Movies so stupid that they literally drain off IQ points as you watch

Couldn’t sleep last night. Maybe it’s the economy, maybe it was the caffeine, maybe the beer. Anyway, on one of the “Flix” channels, I noticed that there was a movie called Paradise, starring Phoebe Cates and Willy Aames. I think to myself, “Wasn’t this some sort of Blue Lagoon inspired knockoff?” and then my other brain says “Maybe Phoebe Cates will be naked – did she do naked? – I think that was really her in that one scene in Fast Times at Ridgemont High – let’s give it a looksie”.

OMFG I could have written a better script when I was twelve years old. The plot is ridiculous, the acting is wooden at best, the two principal actors start shedding clothes with no explanation, although Aames character is supposed to be kind of religious, animals show up out of the blue in places they ought not be, etc.

The only redeeming quality of this film seems to be Phoebe Cates’ lovely young body, and even that kind of creeped me out. In real life I’m about 1 year older than her, but in this film I think she’s around 18-19 and looks like about 14 years old.

Okay, someone top this (and leave Battlefield Earth or whatever it is out of the discussion, that one is retired).

10,000 B.C.. I did a thread on it that I’m not going to repeat here. The movie is a virtualy repository of DUMB. It is a Mine of DUMB, capable of supplying the world’s need for DUM<B well into the 23rd century:
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=481068&highlight=10%2C000+mammoth

Legally Blonde II is so ridiculous as a depiction of the procedural steps in the legistative process in the U. S. Congress that the script might have been written by someone who had never actually heard of it, let alone studied it.

I actually saw “Paradise” in a theater when it first came out. I have two memories of it: 1) Willie Aames chiding Phoebe Cates about how much she had been eating (hint, hint), and 2) In one scene of Aames swimming nekkid, one teenish audience member exclaims “I can see it!”

Perhaps it was just me, but I thought that St. Elmo’s Fire was amazingly stupid when I saw it mumblemumble years ago. My wife loved it, but she’s six years younger than I am, and I think maybe we were at different stages of our lives at that point.
Independence Day has to be a contender.
RR

Yes, Independence Day .

The latest King Kong. Saw it about a year ago and my brain still hurts from the T-Rexs swinging on vines.

On the other hand, Idiocracy makes me feel smart-- Maybe it’s got electrolytes?

Made of Honor. It was the in-flight movie on a flight from San Fran to Detroit, and even without wearing the headphones past the first 15 minutes, I felt stupider when I walked off the plane.

I feel stupider for having paid money to see The Forgotten.

Aliens?!? Really?!?!?!?!11!!One

I feel smarter for having reviewed it.

American Cyborg: Steel Warrior. Yes it was a Terminator 2 style knock-off, so it was expected to be bad. But it was even worse than bad. Really. Normally with a post apocalyptic world one has all these neato images, devices, or societies to distract the viewer/reader from how frigging unlikely the depicted scenes are. No - the little effort they put into the settings was to borrow the Max Headroom set, and forget that Max Headroom was satire.

A friend talked me into seeing the movie with him, and there were four of us in the theatre. The only truly memorable thing about the whole movie was when one of the four of us shouted out, as we MST3Ked the film, “Be quiet! Noble celluloid died for this film!”

Bio-Dome. Of course, given that it starred Pauly Shore, there’s not much more than needs to be said about it.

I woke up in the middle of the night to some John Wayne Air Force movie. I never saw so much stupid packed into 15 minutes in my life. He played an Air force officer in charge of a female Russian defector who happened to be a pilot. She had a full dress uniform and medals with her, had no accent(or even a bad attempt at an accent) and was allowed to fly an American jet. Just before I went back to sleep, the officers were hatching a plan to allow her to see all the latest top secret technology and determine what the Russians didn’t have by what she was most interested in. :smack::smack::smack:

Should we have a special category for John Wayne films? Because, while what you describe sure sounds stupid - it’s going to be hard pressed to match the concentrated stupid in the John Wayne Temujin/Genghis Khan biopic: The Conqueror.

I think that was Jet Pilot. A Howard Hughes film, if I recall. And unless I dreamed it, there’s actually a scene in which John Wayne explains that in America, we sublimate our individuality in favor of a team effort, and she says that in the USSR, the individual is celebrated. Something like that; kind of weird.

Cruel Intentions II

edit: oh, and Demon Seed

I’d like to submit the entire oeuvre of Jean-Claude Van Damme as textbook DUMB.

Though I did always get a kick out of the half-baked excuses they’d sometimes come up with for his accent (My personal fave - he’s from Quebec… because clearly, no one in the US watches enough hockey to recognize a real quebecker accent). :slight_smile:

You are not alone, believe me.

Evan Almighty. OK, I should have known going in that it would be bad. But I enjoyed Bruce Almighty, and I thought this would sort of be along the same lines but with Carell instead of Carrey. Oh dear God, it was dumb. So dumb it made my hair hurt. So dumb it made my dog cry.

Dumb to the point that I was offended at the filmmakers passing this story off on me, and expecting me to enjoy it. I would have given it a big pass if it had at least been funny, but it was the worst combination- dumb and not funny. No redeeming value whatsoever (except maybe a couple shots of Lauren Graham. Yum.)

Every Planet of the Apes movie that didn’t have Charlton Heston as the star.

Enchanted.

Oh, it looked cute and wry in the movie theaters, so I tried to watch it when it came on cable. But when the heroine managed to get all the creatures of the forest (and the drain) to clean the apartment in the real Manhattan I gagged. It would have been a lot funnier if she’d done her little tra-la-la trill and nothing happened.

Fish out of water, people, means fish out of water. You do not bring the water to the fish. You leave the fish out of the water for maximum hilarity.

I’ve been accused of racism for saying this (which pisses me off), but I’ll say it anyway—

anything that begins with Tyler Perry’s.

Medieval morality plays with characters named “Embodiment of Pure Evil” (and u.s. for ‘Innocence’- proud member of Equity) or a Greek tragedy where the actors wore 20 pound masks of a scowling face would have more nuanced characters. This guy is dreadful. It’s a tragedy that with so many out-of-work and underemployed black filmmakers only he seems to get the $900 billion deals.