Some weeks ago, at the behest of a Doper whose name I [del]forgot neglected[/del] couldn’t be arsed to write down, I gave my word as a votary of Athena to cease my slanders on, libels regarding, threats of violence to, and actual felonious assaults upon the Welsh save only their loxodontish Prince. I will of course be keeping my promise, but this presents me with a problem. I am, as everyone knows, a petty and contemptuous man full of vileness and hate, and my bigotry needs and outlet. In short I need somewhere to direct my loathing.
I have narrowed the field down to two possibilities: Elves and Smurfs.
Points against hating all Elves:
[ul]
[li]Galadriel.[/li][li]Orcrist and Glamdring.[/li][li]They make some nice cookies.[/li][li]Santa brought me a very nice bow & arrow set when I was ten even though my parents were opposed to the notion and thus I was able to kill my first racccoon before the deadline.[/li][/ul]
Points in favor of hating all Elves:
[ul]
[li]Legolas.[/li][li]That archer dude who stank up the Fellowship.[/li][li]The son of Thranduil.[/li][li]Legolas.[/li][/ul]
Points against hating all Smurfs:
[ul]
[li]They can be turned into gold with the proper alchemical training.[/li][li]Also pies, though thta requires baking rather than alchemy.[/li][li]They’re only three apples high and thus as easy to ignore as to step on.[/li][/ul]
Points in favor of hating all Smurfs:
[ul]
[li]Clumsy.[/li][li]Brainy.[/li][li]Smurfette and, even more so, Sassette.[/li][li]In fact, the entire fricking village, except Handy, because he was awesome.[/li][/ul]
I find myself unable to decide and thus turn to the Teeming Millions for advice and counsel. Should I concentrate my hatred on Elves or Smurfs (or split the difference, and dedicate myself to wiping out the Hobbits?
My setter pups were 6 and 4 when the Smurfs first rose to cartoon dominance. When asked if they wanted to watch the Smurfs, I received a sniff of disdain and a reply of “They are worse than My Little Pony.” For the uninitiated, My Little Ponies were cartoon ponies who were all sparkly and flowery and girly and far, far beneath the notice of two manly-males like my boys.
In family loyalty, I, too, shall dismiss the Smurfs as unworthy and choose the Elves.
Besides, having first read LOTR at age 11, I adored Galadriel. I wanted to be her when I grew up - wise, intuitive, powerful, and stunningly gorgeous.
Inquiry: regarding your…err…disdain for Legolas. Is that movie Legolas you despise? or book Legolas? I rather liked book Legolas myself.
Book!Legolas is awesome. Movie!Legolas deserves repeated punches in the kidneys until he apologizes for all his misdeeds, and NO, he will not be told what those misdeeds are, the fact that he doesn’t know just makes it worse.
Elves. I will let the greatest Fantasy author of all time tell you why:
“Elves are wonderful. They provoke wonder.
Elves are marvellous. They cause marvels.
Elves are fantastic. They create fantasies.
Elves are glamorous. They project glamour.
Elves are enchanting. They weave enchantment.
Elves are terrific. They beget terror.
The thing about words is that meanings can twist just like a snake, and if you want to find snakes look for them behind words that have changed their meaning.
No one ever said elves are nice.
Elves are bad.”
Galadriel is as wonderful as a woman can be without being Athena, madman.
As to the Mary Sue allegation: that term is so variable in usage as to be meaningless. Tell me what you mean by it and why the Elves fit the usage, and I’ll consider taking you seriously.
ETA: And what’s wrong with being a murderous bastard?
Nothing I posted said anything about murderous bastards, so why you keep going there, I don’t know. Pratchett’s quote isn’t about Elves murdering you. It’s about them getting in your head.
