Where or where is the eyebrow waggling emotocon!?
What’s wrong with saying, “No, I’m not looking for help, I’m just venting”, when offered help when you don’t want it?
Personally, I don’t offer solutions during those types of conversations unless specifically asked help. If you have a man that’s doing that, and you don’t like it, it’s probably time to have a conversation about it so that you can fix it.
We are in complete agreement here. I have been married for eight years. How many more times am I going to have to tell Mr. Jar and my best friend of four years not to do this before they stop? Just curious.
Your assumption is a bit offputting. I’m always very polite in telling my husband or friends “I don’t need your help fixing this right now, I just need you to listen.”
I RANT on a messageboard to express those headbiting feelings.
Oh COME ON!!! Some of you guys are getting so hung up on the “if she has a headache, why doesn’t she just take an advil, or if she wants a hug/commiseration, why doesn’t she just SAY so” thing that you are completely (and seemingly purposely) missing the point. And she spelled out VERY clearly the point of her post, the headache thing was merely an example.
I am the only female in a company with 7 men in our home office and several others in “field offices”.
I know DAMN well after listening to these guys for the better part of two years that guys DO know very well how to say “yeah, that DOES suck” and show sympathy when someone starts to complain about something. And all without having to be told “hey, I’m just bitchin’ here”.
Especially when it’s something like the OTHER examples (stupid email attachments etc) that everyone bitches about.
Jar:
Sincerely, I do apologize. I was not trying to ridicule you, or attack women in general. I thought I was being obviously facetious.
My minor point beneath the facetiousness is that I have observed that sometimes some women do pick fights in this manner
Then I sincerely apologize. I assumed, incorrectly, that you ranted to Mr. Jar etal.
No offense I hope. 
Looks like I’m somewhere in the middle on this one.
Personally (just what I do, not saying it’s better than what anyone else does), I complain as little as possible. If I have a complaint about something that I can fix, I shut up and fix it. If I have a complaint about something I cannot fix, I might express my opinion, and then I’ll shut up and accept it.
But there are times when I gush to the SO all my silly little complaints. He’s generally pretty good at knowing when to offer advice vs. when to offer comfort. And if he offers advice when I want the other, I just say to him “Just hug me” and if he continues talking, then I kiss him to shut him up! Works beautifully 
Yes, it was an example. I hope you didn’t think I could give an insight into a man’s mind over every single issue that could arise??? It was also an example - an example using the same scenario.
I don’t have a Mr. Fixit, instead I’ve got me a Mr. MeToo! If I complain about a headache, my beloved replies not with a soothing touch nor an offer of non-narcotic medication. No. I get “Hey! So do I! It’s been killing me all day, you can’t even imagine!” If I call him to whine about my crappy day, guess who’s already having the King of all Crappy Days? You guessed it! The only thing he doesn’t get are menstrual cramps. But when talk of it comes up, he says something demure like “Hey baby, I’ve got something in my pants that’ll fix those cramps right up. heh heh.”
And how do I respond? I volley with a solution to the complaint he responds with so I don’t have to hear him complain any more. “There’s Alieve in the bathroom, that should fix it right up, honey.” “I think you should just quit that awful job, pumpkin.” “If you don’t want me to rip it off, you’ll keep it in your pants, pooky.”
This passive aggressive ping-pong we play is just our little way of saying to one another “Quit yer bitchin’, dear.”
If I really want to get my whine on, I call up my best girlfriend.
Yes, I know, sorry, I should have put a disclaimer. That was disbelief/exasperation attitude, not biting off heads attitude:D
But, I forgot to also add that the OP DID say “sometimes”. And she was very careful to add a disclaimer saying in effect “of course I realize not every man does this every time”.
But having spent the last 20something years in the workaday world, mostly in male dominated businesses. I know that this whole “I can’t understand women, they want too much and what they want is too confusing” thing is really kind of a bunch of horse puckey.
I’ve seen too many guys over the years communicating in almost exactly the same way with each other, that women wish they’d communicate with us. And GOSSIP? Holy Cow!
Funny, I remember one company I worked for in the 80s, about 80 men, and 2 women. And almost all of the men would gossip to us and talk about kids, marriage, their girlfriends, their lives, the whole 9 yards, almost the same way our female friends would.
Sorry, slight hijack here, but what gives with that? The men (like the ones I’ve worked with) feel freer to “share” with mere friends and coworkers? But not their wives/girlfriends?
Just curious.
It’s not just bullshit. It’s an observed conversation difference between men and women. Not all women, not all men, of course. It pains me that I even have to add that caveat on this board.
I haven’t read the mars/venus books (already cited once here), but Deborah Tannen writes about it in her books.
My apologies to Bottle of Smoke, who I see on closer reading did indeed cite Deborah Tannen’s book already.
My husband tries to fix EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN with…an aspirin. His response is ALWAYS, “take an aspirin.”
My throat is sore and my eyes are runny and I’m gonna puke.
“Take an aspirin”
There’s a huge boulder in the garden and I can’t move it.
“Take an aspirin”
It’s actually kind of funny.
In men’s defense, my boyfriend is one of those who WILL say “damn, THAT sucks”!! when I complain. He will frequently try to help too.
Sometimes though, he gets this “we’re gonna fix it now” thing going on, when I wasn’t at ALL planning to “fix” whatever it was I was talking about, NOW!
Usually he will do that, not when I’m complaining, but when I offhandedly say sometthing like “oh, yeah, that thing, I have to do such and such to it” and generally it’s something that doesn’t need to be fixed THIS INSTANT, but suddenly it’s the project of the day!
MEN! 
I used to call my Mom and vent to her about my day and she would commiserate with me. It made me feel better. After she died, I tried this once with my Dad - big mistake! He, like a lot of men, tried offering all kinds of solutions that I really didn’t want to hear. In addition he got really upset because he was so far away and couldn’t act on anything.
It made me realize that often this kind of behavior can be selfish and destructive. I’ve since put a lid on useless bitching to men and vent with my sisters or girl friends.
Eddy pretty much understands that if I want help I’ll ask for it. I’m 90% sure that when I start yaking about the rude man at the carwash, he’s switched to auto pilot and has tuned me out as he nods and makes the appropriate facial grimaces and grunts
Um, you didn’t “have” to add that, the OP already did, and a few other people already added that disclaimer to their posts as well.
So… you complain about having a headache, but you don’t want to take an Advil… but you keep complaining… and now I need one…
?
Read the fucking OP Fuji, and the thirty posts following it…I know to take advil…guess what…sometimes it doesn’t work. Sometimes I’ve already taken an advil and in the interim I feel like saying “man my head is killing me” is that off limits?
Jesus.
[hijack]I worked with a guy once who was alway telling me how busy he was. He would stop by my office to tell me how busy he was. He was never too busy to stop by and tell me how busy he was. One day he stopped by to tell me he had a headache. I offered him a Tylenol. He told me he was didn’t have time to take it.[/hijack]
The answer to this whole thing is simple: more cowbell!
I’ve ranted about communication issues between Mrs. Sauron and myself in other threads, but on this issue we’ve gotten pretty good. I’ve learned to listen and try to sympathize when she’s complaining about work, or the kids, or whatever. She’s learned to ask for my advice if she specifically wants it.
Granted, it’s very difficult to bite my tongue when she complains at least weekly about the same frustrating habits of her co-workers, but I’m getting there.