I’ve been through some job interviews recently and have learned to dread some of the inane questions that tend to come up in job interviews.
How about, “Why did you decide to go to your college?” I’ve been out of college for over ten years. The honest answer is, “Well, I had the choice of the two large state schools 'cause my parents weren’re going to pay for private school and I didn’t want to be in debt up to my eyeballs when I graduated.” Why would my 18 year oldself’s thinking process be relevant to a job I’m applying for in my 30s?
I heard this at both Denny’s and Burger King, before I started at a real university and got a decent job. Both times I told them:
“Look, I just need a wage-slave job to pay the bills. Lets not make this place out to be more than it is. You need someone to flip burgers. I can do it.”
Q: Why did you choose this company?
A: Because I’ve always thought that fur lined database files are a revolution in data processing and your company clearly has their finger on the pulse of innovation.
In my head: Cuz you’re hiring, you dumbass!
Q: How do you deal with a difficult team member?
A: I try to determine the real source(s) of the conflict and address the issue in a professional and civil manner.
In my head: I normally corner the bastard in the parking lot and beat him without mercy until he comes around to my way of thinking.
Q: How do you address the issue of slipping delivery deadlines?
A: I assess the reasons for the slippage and outline each problem, the resolution and give the client the oppotunity to re-prioritize their requirements to minimize the impact.
In my head: If you fuckers ever got together in a room and agreed on what to order for lunch I’d die from the shock of surprise. I design smart systems for use by intelligent users - I don’t design applications for cretins to save them from themselves. How about I attach a mechanical rubber arm to the side of your monitor and have it smack you up side the head every time to hit enter to knock some sense into that dim cranium of yours.
Well hey, 10-4, good buddy! I can nail this one! Just sit right back and let me give you a ten-minute speech on exactly why I suck. Man, I’m gonna answer this question so well, there’s no way you’ll ever THINK about hiring me when I’m through.
My usual method of getting around this one is by professing an inability at a particular skill that has absolutely nothing to do with the job I’m applying for. Seriously, how many people are even aware of their biggest flaw, let alone willing to admit it to someone to whom they’re trying to look good? This question essentially boils down to “How well can you B.S. and/or dodge questions you don’t want to answer?”…and, given that this question gets asked at pretty much every interview ever, I can only assume that BSing and question dodging are considered essential skills for every job. Employers in the U.S. sure must be a cynical bunch.
Hah. I got that question for my last job. But it wasn’t burger flipping, it was a software engineer position. I said, “Gotta pay the rent.” I think the boss’s expression indicated it was the first honest answer he’d gotten all day.
Worst question, from a panel of people - “Tell us a joke”.
Halaluya.
Or, the ever popular. “I don’t like the interface, make it different. Here’s a dozen different web sites, look at them. And make some changes. But whatever you think looks good is fine . Don’t bother me with the details, I’ll let you know if I like it”
When you think about it, most of the questions are stupid. How about some fun answers?
Why do you want a job? - It’s for the paycheck you dumb shit.
Why do you want to work for us? See above.
How do you deal with difficult people? - Crush your enemies. See them driven before you. Hear the lamentation of the women.
Are you up to a challenge? - You really mean do I mind being blamed for a task you already fucked up, and do I mind getting fired later because it can’t possibly ever be saved.
How do you deal with tight schedules - Same way you do, you crooked bastard… I “slip” the schedule just enough so I can claim it was done ahead of schedule.
What is your greatest personality flaw - If it does not affect work it’s none of your damn business (and I kill and eat nosy people). Second flaw: I hate stupid people.
Why did you leave your last job - Take yer pick
The boss was an incompetent back stabbing asshole
They wanted too many hours of “donated time”
They were rewarding someone else for my work
Got tired of idiots moving up when I didn’t
The pay sucked for the effort expected
I got outsourced to Lower Slobbovia
The company got exposed in an FBI sting operation
I am Keyser Soze.
From Wednesday…
“So, if I were to call up, say, Bobby Lastname (from my reference list), what would he have to say about you?”
As if I am going to put people on my ref list that hate my guts and never want to see me get ahead.
“And what would Bobby say was your biggest flaw? What do you have trouble with?”
See above answer. Also, like I am really going to tell an interviewer that my biggest problem in the workplace is keeping my mouth shut when people act like idiots. I don’t think there is a good answer to these questions.
Why do they ask these questions? I figure when I graduate and they ask me something like ‘what is your best quality’ I can say something like ‘what does that have to do with running the chromatographer’?
“Where do you see yourself in {five, ten, fifteen} years?”
Stupid, stupid question.
My worst interview was with a horse’s ass who made me wait in the reception area for 45 minutes. He asked me what I would do if I found out I only had one year to live. I said I’d quit my job and travel. Then I asked him what he would do. He said he wouldn’t change anything about his life, that he’d keep working etc. He was a fucking commercial litigator, for God’s sake. That’s one of the worst jobs on the planet. Loser.
I was asked this a while back. Without even blinking I said, “Retired”. The lady scrunched up her face and the rest didn’t go well.
I didn’t get the job, and I’m kinda glad. It was 14 miles down a dirt road, and the next week it rained and snowed for 4 days straight and made the entire landscape a mud-bog. I drove around in it for fun, in the Jeep, but I am willing to the bet the person they hired didn’t show up.
I can walk on the water and swim on the land. The X-Ray vision can be a bitch, though - I don’t have to picture you naked to get through this interview.
What do you see as your weaknesses?
Not counting my frequent urges to reach down the throats of people who ask me stupid questions, rip out their bones one by one, and grind them into library paste to feed to inquisitive toddlers, I can be killed by enchanted spears. Mind you, they have to be thrust into precisely the right spot, otherwise I’m pretty much invulnerable.
a) I hear you have supply cabinets filled with oodles of cool stuff.
b) The boss is one hot babe, I want to explore her talents.
c) I’m terminally ill and I need some good insurance.
d) This is just a temporary thing until I can find a job I like.
Where do you see yourself in 15 years?
a) (singing) Aruba, Jamaica ooo I wanna take you, Bermuda, Bahama come on pretty mama, Key Largo, Montego baby why don’t we go
b) I’m hoping my rich uncle will die and leave me his fortune to blow.
c) Doing the same thing I have always done, work too hard for too little pay and continue to be the miserable little man I am.
d) Emperor of the free world.
What are your weaknesses?
a) I lie a lot.
b) I tend to be violent with very little provocation.
c) I have yet to win a court case against me.
d) My last three wives have died mysteriously (shrug).
When I dropped off my resume at my current job, they weren’t actually hiring, and my resume format does not include references unless specified by the hiring person, so there was no one specifically listed. When I was (surprisingly, since, like I said, they weren’t hiring at the time) called in for the interview they asked me what my immediately-previous manager would say if they called her. I told them “She’d probably say I am a troublemaker, because I once called the District Manager to inform him that she’d been having all of us employees violate company policy as a store rule.” I got the job.
