Am I being too selfish? (Pregnancy/Family Dynamic Related)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I am having some family relations trouble, and I am hoping that turning to the dope will offer me some perspective.

First, a little background:

My relationship with my mother-in-law has always been a bit strained. She tend to be very paranoid about my motives for any decisions. While I am not crazy about her, I truly don’t have anything against her. My husband is very close with his mother, however, and the fact that we aren’t really close bothers him quite a bit.

I managed to get one thing right. We are having a girl. This is something she tried to do, unsuccessfully, three times. She is very excited, not just about the prospect of the first grandchild, but also that it is a granddaughter. Overall, the experience has been pretty good.

Now, I am about 3 weeks away from my due date and have really started thinking about plans for when the time comes. She has been very clear that they (my mother-in-law and my 15 year old brother-in-law) plan on making the three-hour drive to our house as soon as they find out I am in labor. Generally, when they come and visit, they stay at our house. It has recently occurred to me that they may be planning that for this trip, as well.

I have decided that I can’t handle having visitors staying in our house when I come home from the hospital with a new baby. I just don’t think I will have the energy to take care of guests, and I am not the type of person who can not care about them if they are there. I won’t lie. It is particularly stressful to think of having her as a guest, since I am generally very concerned with what she thinks.

I asked my husband to let her know she would have to stay in a hotel during the visit. He doesn’t understand at all. He doesn’t understand why I can’t just not care that they are there. I don’t need to be a hostess, it is just his mom, according to him. I told him it wasn’t about her (even though it is a little). They could visit with us as much as they want, I just don’t want to have to wry about guests and I want to be able to tell people they need to leave if I get over-whelmed.

It is made a little more difficult by the fact that my family lives very close to us. This is not an issue for them. I addition to that, I have no qualms asking my family to leave. They wouldn’t take it personally and they live close enough that they can just go home.

My husband didn’t understand, but he did call his mom and tell her what I wanted. He says that she was upset about it (although he won’t go into much detail) and said that she said she “felt sorry for me” if I couldn’t handle having guests at a time like that.

I guess what I am asking is, am I being too selfish? Should I just get over it and let them stay at our house. They don’t have a lot of money, and we would help cover the hotel room, but it would still cost them more financially. Maybe it won’t be bad to have them there. I have never had a child. Maybe I am over-reacting. Am I being crazy? My husband sounds like he wants her there and it would certainly make things easier for him.

I appreciate any thoughts y’all have.

2

My mother was very helpful with my wife came home with one of our daughters. Although they were never “particularly close,” they got along great on that visit, and my wife appreciated the extra help (even in the middle of the night, when everyone was exhausted). So, it really is up to you, but keep open to the possibility that having your mother-in-law around might be a good thing. (Probably important to consider if you have enough room in your house that you can still get away from it all).

3

I don’t think you’re being too selfish at all. The first few days after baby comes home are prime bonding time for mom, dad and baby. And yes, visitors are nice. Other hands to help around the house are nice. But having someone else there, all the time, all day and all night? It’s not unreasonable that the idea of that makes you a little apprehensive.

And she’s going to tell you what to do and how to do it, and probably try to take over some parts of the work. It’s much easier to cope with that sort of thing when you can say to yourself “She’ll be going back to her hotel in xx hours”, rather than “Oh my god, I’ve got another week/two weeks/month of this”

Also, who needs a 15 year old sibling hanging around the house as well when they’re trying to settle with a new baby?

4

I don’t really have any advice for you, but I’m sorry you’re in this position to have difficulty having your wishes understood. Good luck :frowning:

5

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but I do think you should reconsider. You’ll be too exhausted to care that there are guests at your house plus you may very well find that them being there has been a godsend. Any help will be greatly appreciated, I think.

I don’t have any kids but I was around with my nephew and having people around was very helpful (even at the hospital they loved the fact that I was able to act as a gopher).

And two really close friends of my wife and I had one of their mother’s around when the baby was born and they loved it. Just one extra set of hands is nice.

6

Suck it up and let them stay at your house. You’re a new momma, so if you get overwhelmed, go to bed/bathtub and let them deal with baby…which they will enjoy doing anyway. They will not be expecting you to play perfect little hostess.

This is a stupid fight, and definitely not a hill to die on.

7

While I sympathize with you, I don’t see how you are going to win this one. Is she coming to help with the baby or to visit? If she’s coming to help and now she knows that you feel overwhelmed, then this is an opportunity for you to start treating her as family instead of a guest. Radical idea: is there any way they could stay with your family?

8

You are the mom adjusting to life with a new baby. You - and your husband - (but you’ll be the one recovering from labor/surgery and doing most of the care and feeding so you get the deciding vote) decide who you want in your house and for how long, end of story.

9

I definitely appreciate this point of view and the possibility is part of what makes me so unsure. I don’t really think that we will suddenly get along famously, but the possibility is what makes me think I might be over-reacting, so thanks for giving me an example.

This is EXACTLY what I am afraid of, and I think, a much more likely scenario then for us to suddenly get along.

I actually get along pretty well with the 15 year old sib, but I still don’t really want him sleeping on the couch and playing video games in the living room all night while we are trying to settle.

Thank you!

10

I feel I should clarify. I am not concerned about them visiting to help. I will have no shortage of people who are willing to help with my family and my husbands family around. I just don’t want anyone staying with us. I want to be able to ask people to leave. I guess, from my point of view, if they have a hotel room they can stay as long as we both like the situation, by having the ability to ask them for alone time seems like it might be a good thing.

Unfortunately, none of my family has a place that would be big enough for them to stay.

11

Which is pretty much my point. Whether you get along with him or not (and it’s cool that you do), he’s a 15 year-old, stuck in a place that’s not his home (so he can’t go hang with his friends), while everyone else is going goo-goo over a new baby. He may be interested in the baby, but it’s unlikely he’s going to be as into it as everyone else, or for as long as anyone else and it’s not going to be a joyful time for him or you if he’s just stuck in the living room playing games and crashing on the couch.

12

Fuck no.

Your body, your baby, your house.

If you didn’t want them there at all, they can get the fuck over it and stay home. If they don’t like it, tough noogies, they can go have a baby their own damn selves.

On a slightly less aggressive note, consider these two scenarios:

  1. You agreed to let them stay at your house, even though you feel uncomfortable with the idea. You’re in labor forever, you get home exhausted and overwhelmed, and MiL meets you at the door with the info that you’ve swaddled the baby the wrong way, and that they spent all afternoon making food for you, which stunk up the house and now you feel like throwing up because of the smell. At this point, sending them to a hotel would require a huge freakout and more hurt feelings all around, as well as taking more of your energy than you can afford.

  2. You agreed to them staying at a hotel, and they’re going to come visit you a few hours after you get home. You get home, get settled, they come by and have a nice visit, and even though MiL has a lot of opinions about baby care, she seems really infatuated with the new girlie. You think - hmmm, I need some sleep, she wants to feed the baby, we could work something out - and ask her to stay the night after all. She’s thrilled (and feels secretly vindicated) FiL gets to go back to the hotel and actually sleep the night through with 15 year old kid, neither of whom are remotely interested in seeing how many times your new baby will cry during the night, and you get help on your own terms.

  3. You have them staying at a hotel, and you’re not able to let them come over for the first days at all because of complications and stress from the hospital trip. Instead of worrying about them and what they’re doing in their rooms (or you being sequestered into your bedroom, hiding from them in the rest of your house) you’re free to go where you like knowing that they are in a hotel and can amuse themselves until you get to a point where they can come over and help or visit.

Your body, your kid, your house. You’re allowed to be selfish - you’re having a baby. If MiL can’t get over her sense of entitlement to your personal space, then she needs to get a life.

13

You should do what makes you the most comfortable. It is a difficult transition. Some women don’t allow any visitors at all for several days, I’ve heard.

I don’t think your request is unreasonable. I was in a lot of pain after giving birth and did not get out of a nightgown for several days. I had a spinal headache on top of normal birthing pain. I had zero interest in company that lasted longer than an hour at a time. I slept when my son slept and was a mess otherwise. I wanted no one’s help that wasn’t my (now ex) husband. I breast fed, and I had no desire for his mother (or anyone else) to see that.

Luckily, he supported me in all my idiosyncratic antisocialness during that period. It didn’t last terribly long. It was one of the few things he ever did right.

14

Honestly, this is the best case scenario I was envisioning when I originally decided I didn’t want her staying here (other then the FiL bit since he and MiL are VERY bitterly divorced).

15

Personally, I’d take her at her word, let her stay at your house, and put her to work. Let her bond with her granddaughter, let her dress the baby up in little pink clothes, and change diapers that don’t involve little fire hoses, and rock and snuggle her to her heart’s content. (While you get some sleep! :slight_smile: If you let her develop a caregiver relationship with the baby early on, she’ll be a perfect spare babysitter to leave her with when you and your hubby want a weekend to yourselves. (If you want some truly selfish and self-serving thoughts - there ya go!)

You might find that relaxing your stance just a little bit with the mother-in-law, and treating her like a good friend, even if you don’t really FEEL it, might greatly improve your relationship with her in the long run. You’ve just got to let your guard down a little bit and not worry about being the perfect hostess for a few days. (Which is difficult, I know, but probably worth the effort.)

New baby, time to turn over a new leaf; time to give the mother-in-law another chance. I really don’t think you’d be sorry. And even if it sucks donkey balls, worst-case scenario, it’s only a few days. Anyone, even someone that has a new baby, can put up with guests they’re not crazy about, for a few days. Especially if it will significantly contribute to future family harmony.

That’s just my take on it, YMMV.

16

You are being mildly selfish. Not a queen-bitch diva, but a little selfish, yes. It’s your husband’s home as much as yours, and he has every right to have his mother stay there.

If you think you’re going to have issues with your MiL telling you what to do, then ask your husband to help you with that, but imperiously telling him he can’t have his own mother stay in his own home is going too far.

I would suggest just laying ground rules with your husband for how you will need them to behave when they’re there. You also shouldn’t think of them as “guest.” They aren’t there to be entertained, but to help. You have to think of your husband’s mom the same way you would think of your own.

You will probably be grateful for the extra help in the long run.

17

It’s her husband’s house and baby too.

18

I am not a parent and I don’t know shit but I’ll throw my 2 cents in.

It’s your first kid. Husband’s first kid. You guys need some time to figure out what “us 3 as a family” means. The time to figure that out is right away.

Your permanent family routine is not going to involve granny or uncle teenager, so they shouldn’t be around while you are deciding on your family routine.

If I was recovering from a major procedure (birth must be a major procedure) and trying to deal with a new baby, I would not want to have to find myself having to consider other people’s sleeping/waking schedules, bathroom schedules, tv habits, eating schedules, etc. I can barely handle dealing with that sort of thing now while not recovering from anything.

I strongly suggest not having your family over right away, either. Really make it about the 3 of you for a bit.

In 4 days, a week, whatever - everyone can descend upon your house and help feed junior, cook for you, etc. But if it were me, I would definitely declare your house a no-guest zone for a short while.

19

I went through this exact scenario 5 years ago, except insert me into your husband’s role. You are not overreacting – the anxiety around having to care for a new human being is intense, and other people forget how dreadful and frightening that feeling is. Even my wife and I, 3 kids later, look back and can’t figure out why we made such a fuss. My parents were hurt at the time, but they got over it. Your in-laws will too.

20

I don’t know about anyone else, but I am psychologically incapable of just ignoring visitors and sleeping while there are extra people in the house. Plus, the notion of anyone else coming in to cook and clean for me makes me itch. Even after an amazingly easy labor and delivery, and even though I love my in-laws to death, houseguests were the last thing I wanted when my last one was born. I don’t think your position is selfish or unreasonable.

(And don’t forget that your hormones are gonna be tap dancing all over your psyche during those first couple of weeks post-partum, so adding stress to the situation isn’t a great idea. Your husband needs to back you up here, without implying to his mom that YOU are the villain. “We want time to ourselves to learn to be a new family” is a perfectly neutral statement.)