It sounds like things aren’t going to change, which means its time to ask yourself if you need them to change. If you need them to change, then you are going to have to change what you can change - which is where you live and how much you enable Mrs. Cad in her enabling.
It sounds like you and Mrs. Cad are at an impasse - would you guys be open to seeing a counsellor to try to shake things loose and not end your marriage?
Can you live like this until “niece” is grown and moved out? If you can, stay. If not, move out. Stop enabling the drama. Either choose to live with it in perfect contentment, or put a stop to the situation.
Alternately, quit your second job and define SiL as your wife’s expensive hobby, which she can fund herself.
You can’t be taken advantage of without your permission.
She’s 8 so no. We are looking to move so I think the deadline is when we move she is not coming with us. If MC insists she comes with us then it may be her or me.
This really is not (at root) a problem with your sponging boarder it is a problem between you and your wife. The situation you describe with a 2.5 year boarder is borderline intolerable on multiple levels, but, and it’s a large but, you need to decide if this is the hill you want to die on. If your wife is as solidly packed into her position as you indicate re not booting your boarder, then forcing the issue is going to become a “me or her battle” of the wills. If your relationship with your wife has deteriorated to the point she will not engage your reasonable position on this to seek a solution then… I don’t what to tell you about your marriage.
You are being forced to be a donkey, and pull a cart far more laden than it should be and your wife seems to have no issues with this. Taking a resolute stand will probably damage or destroy your marriage. The only possibility for resolution is if your wife fears life without you more than her desire to want to maintain her friends tenancy in your house.
It doesn’t sound like you wife is listening to you or respecting your opinion anymore, and honestly that’s usually the beginning of the end. Your problem is lot more than just your boarder.
astro saved me all the typing - this is a marital issue. My husband doesn’t get to do stuff that makes me take on a second job without mutual agreement about how our lives are going to be and vice versa.
Also, I agree that an ultimatum on “me or her” may not go the way you want it to - are you prepared for that?
The way it will be put is, “I’m moving to Xxxxxxxx like WE agreed to for our son. Are you going to move with me or continue to live here with SIL?”
Wow - don’t know what to say other than sorry you are in this spot. Hang in there and try and be calm even when you are ready to explode. Try not to yell.
Other than that got nothing.
Has she even hinted that she expects SIL will be coming along? As in “Well when we get to Xxxxxxxxx - SIL and I can go do xyz”. Or are you at the point where neither of you mention her if you want to keep the peace?
I’ve got to say I’ve been in relationships before with “sisters” involved and they were nothing but trouble (the relationship - not the sister), I only have a small sample size, but it is a big red flag for me from now on. Perhaps unfairly, but oh well.
SIL plans on going with us if she hasn’t found a new place by then . . . she’s not even looking.
So you mean unless someone gives her a house during that period of time?
Can you make it clear, just you and SIL, that this is absolutely not going to happen?
In either case, have you set a specific deadline for the move? I think that might be a good idea, because it’s in both Mrs. Cad’s & SIL’s interests now to make sure that the move is always a few weeks away from starting to happen.
It really sounds to me from what you’ve described that your wife and your SIL have made their decisions already, and they don’t much care what you want. I too am very sorry that you’re in this situation - it must be endlessly frustrating for you.
I think I would be out of there by now. Let your wife and “sister” sort it out themselves.
I can’t see which is the bigger problem SIL or Mrs. Cad.
I love my sis dearly but if she was mooching off of me for 2.5 years I’m pretty sure Mrs. Bubbadog would be walking out on me. Especially if I was continuing to enable my sis’s bad behavior.
Note- My sis is awesome and would not think of taking advantage of me.
It is Mrs. Cad, who thinks this is OK and doesn’t much care. If she would rather live with her friend, it may be how it shakes out in the end.
A sad situation.
Or the girl could decide that letting other people work for you is the easier way to go. It’s not like it hasn’t been working for her mom.
My husband has told me firmly and understandably that once my dad passes away and if lazy Idiot Brother cannot find someone else to put up with his bullshit that we will not take him in. The only possible way I would feel comfortable even arguing with his reasonable stance is if dumb-dumb fathered a child. And even then I would have to think long and hard about letting them live here. I’m not sure why the OP is letting his wife and his SIL make him feel like a slave. A grown adult is responsible for themselves. If they cannot be, they should be viewed as a teenager and treated accordingly.
Cad, I have a lot of sympathy for you. My situation had some similarities but worked out much better, at least for me and my immediate family. My nephew became my adopted son and my SIL went on to make herself someone else’s problem and is almost entirely out of the picture. I don’t want to go into all the details, but at least be thankful your SIL had only one child.
The fact that they were sisters in a previous life – was that poetic description of a close bond, or did they literally harbor a belief in rebirth and a further belief that they were sisters in a prior life?
The second one. Mrs. Cad did and SIL does. MC still believes they are sisters even if not in the genetic or reincarnation sense. What really pisses me off is that MC and I can’t even discuss it because I apparently need to deal with SIL’s shit and SIL never does - even though she has an 8 year old to take care of and SHE is the one renting from US.
It’s just gotten to the point where MC is not even facing reality. The 8 year old is not going to be on the streets if SIL is out of the house. If mom can’t support her, she’ll be with her dad and fiancee (IMO would be better off there than with her mom but I don’t dare mention that) and MC’s enabling should not trump my master’s in special education when dealing with someone with a disability.