Movie Review Thread (Possible spoilers)

Cafe Society
1

Seen a movie? Want to spread the good word, or warn others of the pain? Post the reviews here! I just ask that you please follow a few simple rules:

  1. Don’t flame anyone in this thread. If you disagree with what someone said, write your own review of the movie, or take them to task in the pit. Please leave the squabbeling out of this thread. Insulting the movies themselves is fine, but insulting Poster#345224533 is unacceptable. Don’t make me throw you out by the scruff of your neck.
  2. See Rule #1
  3. Please post IMDB links, where applicable.
  4. No porn please!!! NC-17 films are fine, but Debbie Does Dallas or Debbie Does Her Taxes are big no-nos.
  5. Post all the spoilers you want, just warn people ahead of time.
  6. I am subject to these rules as well, if i call Poster#345224533 a jerk, I’ll be kicked out as well. I will also be adding to this list even if everyone else shuns it, and begs me not to, saying such things as “a dead weasel has better opinions than you”, or “I’d rather watch Manos than any film you recommend!”
  7. I retain the right to add more rules if problems develop.
    Okay, and now it’s time for the show!!!
    Shaolin Dolemite Link
    Starring Rudy Ray Moore, Jimmy Lynch, and a plethera of Kung Fu Actors.

The greatest Blacksploitation/Kung Fu movie ever made (of what, three?)!!! Rudy Ray and Robert Tai write a great Kung Fu spoof. Robert Tai edited his older Ninja: The Final Duel into this, with Rudy appearing once every half hour or so. He’s in it ten minutes, tops, with a completely different camera used on him (a much better one) The evil Twopac (!) of the Wutang Clan (!)(yes, i know where the name comes from, but that is not why it is used here!) is out to conquor the world. Only the Dolemite clan can stop him, lead by monk Ru-Dee with the help of Davy Crockett (!!!) and the Lost Tribe of Shabazz (white guys, yes, white guys!) Don’t miss the Dolby Stereo Death Bell, or whatever it was called. Ninja Ho and the ridiculus dubbing add to the zaniness of this Hobo’s stew of badness, making it one of my favorite (so bad, it’s Great!) movies. Also contains some of the worst puns in recorded history. Rating: 9/10 (As fun movie) 2/10 (As a quality movie.
My Lucky Stars aka Fuk sing go jiu
Starring Jackie Chan, Sammo Hung, Biao Yuen, and Richard Ng

Neat older Jackie Chan flick, one of director Sammo Hung’s earlier films. Jackie is a Hong Kong cop who trails a dirty cop to Japan, where Chan’s partner is kidnapped. Knowing that all other HK cops will be recognizes, he calls in the help of his old gang from the orphanage. After some good old fashioned Sexual Harassment, the group make it to Japan for their battle with Ninjas. This film introduced me to the concept of Spanish Fly poker, which is when you deal out cards, and wait for a fly to land on someone’s cards, that person is the winner. Not Jackie’s best, but still good for a laugh and Kung Fu-ery. Rating: 6/10
Do or Die link
Starring: Pat Morita, Erik Estrada, a gaggle of playmates.

Standard Andy Sidaris Naked Women and guns movie. Two women i believe were former playmates are some sort of Federal Agents being hunted by six teams of assassins sent by Hawaiian Gangster Pat Morita (Wax on, or i feed you to the fishes!). Thrill as a dart kept in a boot turns a helicopter into a flaming wreck! Be dazzeled by “actors” who can’t act their way out of a paper bag, but somehow manage to act their clothes off. Your spirit will soar as you see the comp displays that are really a paper map poster with a blinking red light behind it. At least the Asian chick is naked. Rating 3/10 (for the nakedness, only)
[sub]yes, this is post 1000, i am now a board god, kneel before my power![/sub]

2

The Big Sleep

Starring Humphrey Bogart, Lauren Bacall

Tough guy detective movie, considered a classic by many. Bogart is hired for what is said to be a simple blackmail case, but turns into a comlecated web or murder, lies, gangsters, and women. Bogart delivers excellent tough guy lines throughout the movie. A favorite of mine being “Such a lot of guns around town and so few brains” Bacall, Bogart’s wife, is the daughter of the General who hired him. Everyone is caught up in the mystery at some level, and the bodies pile high by the end of the film. Great film for Detective fans. Rating: 8/10
Treasure of the Sierra Madre

Starring: Humphrey Bogart, Walter Houston, Tim Holt.

Fred C. Dobbs (Bogart) is a down and out Gringo in Tampica, Mexico, forced to beg passing americans for money to buy food. The only work that Dobbs and his friend Bob Curtin (Holt) can find turns out to be a scam. While staying in the dumps, they hear an old time prospecter, Howard (Houston), give a speach about gold, and how it changes men’s hearts. After initially dismissing the prospector, Dobbs and Curtin decide to go looking for gold themselves, and convince Howard to join them. After a long trek to the mountains, our heroes brave bandits, heat, and exhaution. Finally, they set up a mining operation and begin to get their payout. But as the gold piles up, so do the feelings of mistrust between the trio, especially with Dobbs. The arrival of a fourth person and Mexican bandits (including the famous “I don’t have to show you any stinking badges” line) add to the corruption occuring in the hearts of the men. Dobbs starts to see everyone working against him, and the fruits of his greed and paranoia are bitter. The only problem with this film was the constant referral to tigers in Mexico. Besides that 9/10
**Fantasy Mission Force** AKA Mai nei dak gung dui
Starring: Jackie Chan, Brigitte Lin,

So you want to see a movie with Rocky, James Bond, Abe Lincoln, Robert Frost, and Jackie Chan? Well, here you go!!! Japanese Nazis have captured General Abe Lincoln and General Robert Frost in Canada (?!?) either in WW2 or modern day, i couldn’t tell. Since Rocky and James Bond are busy, a Chinese general puts together a commando team consisting of a tough guy, an old west gunslinger, Asian Benny Hill and his CO, the tough guy’s girl, and a prison escapee. The movie then jumps from movie type to movie type as the plot progresses, We have Raiders of the Lost Ark drinking games, a musical with the Gunslinger throwing cash around, Jackie Chan being Buggs Bunny in a wresteling match. After the group is on it’s way,Amazon’s attack them (led by Tuxedo Mask from Sailor Moon) with colored toilet paper, then the movie turns into aHaunted House/Scooby Doo Mystery, Finally our heroes reach the Japanese Nazi Camp, but all the Japanese Nazis are dead, killed by their treacherous commander and a Road Warrior gang out of Mad Max, that ride junk cars like horses. The cars are spraypainted with crosses, swazticas, and the star of David. So there is a big shoot out with our heroes in the end. Too Bad Jackie Chan is only in this movie for 15 minutes total, would have made it a better movie. But if you want a movie so insane that it should be locked up in Bedlam, Fantasy Mission Force is your keeper! Rating 2/10 (quality), 10/10 (fun)

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[a href=“http://www.imdb.com/?0097858”]Meet the Feebles[/a]
Directed by: Peter Jackson (yes, that Peter Jackson)

One of the cult classics of the last twenty years, “Meet the Feebles” shows why Peter Jackson is the master of dark comedy. Or should I say “twisted” comedy?

Behind the scenes at their Muppet-esque television show, the Feebles cast is embroiled in a web of sin and deception. A tangled web of deceit surrounding an adulterous puppet affair drives the main plot, as Heidi Hippo discovers that her husband the walrus is involved in a love tryst. Against this backdrop we’re exposed to a disturbing world of AIDS, heroin addiction, sexual exploitation, and cockroach BDSM.

You would expect this to be a horrible movie. It is pretty ridiculous, but it was well-designed. The dark feel of the movie is developed by lighting and staging that must have been intentional rather than sloppy, judging from Jackson’s other films. Unlike the MST3K variety of B-movies, there is a central plot thread driving the film towards its climax. This may be one of the most watchable B-movies ever made.

And there’s something you gotta love about a puppet singing a musical salute to…well, I’d rather not spoil it.

My rating: 7/10

4

For Y’ur Height Only
Starring: Weng Wang (seriously)

Weng is agent 00, the greatest spy in the Phillipines, out to topple the drug running empire of Mr. Giant. He’s also a midget.
Features the all time classic line from the bad guy- “that little wang’s gonna put us out of business.” Quite possibly the funniest movie ever.

Zeder
A writer buys a used typewriter, and finds a disturbing message on the old ribbon. This leads to the discovery of a scientist creating Zombies.
It’s kind of slow paced for a zombie movie, but the story is fascinating and it has the best possible ending for a zombie movie.

Ginger Snaps
Ginger and Brigitte don’t want to be like other girls, the sisters have a morbid fascination with death and hate their silly peers. One night, Ginger is bitten by the beast of bailey downs- a dog eating creature terrorising their neighborhood. That same night, she gets her first period.
Are the physical changes she’s going through normal, or is she becoming a werewolf?
Ignore the cheesy ass video cover, the movie is actually very good.

5

Hmmm…looks like this is turning into a B-movie thread. I don’t think Tars intended to limit the topic this way. That said, here’s…

Dead/Alive
(a.k.a. Braindead, it’s title released in New Zealand)
Director: Peter Jackson

Dead/Alive is no-doubt-about-it, hands-down the greatest zombie movie ever made. It is possibly the second greatest horror/gore flick ever, behind only Evil Dead 2.

Somewhere in the Pacific, on Skull Island, a zoologist discovers a rare specimen known as a “rat monkey”. Of course, such a rare specimen must immediately be transported back to the New Zealand zoo. With that maneuver, the research project quickly joins the ranks of such other shipping disasters as the dead photographer’s coffin in Arachnophobia. This tragedy allows the “rat monkey” to become even more dangerous, as he now poses a threat to English-speaking people rather than just some stupid natives whose island is now rid of the thing. How very unfortunate for all involved.

Enter Lionel, wussy mama’s boy extrodanaire. On a trip to the zoo with his dear mum, said dear mum suffers the bite of the “rat monkey”. Naturally, the bite of the “rat monkey” transforms people into zombies. If you’re a zombie, pretty much the best thing you can do is bite people and turn them into zombies. Between doing that, you can eat small household pets and then regurgitate them at the dinner table. Despite the best efforts of the local Kung Fu clergyman, Lionel’s mum quickly assembles a nice list of victims for her nancy-boy son to hide away, preventing discovery of his mum’s zombie nature.

The film climaxes in what is undoubtedly the bloodiest, goriest, most hilariously disgusting scene of slaughter ever to find its way onto a strip of film. Rumour when the film was newly arrived in the States was that the climactic scene had been so gory that some countries had to edit the film and release it under a different name, thus the title change. What Bruce Campbell does in ED2 with items from the workshed is paltry compared to the destructive power of a popular gardening tool featured in this bloodbath.

Once again, Jackson has directed one of the most watchable B-movies ever. He has a real knack for turning banal subject matter into a well-constructed plot. Dead/Alive is probably better lit than any other Jackson film. In the shots of the New Zealand countryside we see the beginnings of the camera’s love for that land that is pervasively present in the opening scenes of Fellowship of the Ring. As one of the all-time bests in its genre, with the typical Peter Jackson twist, this is a must-see.

My rating: 9/10

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Wild Zero
starring: Guitar Wolf
Japanese punk rockers vs. zombies and aliens. Very goofy, and extremely entertaining.
Ace is a Guitar Wolf fan, he meets his heroes after they have an “altercation” with a club owner and fight some zombies. Guitar Wolf, the leader of the band (the other members are Bass Wolf and Drum Wolf) tells ace that the band will show up to help him if he yells. Ace meets the girl of his dreams, then has a run in with some gun runners and more zombies. He then finds out that the girl of his dreams isn’t what she seems, says Guitar Wolf “Love has no boundaries, race or gender. Rock and Roll!!”
Mayhem ensues.

The Sore Losers
Featuring: Guitar Wolf (rock and roll!!)

an alien whose job on earth 30 years ago was to kill hippies is sent back to finish the job. He is being followed by the Men in Black (Guitar Wolf), and hooks up with a couple of strippers and another serial killer. At one point, an angel revives him with a can of Schlitz Malt Liquor!
Very cheaply shot, without much of a plot but it has excellent low budget effects and cinematography, as well as a very good punk-rockabilly soundtrack.

Shock! Shock! Shock!
featuring: Allan Rickman (seriously)

(I’ll just cut-n-paste my review from IMDB, since it’s the only write up there…)Really odd movie starts out as a slasher flick then turns into a Ultra Man style super hero thing with great punk-pop tunes by a (on screen) band that reminds me of Shonen Knife and the Monkees. The special effects are really cheesy, the super hero has ping pong ball eyes and shoots laser beams which are indicated by scratching the film negative.

In short- really bad special effects, really great music, and a plot that veers wildly from genre to genre without treating it as a joke.

Arizona Dream
starring: Johnny Depp, Jerry Lewis, Faye Dunaway…

Very surreal comedy. Overly long, but with some beautiful imagery and quite a few wildly funny moments. The scene where Lilly Taylor attempts suicide by hanging herself with pantyhose only to bounce back and forth is hilarious. The sequence with the Eskimo and the fish is actually quite haunting. I would actually compare it with O Lucky Man, another favorite of mine.

7

I’d just counter with more classic movie reviews, but as i didn’t get to any last night, i’ll have to review more B movies… :wink:
How to Irritate People

Starring John Cleese, Graham Chapman, Michael Palin

Series of Sketches dealing with how to irritate people but not drive them to violence against you. Skits involve parents, old ladies from quiz shows, how to be annoying by being considerate, Insincerity, and using your job to annoy. The best skits are the airline pilots and the mechanic, but overall, this is not as good as Real Monty Python. More of a Python Lite. 5/10

**Reborn From Hell: Samurai Armageddon** aka Makai tensho: The Armegeddon

Starring Tomoro Taguchi, Hiroyuki Watanabe

Want a movie that doesn’t have a conclusion, but just stops in the middle? Reborn from Hell is your man! An evil Sorceror is ressurecting Zombie Samurai to help hm conquor the world, including the father of our hero. To meet this end, they require virgin sacrfices for each zombie raised. Contains a disturbing scene with a large nosed gold mask and two women (well, not that disturbing, actually…). Unfortunately, the movie stops after two or three of the zombies are rekilled. I did see a sequal in the DVD racks at the video store, but i can’t find it on the IMDB. No surprise, as this one wasn’t listed for a few months either! All in all, go for a ninja/gore/naked asian chicks movie, but not much else. 3/10 quality 7/10 fun
**Night of 1000 cats** aka La Noche de los mil gatos

Starring: No One!!! (and 6 cats)
This movie should be called Night of 1000 Hours of Helicopter Scenes. If you want to see some sick guy spend twenty minutes flying a helicopter, then somehow seducing a woman (or women? couldn’t tell) by buzzing around her house and stalking her, then maybe you would like this video disease. The only redeeming feature about this film was the video I saw it on was made out of yellow plastic, I had never seen that before. Plus, there are say 50 cats in shots involving the cage, but when the cats are released in the “climatic” ending, they show maybe 6, over and over and over again. The villian’s henchman is named Dorgo, maybe he was Torgo’s Asian cousin, hmmm… 2/10 quality, 7/10 making fun of value

8

Metropolis (2002)
Directed by: Rintaro
Written by: Katsuhiro Otomo
A “re-imagining” of the classic Fritz Lang silent film from the writer of Akira and the director of X and Galaxy Express 999. Based on a Manga by the creator of Astro Boy and Black Jack.
Very cool design work, an amazing soundrack (ragtime and swing) and a completely different story from the original, dealing with the same themes.

Deep Red
Directed by: Dario Argento
The most beautifully filmed slasher flick ever, but there is so much more to it. The mystery doesn’t really work, but the atmosphere is powerful and the romantic subplot actually works. A jazz musician in Rome witness the murder of a Psychic who had “seen” the identity of a killer. He is haunted by the feeling that he saw something he can’t remember at the scene of the murder, he swears there was a painting in the hallway but it is missing when the police show up. He teams up with a pretty female news photographer to find out what happened before suspicion falls on him.

The Delicate Art of the Rifle
Haunting look at life from the view of a southern college student whose roomate starts shooting people from the roof of the dorm tower. Author Bruce Sterling cameos as a weatherman.
Pay attention when the narrator mentions clove cigarretes to see one of the oddest scenes ever.

9

**Road To Rio**

Starring Bob Hope, Bing Crosby, Dorothy Lamour

The fifth Road movie for the trio, but the only one the video store had. Has many comedic moments, plenty of one-liners, and jabs at Scat Sweeney’s (Crosby) ears and Hot Lips Barton’s (Hope) nose. Starts out with a montage of our heroes being run out of most of the states by mad fathers with guns, then they wind up at the circus. Hot Lips has to ride a bike across a high wire, and has TOR JOHNSON as a strongman making sure he does!!! Go Tor!!! But Hot Lips inadvertantly starts a fire that burns down the circus and make our heroes hid in a boat bound for Rio. There they meet Lucia Maria de Andrade(Lamour) who is being hypnotized into marrying for her money. Then some crazy capers unfold as the two hip dudes make it to Rio, and set up a band. Problem is, the three band members the pick up only speak portuguese, and they are trying to pass as americans. Crosby teaches them to each say a line on command: “This is murder, baby,” “You’re telling me,” and “you’re in the groove now, Jackson” (who the heck is Jackson? Andrew?). Watch for the Hat switching scene, and the Calvary Charge during the climax. Movie also features Crosby Singing and Hope Trumpeting, reminding me of Marx Bros. films where Chico played piano and Harpo found a harp at least once a movie (Harpo could be thrown back in time to before the big bang and find a harp to play, probably invovling cosmic string theory, but i digress). All in all, great movie, more plot than it seems, and a lot of fun. 7/10

**Mr. Deeds Goes to Town**

Starring Gary Cooper, Jean Arthur, Lionel Stander and NOT Adam Sandler!!! Dir. by: Frank Capra

I rented this because i wanted to see why this movie was being remade. I was not prepared for how good this movie is!!! Mr Deeds (Cooper) inherites $20 million from his dead uncle, and people come out of the woodwork trying to get a piece. Deeds is a simple man who is content with his life the way it was, and sees the money as an annoyance. He also goes around hitting people he doesn’t like (must be before everyone was sueing everybody for breathing too hard on them). Arthur is a reporter who uses her femanine wiles to get close to Deeds for a story in her paper. But eventually she realizes how real he is and regrets her actions, and Deeds decides to give away his money to farmers who lost their land in the Depression by buying 10000 acres and dividing it up. This causes Shady Lawyers[sup]TM[/sup] to try to declare Deeds insane to get his money. Great supporting cast, including Lionel Stander (Kup, from Transformers the Movie, and a billion other films). Great picture, no way Sandler can measure up, should have just stole the plot but not the name. 9/10

**King Kong vs. Godzilla** aka Kingu kongu tai Gojira

Starring Tadao Takashima. dir. by Ishirô Honda
Spoilers!!!
One of my favorite Big G films, despite the horrors the American Distributers did to it (freakin’ space sattelite and explanations for the audience of what they just saw happen). Kong is scaled up, and found on Faro Island (guess Skull island didn’t have enough blondes), where he beats up a giant octopus and then gets drunk on red berry juice and falls asleep. Luckily for Japan, Kong showed up just as Big G emerged from and iceberg, causing falling ice to set fire to a submarine (don’t ask). Big K gets taken to Japan to make money (they have a big organ grinder there) but busts out and starts smashing up Japan himself. That makes Big G mad, and they duke it out, then Godzilla remembers he can shoot fire, and burns Kong, forcing Kong to retreat. Suddenly, Godzilla is afraid of electricity (wasn’t before, won’t be again. must have been in a phase) and Kong can suddenly become Electo-Kong. Kong is knocked out via red berry power and airlifted beck to Big G, where a battle royale commences, ending with Big G vanishing and Kong heading back home. So who won? Well, with Kong leaving home, The Japanese assume he had too much and Big G won. The Americans assume he killed Big G and is heading home. Smart people like me realize that when violence is involved, nobody wins!! (Just kidding!!) 8/10 fun, 5/10 quality

10

7 Brothers Meet Dracula

Starring Peter Cushing

Hammer Horror meets Martial Arts in a sex and gore-fest. This version is an edited down Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires made to enhance the nudity and violence (sadly, i think it helped!) (yes, i got that from IMBD). Grand Moff Tarkin–er, i mean Dr. Van Helsing, goes to China spreading the word on Vampires. There he meets 7 brothers trained in the martial arts whose village is being terrorized by vampires, lead by Dracula who had now taken an Asian face. Full of fight scene after fight scene with zombie/vampire mixes. Is a whole lotta fun, i especially enjoyed seeing Tarkin fighting Kung Fu Vampires. Too bad Christopher Lee isn’t in this as well. I guess you can’t win all the time. 9/10 (fun) 3/10 (quality)

The Killer aka Die xue shuang xiong

Starring Chow Yun-Fat, Danny Lee, Sally Yeh. Dir by John Woo.

John Woo can deliver on killer action films, and The Killer is one of his best. Jeffery Chow (Yun-Fat) is a hired assassin, who while performing a hit accidently blinds an innocent singer, Jennie (Sally Yeh). Chow is not the type of guy who hurts innocent people, so he later befriends Jennie (who is unaware as to who he really is) and decides to do one last hit to use the money to pay for surgery to restore Jennie’s sight. Unfortunately, the new boss doesn’t trust Chow and orders him dead. Inspector Li (Lee) is the police officer assigned to hunt Chow down, but after witnessing Chow take a wounded girl to the hospital, realizes that Chow is not the bad guy here, the squad of Gangster Thugs are. This movie has more action sequences than you can believe, and John Woo pulling them off as exciting to boot! A must see for any action fan! 10/10

Bedazzled
Starring: Dudley Moore, Peter Cook, Rachel Welch

The original film, where Stanley Moon (Dudley Moore) sells his soul to the Devil, George Spiggot (Peter Cook) for seven wishes he can use to try to get the girl of his dreams to love him. The Devil, being the Devil, uses tricks to make the wishes backfire against Stanley. Since the budget was small, we don’t see all the superfancy scenarios the remake had, but the ones presented are funnier in that they make you think about what will go wrong. The box cover for the video i rented claimed that Lust (Welch) kept ruining Stanley’s fantasies, but since Lust was only in the film for 10 minutes, none of which were in a wish, the videocover writer couldn’t be bothered to watch the film and just looked at the cover. Cook pulls off the devil great, presenting him as a normal joe who was forced into his role out of boredom with praising God. My favorite interchange between Moore and Cook is below:

Stanley: You’re a nut-case! You’re a bleedin’ nut-case!
**Devil: **They said the same about Freud, Einstein and Gallileo.
**Stanley: **They said it about a lot of nut-cases, too!
**Devil: **You’re not as dumb as you look, are you Stanley?

rating: 8/10

11

My Favorite Brunette

Starring Bob Hope, Dorothy Lamour, Peter Lorre

Detective spoof starring two thirds of the Road to… movies, Hope is baby photographer Ronnie Jackson, who opens the film in jail minutes before being gassed. He is allowed to tell his story to the press, and the movie begins. After being turned down by his neighbor the detective for a job, Jackson agrees to answer his phone while he is away. While Jackson is in the office, Baroness Montay (Lamour) walks in and demands help, her husband has been kidnapped. But when Jackson gets to her house, her husband is there and tells him that she is a schizophrenic. Then her story changes that the Baron is her uncle and was kidnapped for oil rights. Jackson doesn’t buy it at first, but sees the “Baron” who is paralysed walking around a room. He realizes he was taken, and photographs the situation. Peter Lorre plays Kismet, the hired goon sent to hunt down Jackson and get the photo back. Full of gags, puns, and Bob Hopeisms, this is a great movie. Watch for a very cool cameo at the end playing the executioner! If you like comedy, you need to see this film. Rating 8/10

The Defender
aka Zhong Nan Hai bao biao
Starring Jet Li, Chrsty Chung

Michele (Chung) witnesses a gangboss kill his accountant and becomes the target of a squad of hitmen. Her much older superrich businessman boyfriend hires a Red Army special bodyguard called a Defender, John Chang (Li). Chang is very good at what he does, and lives and breathes his work. This is good because about 100 goons are hired to kill Michele. Included is the brother of a killer that Chang killed during an attack against Michele in a mall. He is former Red Army, but was trained as an assassin and vows to kill Chang. Contains more gun scenes than any Jet Li film i’ve seen, i thought for a second that John Woo suddenly became director. Plenty of action, plenty of fight sequences, plenty of refernces to The Bodyguard. A good action flick, fans of Jet Li won’t be disappointed. 7/10

12

more reviews with “naked Asian chicks,” please. I’m making a list.
:slight_smile:

13

GOne With the Wind
Starring Clark Gable, Vivien Leigh, Leslie Howard, and a pre-Superman George Reeves

Period piece set before, during, and after the Civil War. Vivien Leigh is Scarlet O’Hara, a shrewish and spoiled good-for-nothing who somehow attracts the eye of Rhett Butler (Clark Gable). What could have been an interesting premise for a romantic movie is turned into a horribly ponderous four-hour torture-fest, watching Rhett alternate between attraction and scorn for Scarlet. The movie ends abruptly with a contrived infanticide and abortion, but by then the viewer cares so little for the characters that there’s no emotional impact at all. Aside from a few elegant panoramic views of the Old South, this movie has nothing to justify its bloated carcass; Rhett should have dumped Scarlet by the second act and spared the audience an aditional three-and-a-half-hours of mind-numbing pain. It may be great masturbatory material for all the rednecks out there, but as cinema, it simply stinks. 3/10.

14

Just for divemaster, here’s a review of Sex and Zen
The charming story of a scholar who has his penis surgically replaced with a horse’s in order to to be taught the ways of seduction by a freaky old man. Genuinely bizarre, but not particularly good unless you want to see naked Asian chicks- in which case this movie is one of your best bets.

2000 Maniacs
Some Yankees get stranded in a southern town on the 100th anniversary of it’s destuction during the civil war. The Rebs come back for revenge, most notably rolling one of them down a hill in a barrel lined with nails. The portrayal of the southerners is honestly chilling, in one scene the townsfolk back off from killing one of the Yankees in horror at what they’ve done- the mayor starts singing “Dixie” to put them in the mood for killin’.
Very amateurish filmmaking, but quite interesting if you can stomach the gore and bad acting from the “stars”- the minor rolls were much better performed than the main characters. Of course, Natalie Merchant’s original band stole their name from this movie.

Bones
Snoop Dogg stars as Jimmy Bones, the crime lord of his neighborhood in the 70’s (but he wasn’t a bad guy) who was murdered by his associates. Present day: some kids buy an old brownstone in the projects to turn into a club, not realisin it was Bones’ place. Bones returns from the dead, mayhem ensues.
Visually astounding, the look of Bones is powerful. The use of different lighting and film stocks for different scenes was intriguing; the flashbacks look like 70’s blaxploitation the “haunted house” stuff is shot in the style of the classic Italian gothic films. The story is also very good initially, contrasting the decay of the neighborhood with the lives of Bones’ associates who made it out. Unfortunately, in the last 15 minutes the movie falls apart- it goes from something unique and interesting to a bad Nightmare on Elm Street knock off. Overall, the great beginning outweighs the weak ending for me.

Mr. Hulot’s Holiday
Incredibly funny slapstick classic. Monsieur Hulot goes to a seaside resort and innocently ruins everyone else’s vacation. The combination of over the top physical comedy with the innocense of the character is incredibly charming, modern slapstick comics wish they could be this funny.

15

Damn, i was gonna get to that one! I haven’t been able to locate the sequals yet, maybe i’ll find them soon, and i’m keeping an eye out for the unrated Prisoner Maria DVD. Here is a sadly "Naked Asian Chick"less review:

**The Defiant Ones**

Starring Sidney Poitier, Tony Curtis, Alfalfa

If you like movies, you should see this film. Poitier is a black prisoner chained to Curtis, a white prisoner. There is a traffic acident, and Poitier and Curtis escape. This being the south and the 50’s, a white man and black man chained together is not exactly Love Fest '58, but instead high tension. The sherrif says it right when he says they don’t need to search for them because they’ll kill themselves in five miles. Curtis and Poitier do pretty much everything but kill each other in their plight to get away, but slowly begin to understand the other one and start forming some repsect. A classic, and well deserving of the title. 10/10
I promise i’ll watch my Naked Killer DVD this week, just for divemaster :wink:

16

Eh, i can get a few more done while Taxi’s on commercial breaks

**Lady Iron Monkey**

Starring: Fung Ling Kam, Lo Lieh

Don’t be fooled, this movie has nothing to do with Iron Monkey, any incarnation. A Human girl is raised by monkeys in Ancient China. Or at least children in highly colorful monkey costumes. She is captured by an old master and raised as his daughter. For some reason Ming Ling Shur (Kam) is hairy. But her monkey like qualities mean she is excellent at monkey-style kung fu. Ming sets off on her own after being teased by the midget and giant guy that works for her master. She gets a crush on a prince (Lo) and tries to impress him with her kung fu, but the prince uses her to steal a scroll and become emperor. Ming then overhears him calling her ugly to his mistress, and runs off back to her home, where the master’s wife sets up a formula that gets rid of the monkey hair. Ming is a beautiful girl now, but suddenly she has a tail (it is implied that the tail has always been there, but looks more like the director thought of it at that point in time). By this time the Emporer has become corrupt and tries to kill people sent to negotiate with him and Lady Iron Monkey. Then a spectacular kung fo battle takes place, complete with monkeygirl-tail Fu. 2/10 quality, 9/10 fun

**Godzilla vs. Megalon**
aka Gojira tai Megaro
Spoilers!!Starring Katsuhiko Sasaki, Hiroyuki Kawase

An Atomic bomb test causes massive earthquakes and almost kills a very annoying Micro-shorted japanese kid (Rock Salt or something similar). Rock Salt, his 30 years older brother, and his brothers “friend” return home to find their place being robbed. Luckily, the robot Jet Jaguar “that name really suits him” appears unharmed. Unfortuantly, Jet Jaguar has really been reprogrammed by the Seatopians, who are an ancient race that lives under the sea and host elaborate dance recitals. As revenge for having their kingdom ruined by the bomb test, the Seatopians use Jet Jaguar to guide their very own monster around Japan (since Japan was doing the bomb test, no, they weren’t, but they must pay anyway), the monster called Megalon (actually a tweedlebug with chrystler buildings for arms and a buzz saw on his chest). Megalon starts busting up some models, and Rock Salt’s brother regains control of Jet Jaguar, who goes to get Godzilla. Godzilla hads for action, and Jet Jaguar returns, and programs himself to grow (whaaaa–???) and starts getting smacked around by Megalon. Then Big G comes along and smacks up Megalon, suddenly Gigan shows up with stock fotage from Godzilla vs. Gigan. Gigan gets hs arms a busted, and then Godzilla rips through laws of physics like tissue paper doing horizontal kicks on Megalon. Bad Dudes defeated, Jet Jaguar shakes Big G’s hand, then shrinks down to human size, and goes dumb. Then the Jet Jaguar theme song plays, and sadly Rock Salt isn’t hit by a train. Bleh 1/10 quality, 6/10 Big G fun

17

Blind Fist of Bruce
aka Mang quan gui shou
Starring: Bruce Li, Siu Tien Yuen

Bruce Li (yes, Li, not Lee) is head of a bank, and is a student of Kung Fu. Unfortunately for Li, his two masters are really con artists that teach a bunch of made up nonsense like “elephant’s trunk.” This comes into play when a Bad Dude and his henchmen decide to rob the bank. Li tries to stop them, but Bad Dude beats the crap out of him without breaking a sweat. Li gets enraged and fires his masters, which then go work for Bad Dude. Bad Dude bribes the police chief into letting him set up an extortion scheme in the city, steals a white jade statue from Li’s mother, and makes Li sign over the bank to him. Li is at his wits end, until he sees a blind beggar beat up some Bad Dude cronies, and convinces him to teach him kung fu. Time passes and Li beats up Bad Dude and saves the day, until Bad Dude gets Badder Dude named Tiger to come beat up Li. Tiger uses acid when he fights to blind his opponents, like he did for Li’s master many years ago. Li and his master must team up to take out Tiger and Bad Dude and their gang. Pretty standard 70’s/80’s Kung Fu movie, with many good kung fu scenes. 6/10

Naked Killer
aka Chiklo gouyeung
Starring: Chingmy Yau, Kelly Yao, Carrie Ng, Simon Yon

Movie opens with a man being killed by a woman (Ng) via Dumbell Fu. Jumps from that to the officer investigating the case, Tinam (Yon), who still cannot use his gun after accidently killing his brother a year ago. Yon is at a salon getting his hair cut when he notices another barber hitting on a young woman named Kitty (Yau). The barber’s pregnant girlfriend comes in, and the barber dumps her right there to go out with Kitty. Kitty beats the crap out of him for being such a jerk, and Tinam tries to stop her. Due to a strange attraction, Kitty praises Tinam to his chief, and they go out on a date. But later that night, Kitty’s father’s new wife is sleeping around, and her dad walks in on them. He tries to kill the other man in a fit of rage, but is killed himself. Kitty sees this, and the next day walks into the mans office with guns blazing. After an ultra-violent action sequence, Kitty takes a hostage to try to get out of the building. Fortunately for her, her hostage is Sister Cyndy (Yao), a professional killer of bad men. Cyndy sets off another ultra-violent action sequence and does a Die Hard tribute with Kitty to escape the exploding building. Cyndy decides to train Kitty as an assassin. But Kitty runs into her old flame during a murder investigation of ultra-violent deaths of men. (said investigation also teaches us that if you are at a scene of a murder where the victim’s genitalia are still missing, don’t have a plate of sausages. God will also tell you if you ate the wrong thing). This film is violent violent violent, with plenty of sex thrown in (divemaster will love it!). Is a great fun movie, deserving of its cult status. Make sure you get the unrated version. I have heard on aintitcoolnews.com that it is being remade, and this version has three sequals (i’ll try to track them down). rating: 10/10 fun, 4/10 quality

**Road to Singapore**
Starring Bob Hope, Dorothy Lamour, Bing Crosby

First of the Road movies with Hope/Lamour/Crosby. Crosby is Josh Mallon, heir to a giant shipbuilding firm. Hope is his friend Ace Lannigan who is on the run from the family of a girl he took out on one date and decided she was going to marry him. Together they run off to Singapore and stay free spirits rather than stay in their lives now. There they pick up Mima (Lamour) who was working for a whip trickmaster until Josh and Ace rescued her. Mima lives with the pair, adding a woman’s touch to their hut. Part of the reason the pair ran off was women, so they resent the changes at first, but begin to ralize they like having her around. Then Josh’s family tracks him down and drags him back to the states, leaving Mima with Ace, who then gets in trouble with immigration. Fun movie, better than many “comedies” in the theater now. You can see why it spawned so many sequals. Hope and Crosby are a wonderful team. Rating 7/10

18

The Ninth Configuration
Starring Stacey Keach, directed by William Peter Blatty (yes, the Exorcist guy.)

Keach is the new doctor at an experimental military asylum designed to preven fraudulent insanity cases from being discharged (it was the Vietnam war era). One of the patients is an astronaut who refuses to go back to space. Giving the story away wouldn’t be fair, but the film is like a cross between The King of Hearts and Blatty’s own Exorcist- there is a lot of surreal comedy going on, but the story deals with spiritual issues and has some very horrific moments (“What are you doing…doing…doing”). Excellent, and highly recommended.

[url-“http://us.imdb.com/Title?0116791”]Killer Condom

A german horror-comedy dealing with issues of sexual identity and repression. A gay NYC cop (who resembles Dennis Franz) is investigating the case of a sex hotel where a rash of penis chompings have occured. He runs into his ex during the case; his ex is still obsessed with him, but is now working as a prostitute. The whole thing was caused by a pack of genetically engineered condom-creatures that were created by a psychotic anti-gay Christian mad scientist (of course). Quite interesting if you’re in the mood for it. It was released in the US by Troma, but is light years beyond their usual fare.

O Lucky Man
Starring Malcolm McDowell, directed by Lindsey Anderson.

The second, and best, of a trilogy: If, O Lucky Man, and Brittania Hospital. McDowell plays Mick, a simple coffee salesman who goes uncomplaining from one bizarre adventure to the next. Truly captures the logic of dreams better than any other movie, and features a rockin’ greek chorus. One of the best movies ever. Chocolate sandwich, chocolate sandwich…

Eyes of Fire

An intriguing early 80s horror film, set in the pre civil war frontier. Not to give too much of the plot away: it involves a philandering preacher, the woodsman whose wife is bangin’ the preacher man, a witch, marauding Indians, and a terrifying forest spirit.
The acting is quite good, as is the writing. The lighting is too dark and the effects are weird, but excellent. This may be a little hard to find, but it’s worth it. I’ve only seen this on VHS, and it was obviously a bad copy.

19

Daimajin

The first movie in a series of kaiju flicks taking place in the samurai era. Quite a bit more violent than most giant monster movies, with some beautiful sets. An earthquake hits a village and the locals cower in fear of the “god of the mountain” who they believe is trying to escape his underground prison. The villagers gather at their shrine to pray that Majin will remain imprisoned. As the villagers pray, the evil advisor to the feudal lord attacks and kills the lord and his wife, but his son and daughter escape under the protection of a brave samurai. The new, evil, warlord interrupts the prayers of the villagers and tells them they are not to meet at that temple again. The priestess warns that it is dangerous to abandon the temple.
The priestess winds up raising the children of the slain warlord in an underground shrine with a giant statue of Majin. Eventually, like ten years later, the bad guys find out about Majin and try to destroy the statue to demoralise the villagers. When they attempt to break the statue with hammers and chisels the statue begins to bleed from the wound and the ground opens up and swallows the bad guy’s henchmen. The daughter of the slain warlord, seeing this prays for Majin to avenge her brother. The statue slaughters the bad guys quite violently for a kaiju film, then attacks the village. The daughter’s tears turn the statue back to stone.
Beautiful sets and cinematography, with a much better story than most kaiju but may be to violent for some.

20

**Black Cat** aka Hei mao

Starring Jade Leung, Simon Yam, Thomas Lam

You might remember this flick as La Femme Nikita. Remade as a Hong Kong action movie, which is perfect for this plot. Jade Leung (wowza!) stars as Catherine, a waitress at a seedy truckstop where Jerk Trucker stops in to get a bite to eat (of both the food and women kinds). Catherine is your cynical waitress that hates her job (making me more attracted to this character for some reason) who stabs Jerk Trucker with a fork when he tries to buy some lovin’ off of her. This gets her fired, and later outside she goes up to Jerk Trucker and acts like she’s gonna accept his offer. When Jerk Trucker drops his fly, his tallywacker gets nailed by a giant rock, and Catherine starts wailing on him. By this point i was in love, but Jerk Trucker fights back, and the Truckstop gets trashed and people die in the fight. Catherine is sent to jail, where a female cop takes her turn at being Abusive Cop of the Week. Unfortunately for her, Catherine beats her like a red-headed stepchild (no offense to all you red-headed stepchildren out there). By this time, the gov’t facilitates her escape and subsequent death. Or apparent death, and she is actually implanted with the Black Cat microchip and trained as a governmental assassin. The microchip is designed to have her reach her full potential as a killing machine, and it also causes massive headaches that can only be cured by a medicine supplied by the gov’t, making her a virtual slave. Renamed Erika, Black Cat now begins her assassination campaign. Several violent scenes follow, including a Jewish wedding (this movies version of the bricked up window scene). Following La Femme Nikita plotline, Black Cat takes a lover who must be kept in the dark of her real job, with the threat of death if he finds out. Excellent action movie, Hong Kong pulls off another one. Mmmmmmmmmmm…Jade Leung! Rating 8/10

**Firesign Theater Presents ‘Hot Shorts’**

Starring: Fireside theater (the Radio Troop)

Fireside Theater takes 9 40’s shorts and redubs and re-edits them into camp fun! here is a list of the shorts, and what they were originally:

Mounties Catch Herpes—was Dangers of the Canadian Mounted
Revenge of the Non-Smokers—was Spy Smasher
Sperm Bank Holdup—was The Black Widow
Nazi Diet Doctors—was She Deamons
Toy Wars—was Manhunt of Myster Island
Claws II—was Panther Girl of the Kongo
Olympic Confidential—was Undersea Kingdom
The Last Handgun on Earth—was Radar Men From the Moon
Heaven is Hell—was King of Jungleland

Sperm Bank Holdup is by far the best, but Toy Wars and Last Handgun are right up there. Any fan of MST3k or Mad Movies will love this! Revenge of the Non-Smokers even has social commentary relavent to today’s debates (well, as relavent as smokers being depicted as Nazi’s fighting against the French Resistance of non-smokers can be). 7/10