I wouldn’t want anyone staying at my house the first week or so whether they were helping or not. You’re not being selfish by not wanting that, no matter what the men on the board seem to think. Can your parents put them up in their place to help you out?
I see nothing wrong with asking them to stay at a hotel. In addition to just being able to relax completely, you’ll be bleeding constantly (TMI - it’s smelly too!), you’ll be emotionally exhausted, have night sweats, fear of looking like an incompetent parent, be unable to talk freely to your husband about the amazing, scary and wonderful thing that just happened, etc.
I have been with my husband for over 15 years, and I am still only about 40% comfortable with them. There’s no drama or anything - we’re just very different types of people. Even as helpful as they might have been, having them in my face 24/7 right when we got home would have been a subtle torture.
I’d ask them to stay in a hotel now, and then invite them back to stay at your house in a few months - maybe a holiday visit.
You’re not being selfish - there’s no reason why you should have to put up with extra stress at this time. A considerate mother-in-law would understand that.
I totally empathize, OP. I know I would have hated having my MIL staying with us after I had my babies. A newborn is stressful enough without throwing “build a better relationship with my mother-in-law” into the mix.
What about some sort of compromise? Three hours isn’t that long a drive. Maybe they can come briefly for the actual birth, hospital visit, etc. And stay in a hotel that night. Then they can come back a week or two later for a longer visit, after you’ve had some time to recover from the delivery and adjust to your new life. Even then, you can declare your bedroom a mommy, daddy, and baby only zone–a place for you to retreat when you need to.
You’re not being selfish. Happy Mama, happy baby.
Also, and sounds like he’s already there, but make sure your husband understands that it’s his job to act as a buffer between you and your MIL. He should be your advocate, especially at a time like this.
The time for “figuring out what our family means” needs to happen before the kid is born.
Really? You understand the dynamics of three people existing together before one of them is even born? Impressive.
Dude, are you kidding? Anyone who expects you to give birth for the first time, bring home a new baby, and simultaneously have guests that you did not personally beg to come stay with you in order to help out is crazy. Brand new mommies get whatever they want, within reason, and this is well within reason.
Your MIL can come over, clean things, snuggle the baby, let you nap, and then go away when you get overwhelmed. Which you will.
I’m having trouble seeing how anyone can think someone wanting time alone with her husband and brand new baby, whilst she’s recovering from what is still a relatively major medical procedure - even if it all goes according to plan and the baby slips out like she’s coming off a waterslide - is being “selfish”
No, but you better figure out what the fuck it all “means” before the kids come home, and you need to have your eventual “routine” already game planned.
A lot of it comes with just doing it anyway (a lot of it you can’t really plan for), and those first few days are totally unlike what the eventual routine will be anyway.
I also stand by my point that she isn’t the only person with authority over this home or this baby.
It’s selfish to the extent that it disenfranchises her husband from being able to invite his own mother to his own house to help with his own baby.
If the genders were reversed here, this thread would be going a lot differently.
But they WERE invited. By her husband,
Too bad - if one of the people involved, particularly the one who just had a major medical procedure, doesn’t want live-in company, tough shit for the company. Are you really saying her husband has veto power over her?
But she’s not saying that. She’s not saying “Your mother can’t come over at all”. She’s saying “Can your mother please stay in a hotel, so she and your brother aren’t underfoot all the time, so if I or the baby get stressed and need time out, they’ve got somewhere else to stay”. Which IMHO is a perfectly reasonable request to make in the wake of just coming home from hospital with a brand new baby.
[ETA]: Not to forget, and pray to whatever power you believe in that it all goes well, but nobody knows how the birth is going to go until it actually happens. Better that the lines are drawn now, saying “You can come around and visit but here’s a hotel room for you to go back to sleep in, so we can have peace at night” rather than the assumption that it’ll all be fine for MIL and BIL to stay in the house, only to then need to kick them out at the last second, because Chipmunk needs more recovery time than anticipated.
She actually invited herself, rather then being invited, but that is not really my point, here. I appreciate that you think you understand the dynamics of my husband and my relationship from one thread, but you are wrong. I do understand that it is also my husband’s house. That is why I asked the question in the first place.
I really appreciate all your replies. I am feeling much better about what I am asking for. I am happy for them to visit, but feeling much better about having some space.
She’s not being refused entry to the house. She’s being asked not to live there for a week while she visits, they are very different things.
Note the part were I said “that YOU did not personally beg”–as in, SHE has to be the one who wants the guests.
Mom is the one who gives birth and does nursing and generally turns herself into a baby-nurturing being for a while. Mom gets to call the shots for the first few days.
It sounds like she just really wants to be a part of it all, and it’s hard to blame her for that, she probably has no idea she’s being intrusive. You certainly do deserve some alone time with your child and husband right after the birth though, any chance you can deputize your own mom to handle her while she’s visiting? A trusted person between what you need and what she wants could be really helpful.
It’s amazing what goobers some family members become around a new baby. One thing I found quite shocking was the number of distant family members who expected to be allowed to watch me breast feed. I would go off into a bedroom with the baby and they would just walk right in, take a seat and stare at me like I was the TV. Then after a few minutes my mom or my brother would come in and wrangle them back out of the room. It really helped to have that buffer.
Also congratulations!
You are going to have just experienced an exhausting major medical procedure, followed by the introduction and addition to your life of a brand new human being, creating major changes in your relationship with yourself, your partner, and this new human being. Any person who would insist on staying in the physical space where that is taking place is a narcissistic douchebag.
She’s the one trying to veto him.
There’s no vetoing going on according to her, she MiL invited herself to stay at the home, Nefarious does not feel comfortable with that plan, and has offered the compromise of MiL staying at a nearby hotel during this time. I’m confused as to why you think this is some massive trampling of husbandly rights because she doesn’t want guests over right after she gives birth to her first child.