asked one of the natives whether he was going to be eaten early in the day or late. The native said that it would be late. “Aha” thought the astronomer, “I can threaten them to take away the sun unless they release me.” Then the native added, “About an hour after the eclipse.”
What’s the most important thing to remember about Chemistry?
Never lick the spoon.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
There weren’t any chickens in those days.
A woman wanted something with diamonds for her birthday.
The husband bought her a deck of cards.
How did Little Bo Peep lose her sheep?
She had a crook with her.
Doctor, Doctor, my wife thinks she’s a duck!
Well, bring her in to see me tomorrow.
I can’t, she’s flown south for the winter!
Her staff included a crook.
“A staff with a crook at one end is called a shepherd’s crook, and is a long, sturdy stick with a hook at one end. Shepherds use shepherd’s crooks to manage and sometimes catch sheep. The crook lengthens the shepherd’s reach, making it easier to detain a sheep.”
/end boring aside.
Viewed from above, in the United Kingdom, merry-go-rounds, called “gallopers” by the showmen community when populated by model horses, usually turn clockwise (from the outside, animals face to the left), while in North America and Mainland Europe, carousels typically go counterclockwise (animals face to the right)