Most Cracktastic Comic Book Plots

Cafe Society
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Let’s face it: superhero comic book plots are often unrepentingly cracktastic. From the Clone Saga (who’s the real Peter Parker? Who cares! When will it end?) to Ms. Marvel being impregnated by a supervillain and then giving birth to him (yes, it’s as weird as it sounds), it seems there’s nothing too wacky, too implausible, or too defying-of-logic for a comic book writer to attempt. But a precious few rise above the rest.

I bring you… the Saga of Heike Zemo.

Baron Heinrich Zemo was a bad egg all around. He was a Nazi, killed Captain America’s boy sidekick Bucky, and generally caused pain and suffering to all and sundry. His most notable accomplishment was getting a fugly purple mask permanently adhered to his face. Finally, in Avengers #15, Heinrich got the death he so richly deserved, and got squishified in an avalanche. Couldn’t have happened to a worse Nazi.

In the Spider-Man: Fear Itself graphic novel, a curvaceous woman in a purple mask appeared, calling herself “The Baroness”. She claimed to be the reincarnation of Baron Heinrich Zemo, born again in a female body and calling herself Heike. Fair enough. While… odd, a crazed Nazi transferring his consciousness into a woman’s body was not completely bizarre*, though his apparent willingness to start dressing in lingere does bring one pause.

Then, Heike resurfaces in Captain America #431. She has apparently hooked up with, and married, Baron Helmut Zemo, the son of the original Baron Zemo. That’s right folks, Heike/Heinrich has MARRIED his/her own SON. One can only wonder what the pickup line for that one was. “I know I’m your father, but now that I have a vagina, we should have sex.” I guess if you can’t find a good man, you might as well raise one. She and Helmut had adopted several Aryan orphans whom they raised with family values and a fanatical devotion to the Zemos and the Nazi party. Heartwarming.

However, a plot twist! Heike then recants her original story, and claims NOT to be the reincarnation of Baron Heinrich Zemo after all. She also reveals herself to be an evil bizatch and breaks poor Helmut’s heart. They ended up glue-covered, the natural state of any Zemo, and afterwards Heike apparently died in prison. I am deeply thankful that Heinrich/Heike was retconned, and prefer to believe that she was telling the truth in that case. The alternative (that Heinrich Zemo married Helmut Zemo) is just too scary to contemplate and raises questions about their father/son relationship that I, personally, have no desire to go into.

So that’s my pick for Most Cracktastic Comic Book Plot of All Time. However, I’m sure there’s plenty of weird inappropriateness that I’m overlooking. I’d love to see other suggestions.

  • Another supervillain, Machinesmith, had his consciousness transferred into an android, and thereafter became the first gay robot that I am aware of.
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I’m guessing you’ve never been to Kentucky, where you can here someone refer to someone else as “Uncle Dad.”

Have you seen this page?

3

HEAR

:smack:

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“Oh, you see, that wasn’t me…that was Xorn’s twin brother, possessed by the sentient mold ‘Sublime,’ pretending to be me, pretending to be Xorn!”

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Nightcrawler and evil, amnesia-creating communion wafers.

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This is one of the funniest threads I have ever read.

The Avengers silvery, silky bomber-jackets were symptomatic of the worst of all that is bad about comics in the 90’s.

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I recall a Jimmy Olsen story, where he gets transmogrified into a Giant Lobster Jimmy. Mit claws!

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Ok, this is probably the most psychotic comic book plot of all time…but it was good. So good that if I was asked to pick the definitive run of a book, this would be my first choice by a long-shot. Does that count?

Defenders, roughly 20-41.

At this point, the Defenders were Dr. Strange, Valkyrie, Hulk (written as Superbaby with an attitude problem) and Nighthawk, plus some hangers-on.

Valkerie was, at this point, the soul of Brunhilda the Valkyrie which had been stuffed into the body of Barbara Norris, would be Cthulhu-worshipper and now mindless vegetable by The Enchantress. Got all that?

Meanwhile, in Weird Wonder Tales #7 (a book that reprinted Marvel’s late '50s horror comics–which were fairly lame) there were a bunch of stories about people who came to a nasty end.

Steve Gerber, crazed madman took the characters from that issue and made them into a group of super-villians. One had ended up with his head on a gorilla’s body, another invented a shrinking formula that worked on the bones and brains and stuff in his head…but not his skin! A third was a mystic…and I don’t remember his gimmick, but a) he was a low-grade Dr. Strange and B) he got his head placed on a sort of giant chicken/snake body later). He also added a character who had her head replaced by a big red fishbowl that could do Plastic-Man style shape-changing (She was named “Ruby Thursday”) He called the group “The Headmen”.

Anyway, that’s all just the set-up. Here’s where it gets weird.

Hulk, (who, remember was big, dumb, childlike and naturally gentle but prone to temper-tantrums at this point) rescued a fawn from some hunters. He immediately assumed it was Bambi and took it to “dumb magician’s house” to have it cared for.

Meanwhile, Valkyrie’s body’s husband was hanging around trying to get Valkyrie interested in him, figuring that Valkyrie’s body’s soul/mind was still in there. Valkyrie was not amused by this.

Anyway, the Headmen grabbed Nighthawk and removed his brain and put it in a bowl…like a salad bowl–it wasn’t sealed or anything. They took the mystic (Chondu)'s brain and put it in Nighthawk’s body.

He enters Dr. Strange’s house and is discovered like 30 seconds later. Doc is no dummy. He takes Valkyrie’s body’s husband’s mind (ie, the software, not the hardware) and puts it in Chondu’s brain in Nighthawk’s body. At the same time, he takes Chondu’s mind and puts it in the body of Bambi the fawn…who immediately becomes feral.

So, at that point the core team consisted of Dr. Strange, Hulk, Barbara Norris’s body with Brunhilda the Valkyrie’s soul/mind, and Nighthawk’s body with Chondu the Mystic’s brain imprinted with Valkyrie’s body’s husband’s mind.

Meanwhile, an elf, an elf with a GUN! was running around, apparently randomly shooting people.

And these were the sub-plots for most of those issues!

It’s great stuff but totally psychotic. And to Gerber’s credit, also completely comprehesible. He was telling a story, rather than doing the “Weirdness for the sake of weirdness” thing that Grant Morrisson occasionally indulges in.

Fenris

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: Takes a shot. :

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You recall one story like that? I’m pretty sure the writers of the Jimmy Olson comic had just one plot for every issue.

[ LINKS DELETED ]

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Jean Grey: I’m dead! No, I’m not! I’m dead! No, I’m not! I’m dead!..
…ad infinitum.

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That place has serious malware/spyware issues. :mad:

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Huh? Since when? I didn’t get anything bad from that site on either my work PC or home PC. Both have MS anti-spyware running with active scan, and both get a nightly system scan and I haven’t had anything since I started browsing there.

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Check out their comments section. they admit to having a problem. One of the rotating ads does it, & there’s nothing they can do to ditch the ad.

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Ahhh…so I guess I’m jsut lucky that I haven’t witnessed that ad.

And how can they not get rid of it? Can’t they switch to a different ad provider? I’d go read the comments to see if there’s an answer, but now you have me scared to go back there! :stuck_out_tongue:

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I’ve deleted the links, until the problem is solved.

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Whentheheckwasdis?

I thought it was the Red Skull who did that, when he blew up the plane that Bucky was strapped into or somesuch in WWII.

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Dex, can you put the URL in plaintext with sufficient warnings around it so those who are not prone to an infection can visit the site if they so choose?

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Nope. Twas Zemo the elder.

Back To The OP

Nazi scientist Arnim Zola (he’s had his brain moved into his chest for safety purposes), the Red Skull, and the Hate Monger are creating a new Cosmic Cube. Then, it is revealed that the Hate Monger is actually Adolf Hitler. Zola gave Adolf the ability to project his mind into a number of android bodies. Then, Hitler tries stealing all the power of the Cube for himself by projecting his mind into it. At that point, the Red Skull reveals that they never had the ability to make another Cube and that the whole point of this project was to trick Hitler into entering the Cube form and being trapped forever.

This story was either in The Defenders, or Marvel Two In One. Roxxon oil has found both rich untapped oil deposits and a way to make its plants the most environmentally safe on earth. Roxxon scientists have built dimensional portals. They are drilling untouched oil formations on a counter earth and piping the oil here. They transport all the pollution from their factories back to the other dimension.

Dracula’s rulership of vampires was once challenged by a disembodied Chinese brain. Dr Sun was a government scientist working on a computer project for the People’s Republic. He pissed off a supervisor and was punished by having his brain removed and placed in the computer banks. His brain was supposed to make for a better computer, as he existed as a helpless prisoner or as the computer slowly destroyed his personality. Instead, Sun controlled the computer. Besides many other adventures, Sun made great progress on drawing all of Dracula’s power into himself. Had he succeeded, Sun’s next move was to vampirize the whole world and rule as absolute monarch.

Namor, Dr Strange, and the Hulk entered another dimension to fight the mystical menace of The Unnamable One. Things proceed in normal mystic quest fashion until the final battle. Victory is gained when Strange combines his mystical and medical knowledge to permanently seal the enemy’s name inside one of the Hulk’s brain cells.

Re The Headmen

I have a few of those issues. Ruby and Shrunken Bones used their medical knowledge to alter Chondu’s body without his knowledge or permission-unicorn horn, purple skin, forked tongue, bird wings, giant chicken legs, and masses of lampreys for arms. After getting over his initial rage, Chondu attacked a construction site in order to kidnap one of the workers and transfer his mind into a normal, healthy body.

I have a Marvel comic in which one of Dr Frankenstein’s descendants manages to transfer his mind into a copy of the Silver Surfer.

In an issue of Hercules, he saves the planet Ceygram(the Ceygramites are Smurf/snail hybrids whose booze is famed throughout the universe) by slipping Galactus a mickey. The mickey fails to drop the devourer. But, Hercules ploy does make Galactus laugh. Deciding it’s been much too long since he had a good laugh, Galactus spares the planet.

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Carol Danvers (aka Ms. Marvel) was abducted into Limbo by Marcus, the son of Avengers baddie Kang. Marcus wanted to escape Limbo, so he mind-controlled Carol, impregnated her with himself (don’t ask me, I don’t pretend to know), wiped her memory, and sent her back to Earth. Once home, Carol had a big blank spot in her memory and a pregnancy that she couldn’t explain. She gestated in record time, then gave birth to Marcus, who aged to adulthood in like five minutes. Marcus then mind-controlled her into leaving with him to go off into outer space. The best part? Her Avengers teammates were all, “Oh, that’s nice Carol, go off into space with him, have fun, don’t forget to write!” as though this was a perfectly normal state of affairs.

Eventually Marcus died, and Carol figured the whole deal out, then came home and blasted her so-called “friends” for being so blase and complacent about the whole mess.

Nope, that was Baron Heinrich Zemo, as recounted in a flashback in Avengers #4. And:

It seems Bucky didn’t really die afterall, but was rescued and turned into a super-soldier, The Winter Soldier.