With trepidation, I submit the following for your consideration:
My mother-in-law wants to come on summer vacation with our family (me, my wife, and two small children). Last year we went without her and apparently she gave my wife tons of crap about it, to the point that this year my wife wants to have her along.
While I don’t have a problem with my mother-in-law per se, spending four days sharing a single hotel room and bathroom with her and two small children isn’t a prospect I relish. I would be much, much more open to the idea if we could get adjoining rooms, but I don’t think we have the budget for that.
Am I being unreasonable for really, really, really not wanting her to come? My wife will be the one to suffer if I refuse, and my mother-in-law is always complaining that as a widow, she doesn’t have opportunities for vacations (even though she has gone on cruises with her retired friends and vacations with her other kids’ families). Should I suck it up and do this for my wife’s benefit? She’s the one that really needs the vacation.
This is something between your wife and you. A bunch of stranger’s opinions aren’t going to be that really helpful in your negotiations with your wife.
If your MIL wants to come, she should at a minimum pay her own way.
I get along fine with my mother-in-law, but I’d rather stay home than share a single hotel room with her and two small children. I am fine with the idea of her coming along, and might even appreciate the help with the kids. I draw the line at the room issue. For me, non-negotiable.
I’m with everyone else; sharing a room is a no-go. If she wants to get her own room and come along, great.
Put it this way: I love my own mother and am very close to her, and it would be great if she opted to come along on a vacation with me and Mr. Athena. However, no way on earth would we be sharing a room. Absolutely a nonstarter.
Would it be more accurate to say that your wife doens’t necessarily want her mother’s company on the trip, mostly but fears receiving a ton of crap if her mother isn’t allowed to join you?
My judgment? Your mother-in-law is a piece of work for taking your wife on a guilt trip.
I’m sure when she travels with her retired friends, she doesn’t expect her friends to pay for her room. So it shouldn’t be a big deal for her to do this with ya’ll.
As far as not wanting her to come, no, you aren’t a bad person for feeling like this. I don’t even know your mother-in-law, and I wouldn’t want her to tagging along with me. I think you probably should just let her come this time since your wife isn’t putting up that much of a fight (plus she might come in handy with the kids). But you should be able to establish certain boundaries so that everyone is at least “okay” with the arrangement. Your feelings matter too.
-The room you booked is too small for an extra person, and you only have the budget for your wife and kids.
-If she comes along you’d need her to look after your kids for part of the trip so you and your wife could have alone time.
-Any other assertive requests that would have her presence being a net benefit to * you* with clear boundaries on the trip.
This is a worst case scenario. I think many Dopers will assume from the OP that the MiL will be an insufferable, needing moocher the whole time. But Maybe MiL has no problem getting her own room and paying her own way and is just bummed she didn’t get a chance to spend a fun vacation with her kids and grandkids. Or maybe she doesn’t travel much herself and a trip like this is the few opportunities she has.
If you include her, set clear boundaries and make absolutely sure you and your wife are on the same page. Drama ensues in situations like this because in the case of a manipulative relative, they will always go after the weak link to get their way.
Thanks for the feedback, everyone. It gives me a good compromise position: yes to sharing a vacation, no to sharing a toilet. (I mean, seriously, with five people we’re one bad batch of clams casino away from an ugly situation.)
I appreciate the opinions; sometimes it’s hard to tell without outside perspective whether you’re being unreasonable or not.
Yeah, both of those are correct. She is very emotionally needy, but she also just wants to go on vacation with her grand kids. I don’t want to paint too bad a picture. My MIL isn’t a monster, just annoying in that she wants to do everything together all the time with as many relatives as possible.
Unfortunately, she is a crap babysitter. We’ll be able to get one dinner alone, but that’s it.
She can’t be in your room - three adults in a hotel room isn’t vacation, its a circle of hell.
If you don’t have the budget for her, she pays her own way.
She gets the kids once in a while.
The other boundary I’d set - you invite her to SOME of your vacations. There will be vacations you want to take as a small family - it isn’t because you don’t love her, or don’t want to spend time with her, but because your wife, you and the kids need some things that are just the immediate family. Or because your sister, who your wife can only take in small doses, will invite herself along and you won’t have a good excuse if you always bring your mother in law for saying no. Whatever works. But she doesn’t get to go on every vacation with you simply by virtue of being grandma. That’s stepping from grandma territory into “my encroaching mother in law” territory.