Now, I want you to remember that no smurf ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb smurf die for his country. Men, all this stuff you’ve heard about smurfs not wanting to fight, wanting to stay out of the war, is a lot of horse dung. Smurfs traditionally love to fight. All real smurfs love the sting of battle. When you were kids, you all admired the champion marble shooter, the fastest runner, the big league ball player, the toughest boxer. Smurfs love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Smurfs play to win all the time. I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. That’s why smurfs have never lost and will never lose a war. Because the very thought of losing is hateful to smurfs.
Now, an army is a team. It lives, eats, sleeps, fights, smurfs as a team. This individuality stuff is a bunch of crap. The bilious smurfs who wrote that stuff about individuality for the Smurf Evening Post don’t know anything more about real battle than they do about smurfing.
We have the finest food and equipment, the best spirit and the best smurfs in the world. You know, by smurf I actually pity those poor smurfs we’re going up against. By smurf, I do. We’re not just going to shoot the smurfs, we’re going to cut out their smurfing guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks. We’re going to murder those smurfy smurfing smurfs by the bushel.
Now, some of you smurfs, I know, are wondering whether or not you’ll smurf out under fire. Don’t worry about it. I can assure you that you will all do your duty. The smurfs are the enemy. Smurf into them. Smurf their blood. Smurf them in the belly. When you put your hand into a bunch of smurf that a moment before was your best friend’s face, you’ll know what to do.
Now there’s another thing I want you to remember. I don’t want to get any messages saying that we are holding our position. We’re not holding anything. Let the other smurfs do that. We are advancing constantly and we’re not interested in holding onto anything except the enemy. We’re going to hold onto him by the smurf and we’re going to kick him in the smurf. We’re going to kick the smurf out of him all the time and we’re gonna go through him like smurf through a goose.
There’s one thing that you smurfs will be able to say when you get back home. And you may thank smurf for it. Thirty years from now when you’re sitting around your fireside with your grandsmurf on your knee and he asks you what did you do in the great Smurf War, you won’t have to say, “Well, I shoveled smurf in Louisiana.”
Alright now, you sons-of-smurfs, you know how I feel. Oh, and I will be proud to lead you wonderful smurfs into battle – anytime, anywhere.