Mother's day - what would you do?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Dad wants to have a BBQ tomorrow, and mom would prefer to get together with her kids one on one. She has disliked these BBQ’s for years because she is the one to clean the house, buy and cook the side dishes and desserts, etc. My sister and I always offer to help, but every year she refuses and just deals with it herself.

A little background; from what I’ve been told, dad was a tyrant when my older three siblings were young. I’m the youngest, and he’s definitely difficult at times but we get along fine for the most part. Many of the family parties consist of most of us trying to have a good time, but waiting for enough time to go by so that we can all leave. Don’t get me wrong - I love my parents and we get together often. I have absolutely nothing in common with my aunt, SIL’s and niece. My brothers are good guys, but again, we have little in common anymore. Two of them like to drug and drink, smoke and party. I’m about as straight of an arrow as you can find. The other one is very type-A and I get the feeling a lot of the time that he merely tolerates me.

I asked mom what she wants to do, and she said she wanted to skip the BBQ. My sister and I made plans to get together with mom next weekend to hang out and do the things mom likes best. Our brother was glad to hear that we weren’t going to BBQ (my sister called him and told him what was up), and planned to stop by today to see mom and drop off some flowers for her garden. My other brother unknowingly called my parent’s house today, dad answered the phone, and told him that there was going to be a BBQ and to come on over.

Mom caved in because she doesn’t want to deal with days (or weeks) of crap from dad about why she doesn’t want to get together with her children, guilt, guilt, guilt, and so on.

To complicate things, he is showing signs of being in the early stages of dementia. His biggest fear is that he will forget who all of us are eventually. It’s becoming more important to him to see his kids as much as possible. How much his kids want to see him is another story; you can’t go back in time and fix what was said and done in the past.

So, now what? I would really prefer to stick with my original plans on this one and hang out with mom next weekend, just as she wants it. Mom called today and invited me to the BBQ. She was very subdued and is not too happy right now, but this is the easiest route for her so she caved in.

2

Since she’s already caved, don’t offer to help. Show up and help. Clean whatever needs cleaning, and stay to clean up afterwards. Then kidnap her the next weekend and do what you’d had in mind for Mother’s Day.

That’s what I would do.

3

I think there’s a lot more going on with your parents than whether or not your mom wants a BBQ. This is a symptom of a larger problem. Can you take your mom out for lunch at a later time, just the two of you? Mother’s Day is just a date on the calender…you can do “mother’s day” any day you wish.

4

Is there any way that one of you siblings could host this BBQ at a different location? Y’all handle all the details and tell Mom she isn’t to lift a finger.

Maybe too late for tomorrow, but you could do this next year.

I also agree with ivylass, Dad’s behavior leaves a lot to be desired.

5

OK, too late for this year, except to call Mom and tell her that you’ll be bringing the potato salad or cole slaw or whatever. BELIEVE me, she’ll appreciate it. Especially if you show up early and tell her that you’ll be cleaning up before and afterwards. Bonus points if you can convince your sibs to clean up and bring a dish too.

Tell Dad that he can have BBQs on Father’s Day. Next April, remind him that Mother’s Day is for what MOM wants, not what Dad wants, and he can have a BBQ on Father’s Day again.

I hate going out to eat on Mother’s Day. Yesterday, I asked my husband to take me out for BBQ, and I said that this would count as my Mother’s Day meal. He still has to get me chocolates, though. :smiley: I love BBQ, and grilled meals, and in fact I hope that Bill will grill a couple of pork chops tomorrow.

Dementia is a terrible, horrible thing to deal with. My mother has it. She is slowly dying, not physically so much as mentally. You have my sympathies.

6

Thank you all for the advice. Sounds like I will be going to a BBQ!

7

Me too. If you want to help, don’t make it an offer, because she might feel obliged to refuse it for whatever reason. Just help. If she seems upset by your helping you can stop, obviously, but I bet you’ll spare at least some of the work before she objects.

And as Beadalin says, you can still do what she wanted on a different day soon.

8

Next year well ahead of Mother’s Day make it known that you siblings will be doing Mother’s Day. Tell dad everything is planned and taken care of, and he had better not try to do a counter Mother’s Day plan.

This year you can clean up the stuff and let mom get out of it. I bet she’s the type of person though that can’t stop and still cleans when you are all cleaning up the mess.:wink:

9

My sister called. She talked to mom yesterday afternoon and mom started crying, she was so stressed. Dad has always been controlling, but now he doesn’t want mom to go anywhere or do anything without him. When she works (church secretary a mile from their house) he sometimes shows up to hang out and see what she’s up to. He has been volunteering at the church a lot since she got that job, and is active in the men’s club.

Meanwhile, mom just wants her space away from him. Due to things that have happened in the past, she loves him but is not in love anymore. He loves her deeply, but is a tyrant and yells, has serious issues with money, and is determined to control and micro-manage her. It’s a stressful environment that she wants to escape as much as possible.

Instead of talking things out (mom says it would just make things worse and he would misunderstand everything she says), she takes the passive-aggressive approach and goes out as much as possible with my sister, me, her bridge club, and friends. Sometimes my parents and sister go up north, then the ladies go to the casino or shopping and leave dad at the house. He has arthritis and can’t keep up. This happens a lot.

Another thing; my sister is unmarried and doesn’t have kids, so she and mom spend a lot of time together. My husband and I are often puzzled about the whole up north thing. Why would my sister participate in this stuff? Why wouldn’t she just step aside once in a while so that mom and dad could go up north by themselves?

The only problem with that theory is that when mom and dad do go up north, mom is bored and unhappy. At least when my sister goes she has fun, but dad feels left out and unhappy.

His emotions are starting to be all over the place. I wonder if that is part of the dementia. Does anyone know? At any rate, he is angry more often lately. I’m going to talk to my brothers about spending more time with dad asap so mom gets some worry-free time away from him. I already talked to my husband, and we’re going to spend at least every other Friday with dad. My husband has been cut down to four days a week at work so we have the time right now. We got together with him last Friday and then I cooked dinner for my parents.

If anyone has been through this with their folks, any advice is appreciated.

10

I think it’s time that you and your siblings had a talk with Dad’s doctor. Many of these personality changes are signs of progressive Alzheimers. Your mom needs some relief, poor thing.

11

Time for professional help. They need to see a physician dealing with age related deterioration. Counciling for your mother may be in order. A person can have severe personality changes from what they were, and sometimes it becomes unsafe for the spouse to live with them.

12

My mom can barely tolerate my dad any more. She will go away for weeks at a time just to get away from him. It makes me sad, not that she does this, but that they (she) didn’t have the guts to get divorced 20+ years ago like she wanted to.

13

Well, it was tolerable. Dad and I just left each other alone, but just before I left he did apologize. “It’s really your mother I was angry at.” WTH?

Mom has a lot to deal with right now, that’s for sure. We’re going to go over there Friday and hang out with dad. I’ll cook dinner and have it ready when mom gets home from work. We’ll try to get him out and about during the day and wear him out a little; that way, if mom wants to go out Saturday afternoon maybe he won’t give her any trouble.