Mr. Fixit

The BBQ Pit
21

Heh-heh. I do that to my SO, too. When she goes over the fun things that happen at work during the day, my mind is usually racing, trying to come up with ways for her “problems” to be fixed.

Thing is, it’s hard to tell the times when she is venting (and not just her; this could be any person, man or woman) and when she actually wants to hear what I have to say. (Beyond the usual, “I feel your pain. Now strip!”)

So, I pretty much just offer up my opinion regardless. (There are times, though, that she puts her stories in such a way that I know not to shed anything but sympathy.)

Maybe I do it because I’ve worked in support-type jobs for so long; maybe it’s because, as she says, I’m a “Helpy-Helper”; maybe it’s because being the “hero” of the moment use to get me laid so often back in college; maybe I just don’t know when to quit (Nah!)–I dunno.

But give me a few, I can probably fix myself…

:wink:

22

Nah, I just give the fuck up.

23

I know, but it’s frustrating sometimes to have to remind him:

HONEY, right now I’m just venting

or HONEY, here’s where you just be quiet and hug me at the end.

I guess it’s the girliness about me that I just would like him to KNOW when I want help and when I don’t.

Does that make sense?

24

Once I accepted that men are stupid and women are crazy, I found that things like this are much easier to understand.

Of course, being a man and therefore stupid, I’m probably getting it wrong.

25

It makes complete sense. But, as I have to repeatedly tell my wife - I don’t read minds.

26

My wife has this same complaint about me.

I thought all women knew about this whole “men are hard-wired to offer solutions vs participate in a mutual sharing of feelings” thing.

I mean, you all watch Oprah, right? I mean, you’re like, required to, or something? And that Mars/Venus dude was on Oprah or something chick-oriented like that, wasn’t he? Or maybe that one woman who wrote that You Just Don’t Understand book or something like that. She was probably on there at one time or another.

Anyway, these people said that women like to air complaints because they want to talk about it, share feelings, etc. Men don’t do this with each other. If a man complains about something to another man, it is obvious to us (the other men) that they are looking for a solution to a problem. Or else, ya know – why bring it up?

So when women bring up things like this, we (the men) respond the way we are wired to and say things like “Well, all you have to do is yadda yaadaa blah blah blah. I’m surprised you didn’t think of that yourself. Silly woman.”

And then, having sucessfully avoided The Sharing, we can go back to the Not Listening and the Staring at Boobs on TV.

27

Oh, sure, it makes sense. It just isn’t possible.

If I offer sympathy, you want an Advil. If I offer an Advil, you want sympathy. And you are already in a bad mood, I’m just making it worse. I wish you would just say nothing and smack me upside the head. I gain the same amount of wisdom and insite either way and it saves time.

Just to make this perfectly clear: I can’t read your mind.

28

In all seriousness…I’ve tried to do a bit better job with mrs beagle on this. In these kinds of situations…I usually respond with some sort of hug or footrub, and say “what can I do to help you”? A lot of times, she’ll say…“nothing…what you’re doing now helps” and sometimes she’ll say, “watch Maeve for awhile” etc…

So far it seems to be an improvement. FWIW

29

99% of the time, I’m bitchin’ to vent, not because I want advice on how to fix anything. The SO and I talked about this very early on, so he understood pretty from much day one that the process of venting makes me feel better, and that if I want advice or help, I’ll ask for it. This includes “help” on really mundane things like asking for glass of water when I have a migraine and getting up to get it myself just makes my head pound.

And it took me years, but I finally got my mother to understand that venting makes me feel better, not worse.

30

Yer own mum doesn’t understand you (or, didn’t) and yet you want us to pull a relationshipal John Edward?

Oy! :slight_smile:

31

I’m in the heartless camp: that is, if you’re complaining and don’t want a solution, too bad for you. If you complain and want a solution, I’m happy to help. But I don’t understand how merely complaining makes things better.

32

:wink:

33

While this all sounds simple and reasonable the fact is that it all a bunch of damnable lies.

This “I don’t want you to fix it, I just want you to commiserate.” is pretty much the classic female fallacy. It is the primary tool by which the female of our species maintains control of her man. The constant disinformation keeps the man confused and chastened and off balance. He remains in subservient mode until ultimately his mate completely subsumes his will and he is reduced to the status of automaton.

Having been married for ten years, I have proof.

For many years this tactic worked fine against me. However, when my wife became pregnant it was obvious what was going. Hormones had caused her to go too far. The jig was up and I saw through this transparent tactic.

Pregnant wife: “I’m really hungry for some strawberry ice cream. I really want some.”

Me: “Great! I will run to the store and get you some!”

Pregnant wife: “Why do you always do that?”

Me: “What? What did I do? I’m sorry.”

Pregnant wife: “Why do you always have to try to fix everything? Why can’t you just listen? Why can’t you just commiserate? I didn’t ask you to get ice cream? If I wanted you to get ice cream, I would have told you to get ice cream. All I wanted was for you to understand my feeling concerning this craving for ice cream. I just wanted to talk to you about it. Why can’t you just talk to me? Why do you always have to do something about everything.”

Me: “I’m sorry. I’ll do better. (pause) I hear what you are saying about this craving for ice cream. I understand. I often get cravings, myself.”

Pregnant Wife: “Oh yeah, sure. Like you have any idea what it’s like to pregnant! You did this to me! Why do you always have to act like you know something about everything!”

Me: “I’m sorry.”
Ten minutes later my wife goes to the bathroom for the 500th time that day.

Pregnant Wife: “There’s no toilet paper in this bathroom.”

Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that. That must be awful.”

Pregant Wife: “Well don’t just sit there. Do something about it! Get me toilet paper. What are you waiting for, you idiot!”

So I laugh bitterly at this rant. I see through it. Women don’t want us to not fix things and simply commiserate. If we do, they will yell at us for not fixing things.

What women want, quite simply, is to complain about men. They are going to do it no matter what we do. It’s a perfect catch-22.

34

Preach it, jar.

Yeah, I read Mars & Venus. That don’t mean I’m happy with it.

35

Whew, talk about in one ear and out the other.

You must have a teflon brain Neutron.

I don’t think I’ve seen very many people so COMPLETELY miss the point of an OP before.

But, just to help you out. And to agree with the OP…

Yes, we REALIZE that guys (Those guys in the specific group who exhibit the specific behaviour and not ALL guys, as OP already made a disclaimer), are trying to help by offering a solution to what they see as our “problem”.

Here is what might help you, NS, to see the point…

Guys (only those of you that exhibit behaviour discussed in the OP), listening and commiserating with us IS the fixit or solution to our “problem”.

Many times when we are bitching “THIS SUCKS”!!! We’re looking for hugs, kisses and a simple “yeah, it DOES SUCK honey”.

And THAT is the “fixit”.

Thanks.

36

Haw haw haw, I never grow tired of your misogynist humor…no wait… I do. Every day.

Folks who know me know that man bashing is on my short list of absolute hates…and in an effort to keep men from being frustrated with women and our position I just wanted to provide an explanation that, like beagledave suggested, all you have to do is say:

IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO?

the answer may be “get me ice cream”

The answer may also be ‘just leave me alone for a few minutes’

In short If you’re so put off by having to translate what your wife of ten years is trying to tell you, ask first…act second.

37

I didn’t ask for a solution, Jarbaby. I just wanted to share my frustration. I don’t know why you felt the need to offer me advice on how to solve my problem.

Why couldn’t you just commiserate?

All I wanted you to say was “Yeah Scylla, that sucks. Let’s go get a beer,” a little sympathy, but noooooo…

Women.

[sub]I think that’s checkmate[/sub]

:wink:

38

But is she trying to tell him or is she just assuming he knows??

While I think men and women will forever disagree, I think that the woman should - tell first…complain second. In other words, if you know you don’t want fixing, start of by saying you just want to complain. If you are going to want fixing, let him know you need help.

Sure, in a perfect world, each person would know what the other wants but that’s not going to happen. But maybe we can agree that the onus should be shared. Sometimes, the woman should say what she wants before complaining (so the man knows what do to) and sometimes the man should ask what the women wants before he tries to solve it. Either way, remember, the man is just trying to help and shouldn’t get his head bitten off - IMHO.

39

I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do?

40

I didn’t offer a solution. Rather I was proving your fucking “women are crazy” manifesto to be wrong. You presented situations that I DO NOT believe occured to fit your hilarious punchline that all women do is bitch about men.

Whatever. I don’t play chess. I’m just a girl. :rolleyes: