<The two tribes, Smurfakor and Smurfa, have merged. We’re down to the last four Smurfs. Who will be the last Smurfvivor? Let’s look in on each of the remaning members>
<Close Up of Pappy Smurf. He’s whittleing something. He looks at the camera>
Pappy Smurf:* I don’t trust them others. I’m trying to win and I think I’ve got a good chance, if that little slut Smurfette doesn’t set both o’ the others agin’ me. I’m old. I fought in the Gargamel wars. I don’t deserve th’ kind o’ treatment that I been gettin’. She smurfed me once, to get me to vote Paranoid Smurf off the island. I did it too. She’s one smufing filly who knows how to use her body. But they can’t vote me off. I’m th’ only one with any experience. Who was it that knew how to skin, gut and butcher Happy Smurf? Huh? If it weren’t fer me, they’d 've eaten him raw.*
<Cut to Angry Smurf>
Angry Smurf: * This smurfing sucks. I hate Pappy Smurf. I’d like to put my smurfing fist through his ugly face. I hate all the smurfing Smurfs. <muses a moment> I * didn’t* hate it when we ate Happy Smurf, but that’s ‘cause it SHUT HIM UP! Always with the “La LA La-La La La” song. I know for a fact that that knife in his back was no accident. I don’t care what the smurfing investigation proved. The only smufing thing I like is the poontang I’ve been getting from that smurfing bitch Smurfette. But she’s been givin’ it to Handy Smurf too. Unless he’s gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Love the Smurfer but hate the Smurf, I always say. But it’s not my smurfstyle choice.*
<Esprix’s voice can be heard faintly from over 5000 miles away:* [sup]It’s not a smurfstyle and it’s not a choice![/sup]*>
Angry Smurf: <momentarily confused, but shakes it off>:*
I think she’s been trying to smurf him too. I know she’s smurfed Pappy Smurf. I caught ‘em, once. <shudders> She’s playing us. I’d kick the smurf out of her if I could smurfing prove she’s foolin’ around with Handy. But until I do, I’ll let her think that she’s leading me around by my smurf. But when it comes down to her or me…it’s gonna be me. No smurfing Smurf is gonna stand in the way of me winning. Even if she is the only female smurf and if I smurf her off, I’ll never get smurfed again. Hmmm. I better smurfing rethink my smurfing strategy.*
<Cut to Handy Smurf, on the roof of the hut, repairing it:>
Handy Smurf: *Angry’s kind of cute. I mean…he’d be bad for me. I know that. But…that inner rage…well, that outer rage, I suppose always turns me on. I know he’s…well, to put it crudely…he’s smurfing Smurfette, but I think that he’s just doing it to play the game. Y’know? And there’s a lot of pressure on Smurfs who’re…um…well. Gay. There. I said it. I suspect that’s one of the reason’s Happy Smurf (or as Smurfette put it: “Gay” Smurf. ha. ha. Very mature Smurfette) was…well, we all know what happened to Happy Smurf, regardless of what the inquest said. She hates any Smurf who isn’t smurfing after her like a dog in heat.
I think when this is over, maybe Angry and I can get together. There’s more than just the two of us in the Village. I mean, think about it. There’re 500 young male Smurfs and only ONE woman? C’mon. What do you think goes on inside Blacksmith Smurf’s smithy? Why do you think we have a smithy? We don’t have any horses! We’re too smurfing small to ride horses but it gives some of the more smurfmental types a way to look in the other direction, but it’s time for smurf-ciety to realize that we can be productive members of Smurfdom. It’s time for us to smurf out of the closet. And if anyone disapproves, well, I’m the ONLY Smurf who knows how to build anything. If they say one word, let 'em get Drunken Smurf to try to fix their leaky roof.
<thinks for a minute>
I don’t trust Smurfette. I’m willing to let Angry win this if it’ll help him with his issues, and Pappy’s no threat but I’ll be smurfed if I let that bitch win. If I can get rid of Smurfette this round and Pappy the next, that means Angry and I can have a week by ourselves. I bet he relaxes without smurfciety’s disapproving glare. But I’ve got to get rid of that smurfing bitch first.*
<Cut to Smurfette>
Smurfette:*I’m the only one doing any smurfing work around here. Who has to sweep out the hut? Me. Who had to clean up the mess Pappy made when he tried to skin him? Me. Who had to figure out how to cook Happy when Pappy turned a bunch of prime Smurfsteaks into shredded Smurf with his “patented filleting technique”? Me. Mu-Shu Smurf, Smurfaritos. Sloppy Smurfs. There’s only so much you can do with shredded Smurf.
But I’ve got Angry right where I want him. He’s so hot for me that he can’t see straight and he doesn’t even realize it. All I have to do is smurf him once or twice a week and he’s like putty in my hands. But he scares me a little too. He has all those anger issues. I want him gone. Pappy’s no threat. The only reason he’s still around is that we all know he’s gonna have a heart attack or something, and we all know what that means: more meat!
I don’t know about Handy Smurf. He’s cute, in a burly sort of way but…it’s like he doesn’t even notice me. I don’t know what he’s got in his pants. With all the tools, hammers and saws and stuff he’s got stuck in there, it’s hard to tell. It looks like a yardstick…<her eyes momentarily glaze as she considers the possibility> I want to find out, though. He’s much cuter than Angry and if I can get him on my side I can get rid of the only real threat: Angry. *
<Voiceover: * And now, the four remaining Smurfvivors must head towards their second-to-last Smurfvivor challange. After this challenge, one of these four will be off the island.*>
<Long shot of four bedraggled looking Smurfs hiking, single file through a jungle. Angry is hacking at plants as though they personally offended him.>
<Cut to: Smarmy Smurf, the MC, who watches them as they arrive>
<Cut to: Commercial break, while Fenris’s fingers recover.>
To be continued…
Fenris
