Need tips for dealing with my MIL

In My Humble Opinion
1

I love my MIL, really I do. But she’s in her mid-80s now, and getting. . .cantankerous. I don’t begrudge her this. By the time you’re that old, you’ve earned the right, IMHO.

Here’s the deal, though. Hubby and I own both sides of a duplex. We live in one side. The other side? Some storage space, hubby has turned the smallest bedroom into his home office (he works from home at least one day a week), my oldest daughter and her bf rent out the middle bedroom on the other side, the MBR on the other side is pretty much kept for when my in-laws visit.

Now, these are not fastidious people. You ever see one of those eps of Oprah where they talk about hoarding behavior and show houses you can’t walk through because of the piles of stuff? That’s my in-laws. BUT my MIL expects every little thing in the MBR on the other side to be just like she left it. They only come a couple of nights every couple of months, it’s not like they’re here frequently (but they will be here for Thanksgiving). I swear to God, every time she’s here, all she does any more is bitch about how someone messed up something over there, and where is this, that or the other, and how come someone has to mess with her stuff, and blah, blah, blah. I’m not the only one to notice this behavior. FIL says it’s gotten to a point where he doesn’t like to bring her here anymore because all she does is carp and whine and bitch.

We’re expecting quite a bit of company for Thanksgiving. I’m going to the in-law’s room soon to try and make sure everything’s cool over there, but I’m certain she’ll be complaining about stuff.

I’ve planned ahead quite a bit, spent quite a bit of money, and would like to make this an enjoyable holiday for everyone, including myself.

Any tips on how to handle her so I don’t end up just snapping?

(I accept that copious quantities of alcohol may be the answer; I’m prepared to do that, if needs be). :wink:

So far, my plan is just to cluck sympathetically, and say “Gee, golly-gosh, Betty, no I have no idea what happened to the hand-embroidered doily your mother made; shame it’s missing; I’ll keep an eye out for it!” and smile and move on.

But if y’all have better advice, I’m listening!

2

Try to prepare yourself emotionally. Her complaints aren’t about YOU, they’re about HER. You can’t change her, you can only change how you handle your half of the interaction. You know there will be pissing & moaning. You also know (or should know) that it’s your home and you have every right to keep it as you see fit. You don’t have to apologize for ANYTHING, but clucking sympathetically and changing the subject is probably your best strategy - as long as you don’t let it eat at you. When the subject is changed, stop thinking about it, and definitely don’t second-guess your decision to clean YOUR guest room.

If she chooses to pout, complain, or anything else, that’s on her. You know it might happen, so don’t stress about it ahead of time, just accept that she might not be 100% happy, but it won’t be your fault and it has no bearing on whether or not YOU have a good holiday.

3

Keep her busy. Give her things to do. “Oh, my goodness, it would really help if you could fold the towells that have come out of the dryer.” Better yet, hand her clean sheets the minute she walks through the door and tell her that things have been so busy that you haven’t had a spare minute to put clean ones on the bed. Or, tell her that they can have the room until Tuesday, then you have other people coming to visit, so she needs to have all her stuff out by Tuesday at noon. Chop, chop, Grandma, we don’t have all day.

4

[joke]

I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My neighbor asked,
“Are you going to help?” I said “No, Six should be enough.”

[/joke]

5

“Oh, hubby! Your mom’s here! Why don’t you go out on the porch and visit with her awhile?”

6

Since I was already going to hell, it probably won’t hurt that I LOL’d at that!

Not a bad idea, but hubby won’t be home until tomorrow night around 8’ish, in-laws will probably be here by 4PM.

I like the idea of keeping her busy. I’ll start thinking of some “stuff” she can do!

valerieblaise, you’re absolutely right! I need to keep that in mind! Thanks.

7

I’m a little confused about something.

Who does the room belong to? Does she have any stake in the ownership.

Who’s belongings are in the room?

Because if the room belongs to you, it is yours to do with as you see fit.

Here are some ideas:

–If you’re referring to it as “their” room, stop. It is now “the guest room.” This will reduce her sense of ownership. “It’s a guest room, not a museum, Betty. It does get used by people other than you!”

–Brush off her complaints. Make light of them. Even laugh at them. Ask if she wants to install a velvet rope across the door. Make it very clear that you have zero intention of taking her seriously.

–Consider rearranging it or something to make it perfectly clear that it is not “her” room. Break the cycle.

–Consider letting your daughter and boyfriend use the MBR. Especially if they’ve been good “tenants.” If they’re there every night, is there some reason that they shouldn’t use the biggest room?

As long as you have a nice room for her to stay in, she has absolutely nothing to complain about. It’s really above and beyond for you to keep a room essentially unused for a bimonthly visitor.

If she does own part of the house or the belongings, it does get more complicated. If it’s just the belongings, consider doing the MBR/daughter’s room switcheroo anyway.

8

Get your husband to man up and manage his rude and unmanageable parents. That’s total bullshit to be treated like that in your own home that you’ve graciously provided to them when they visit. Sorry…she doesn’t get a pass because she’s old.

Seriously…your husband needs to back you up on this.

9

Tranquilizers in her morning coffee?

(Note, I do not actually advocate drugging people without their knowledge, consent and a valid prescription.)

10

I’m going to talk to him about this. He’s normally pretty good about supporting me on stuff, I think I just need to be clearer that I need his support on this. His mother and I have always had a good relationship, and I’m guessing he doesn’t realize how badly I need his intervention.

We’re in luck! I have a coffee maker and a valid prescription for Xanax! :wink:

Green Bean, their furnishings are in the room (well, except for one chair of mine that I love, but hubby hates, so we compromise by keeping it in a place where he never has to look at it). They brought their own linens, etc. So yeah, it is a little complicated. I like the idea of making jokes, that’s really my style. Sometimes, however, they tend to range into sarcasm, and I don’t need to actually be elevating the level of dissension!

No, my daughter and her bf can’t have the big room. They are pretty good tenants, in that they pay their rent on time. However, they trash rooms. The MBR is absolutely out of the question for them!

Thanks for the advice, all!

11

you could address her feelings without making it a big deal maybe. like, I’m sorry you’re upset, how can I help? If she feels she’s been heard and acknowledged maybe she’ll let it go and not make an issue ( or not good luck)

12

Don’t friends of your daughter and her BF come around? Tell the MIL that it’d be safest to keep her things in one special dresser or drawer that is hers and hers only. Everything else is fair game.

13

Or go the other way. If they have their furnishings and linens in the room, and they are pretty much the only ones that use it, just lock it when they leave and don’t open it again until they visit again. shrug Make it their room. Do you use it for anything else? Have a lot of guests that stay over other than them? I mean I see your point in that it’s your house, but what percentage of the stuff in the room is their stuff? Is it really that big a deal to just leave the room alone when they’re not visiting?

14

Just whom were you planning on administering that alcohol to? Her or you? (presumably either would work ;)).

No advice here, just sympathy. My in-laws were in town for our anniversary party this summer. They arrived 2 days before the party. I served them dinner that night, and planned on serving them (and other out-of-town family arriving the next day) dinner the next night.

My FIL threw a tantrum because my house wasn’t tidy enough the first night, and insisted we all dine out the next night. At a restaurant that wound up screwing up several orders, and served mediocre food. Typo Knig asked me beforehand if we should offer to pay, and I said that we absolutely would not offer to pay.

Age does not give you the right to be rude.

But I’m not bitter.

15

C. Hack her to death with a kitchen knife.

16

Just hopping in as the devil’s mother-in-law’s advocate. Is it possible she is having some difficulty with memory? Elderly people who tend to forget where they put things sometimes are very fussy because the way they cope is to always put everything in the same place, even if it means putting their doilies in the freezer and so forth. She may be acting bitchy and mean because not finding everything exactly in its place makes her anxious.

Or she might just be a bitter harridan, of course, but as a potentially ornery old bat I just thought I’d put a word in. :smiley:

17

Put a pile of stuff in there before you put her in. Ask if she would mind arranging it. Then lock the door from the outside. Padlocks and hasps are cheap, for the most part.

18

Would you like a cup of coffee dear? Norinew’s MIL didn’t seem to want more than one cup…
:smiley:

19

It sounds like some time, not this weekend, you need to have “A TALK”.

My SO and I just bought a house larger then we need, with the specific intention of having a place for my parents as they get older. Before we really even started looking, we had “The Talk”. The 4 of us agreed that while my parents were more then welcome to bring furnishings, decorations, and even work with us to remodel in a way that they like, it is first and foremost my SO and my house. It was also clearly laid out that when they are not in residence, that space is our guest space. If they don’t want to have their sheets and towels used, I’m fine with that, but please get a large chest to store everything in.

So maybe next time they visit, you can sit down and discuss terms and use of the second master bedroom. This time? Sounds like you need to stock up on wine.

20

Well, yeah, it would be kind of a big deal to keep it locked up when they’re not hear. We do let my daughter and her bf keep their clothes in the armoire in the MBR (ours is an older house with almost no closet space, and daughter and bf have no real furniture of their own). Plus, yes, other people do come to visit and use the room. One friend of mine stayed here for a couple of weeks last year and said there were fleas in that room (in-laws dog is dead now, but when they had a dog, they did bring it with them. I don’t know if there were really fleas in there or not, but my friend claimed to be highly allergic to them and be able to tell right away when something was flea-infested; he said the bed over there was flea infested, stripped the bed, put flea powder on it, vacuumed it up, washed all the linens and re-made the bed. MIL had a fit because the blankets and linens were not on the bed in the order she had left them in! And some of them (if you can imagine the horror) had been put away instead of being put back on the bed at all!!)

The thing that makes this so difficult to deal with is that when we made this agreement with my in-laws (the room is yours to use whenever you’re here; furnish it as you like, and we’ll do our best to keep it up for you), my MIL was a fairly reasonable woman. That was 11 years ago. I really do think she’s getting a little dotty.

This could very well be part of it. I’m sure she can never find anything at home, either, but since it’s just the two of them there, she can’t find anyone to bitch at about it. Here, there are lots of other people she can point the finger at!

One strategy I might try (a small white lie to help me get through the visit without resorting to hacking her to death with the kitchen knife; besides, I’ll need those knives for the holiday dinner), would be to tell her that hubby boxed up a lot of stuff when he was moving stuff around over there to make his office, and if she’ll just make me a list of what’s “missing” (because I’m not convinced everything she claims is missing was there in the first place), I’ll go through those boxes as soon as I have time, and check for them. Not right now of course, because I’m busy with Thanksgiving. . .

Well, since she takes heart medications that contraindicate drinking, I guess I’ll just have to do it myself ::heavy sigh:: :smiley: