From Norm:
“A study today revealed that women with low birth weights have higher incidents of breast cancer. More great work from the Society For Things You Can’t Do Anything About.”
Well, the magazine P.O.V. came out this week, with a list of the best and worst jobs to have in the next century. The three best were, in this order: Multimedia Software Designer, Management Consultant, and Interactive Advertising Executive; while their worst, for the third year in a row: Crack Whore.
-Norm MacDonald
I believe it was Dennis Miller who said this one:
“Scientists report that people who lift weights drastically reduce their chances of developing Alzheimers. Which means that, in a few years, Joe Piscopo will be the only person who remembers who he is.”
For some reason, I loved Dennis Miller’s joke about how Aunt Jemima, in the company’s attempt to be more modern, would henceforth be known as Axl Jemima. I think a big part of it was the delivery.
I thought one of Seth Meyers’ best lines wasn’t a joke, but the spot-on observation that whoever sold that photograph of Michael Phelps with the bong instead of just being excited about having the chance to party with an Olympic legend is an incredible dick.
The best part was later in the segment, he was handed a piece of paper and announced, “Correction to the story earlier: The actual worst job is Assistant Crack Whore.”
And that was later amended to “Crack Whore Trainee”.
I’ve seen very few episodes of SNL, but I found this line by Tina Fey funny. I can’t remember it exactly so I’m paraphrasing.
“Students at MIT are organizing a time traveler party this weekend, encouraging any time travelers to participate. Unfortunately, the time travelers already know the party’s going to suck.”
From Jane Curtin:
“Roy Rogers announced today that when he dies, he would like to be stuffed and mounted on top of his horse, Trigger. Trigger has already been stuffed and mounted and is on display at the Animal Hall of Fame in [wherever]. Asked to comment, Dale Evans, Rogers’ wife of 35 years, said that she, too, would like to be stuffed and mounted, although not necessarily in that order.”
After the first American Idol, “Justin Guarini signed his first record deal this week…for just 1 penny, he will get ten records”.
A couple of my favorite gags, from memory, were from the Original Not Ready For Prime Time Players days.
“And now, Weekend Update. Brought to you by Hershey Highway. The candy that’s turned America’s taste around for fifty years.”
“And now, Weekend Update. Brought to you by Pussy Whip, the first dessert topping for cats.”
Chevy Chase talking on the phone as the WU segment starts: “No, you don’t blow. That’s just an expression.”
I hope I’m remembering this right. During Dennis Miller’s time as host, they’d use different songs for the Weekend Update theme, and the week Vanilla Ice was musical guest, they used Under Pressure. Miller said something like “You know, that song could still be a huge hit today!”
Speaking of lead-in songs, did anyone notice that one time (at least) they used Led Zep’s Livin Lovin Maid, using the imagery of (I think) ABC’s shot of the Statue of Liberty going around? Did anyone else think it was a reference tot he fact that the music behind the actual Statue of Liberty shot on the real newscast was basically rockin’?
For me, that was topped when Ron Nessen, former NBC newsman and President Gerald Ford’s press secretary was guest host. Chevy spoke his usual greeting, “I’m Chevy Chase and you’re not.” This was followed by a tape of Ford responding, “I’m President Ford and you’re not.” This was an obvious shot, although humorous, at Chase, who lampooned Ford’s perceived clumsiness on the show.
Funnily (and somehow appropriately) enough, it was the now-imprisoned Michael Vick.
Actually, what I think Thudlow Boink meant to write was…
“Actually, Kevin Nealon awesome came between Miller smartass and MacDonald jackass, and he went for more of the deadpan boring, fake breasts newscast style. I liked the way he did your mom it and think he’s underrated and underpaid, though I think MacDonald jackass is probably my favorite boob.”
God, I miss Kevin Nealon.
One from Jimmy Fallon I thought was hysterical but got complete silence from the audience was something about a discovery enabling scientists to make automobile fuel out of hazelnuts. He said “great because aren’t hazelnuts only like…$7 for a 4oz bottle? That means gas will only be like…$59 dollars a gallon then!”
And from the Obama campaign…
Tina Fey: “Bitch is the new black!”
Tracy Morgan: “Yeah, well black is the new President, bitch!”
Wasn’t that actually A Whitney Brown in one of his Big Picture bits on WU?