MTV/Nokia can man my jackhammer

The BBQ Pit
1

I just returned from the best concert in my life, taped by MTV and sponsored by Nokia Unwired!

Except not.

But continuing in this sarcastic tone I will give advice for those who wish to aspire to this sublime experience in which everything worked perfectly:

If you are the concert promoter, you should:
– Make sure the concert starts at 9. No one has work or school tomorrow: we all had reservations at the Hard Rock Hotel and we were planning on sleeping the next day off anyway. Especially the majority of the crowd, consisting of 14-16 year olds. All with massive hangovers.
– Make sure the concert doors open at 7:30. Only the hardcore people willing to stand up for an hour and a half should get front row space!
– Get a couple DJs from the local [del]alternative[/del] lame rock station to warm up the crowd.
– Make them read for several minutes, all cool and ironicallike, from a disclaimer about how MTV now owns all rights to your appearance. After all, an announcement that we can barely hear and delays the show is much more legally binding than a waiver.
– Even better, make them tape a promo for when the show will air on MTV, consisting of asking the crowd to sing along to two of the band’s songs. Without the band. Then, just when we are starting to get into the song cut us off.
– Speaking of which, keep 'em wanting more. Ask that the band only play 1 1/2 hours because you can’t afford to pay the technicians. More money for when the band comes around next time.

If you are the warmup DJs:
– The only thing that could be cooler than a bandless singalong is asking us repeatedly how much noise we can make, so in NOT doing this, the DJs did a great disservice to the ideal of a perfect concert. Wait, they did that too.
– Since this will be a short show, abbreviate the name of the band’s songs when you introduce them. It will let us know to lower our expectations for the show so we won’t be disappointed.

If you are the concert venue/promoter:
– Please put more false walkways between the parking lot and the concert. Trying to navigate through a maze only increases my sense of accomplishment when I finally reach my destination.
– Request that there be no moshing, but don’t enforce this rule. We all know power only goes to those with a will to power so why fight realpolitic?
– But please, instead of enforcing the no moshing rule, enforce the no cameras rule instead. 2 lbs of metal is far more dangerous than 200 lbs of sweaty drunk manflesh tumbling around.

If you are a concertgoer:
– Ignore the no moshing rule. Preteens need to learn the rules of the floor somehow!
– Pick fights with those who try to mosh. How else can your little brother learn the principle of nonviolence than by you getting medieval on those who accidentally ran into him?
– Stare at me because I’m wearing dress casual. No one enjoys the show unless the dress code is enforced. I shouldnt have even gone to the concert unless I had time to go to my house to change into my ironic baseball tee. Especially since you displayed the ultimate in hardcore coolness: wearing a t-shirt of the same band you’re gonna see! How much more of a fan can you be!
– Just stand around close to me when I fall down whilst not moshing. By no means lend a hand or even get out of my way for me to push myself back up. The crowding of bodies around me will shield me from any further pushes.

If you are Coheed and Cambria:
– Only play 3 songs off of In Keeping [del]Secrets of Silent Earth 3[/del]. After all, with the newly shortened name it deserves less attention, and besides, AOR plays that album nonstop anyway, in fact I believe it’s replaced Get the Led Out as the new overplayed standard.
– But make up for this by repeating two of them. The only thing I would have liked better than to hear A Favour House Atlantic in acoustic AND electric format would be if I heard it in acoustic, electric AND in the preshow singalong.
– For your last song, play a really drawn out 15 minute long song with no lyrics. I’d rather hear its trippy ponderousness than 3 more hard rock songs. I mean, you are one of the all time classic jam bands! It was like watching the Dead and Phish all rolled into one!
– No one likes sappy endings. I know you get emotional when you finally have to leave, so rather than tell us you’re not doing an encore, just walk off the stage without saying goodbye and let the security guards tell us to leave.

2

So, Michael Jackson is finally going to be able to payoff his lawyers and creditors now?

Cool!

Dude owes me some money for holding his umbrella.

3

A gig with a no moshing rule?

No moshing!?

Dude, what the fuck? Was it Schubert? Strauss? Coldplay!? No? Then fucking mosh! Jeez. :slight_smile: Might as well have a “no fun” rule…

(I will, however, join you in murdering any and all DJs who will turn down the sound to an epic song in order to get the crowd to sing along. Kill kill kill!)

4

#6 in Hal’s Rules For Living: Never, ever, evereverever be that guy.

5

I’ve heard that rule announced for over 10 years. It’s probably on account of the venues not wanting to get sued because a bunch of stoned teenagers injure one another.

Which recalls a favorite concert memory. I went to see Toad the Wet Sprocket, and they said no mosh dancing, crowd surfing, or stage diving. A woman attempted to stage dive, and was escorted out. The singer stopped and said, “Hey, don’t do that, somebody might get hurt… and, in case you haven’t noticed, WE’RE TOAD THE WET SPROCKET!” (The meaning being, if you don’t know, that Toad was a laid back, mellow group who did not rawk and were about as appropriate for that kind of shit as an Eagles concert). It was hilarious. Heh.

Guess you had to be there.

6

The first time I ever went to a concert with moshing, the very first act expressed concern for the crowd too.

That band was, I’m ashamed to say, Candlebox. And while they don’t rock as hard as many, their music sucks so much that it’s only fun if you mosh to it.

Then again, the headliner was Living Colour and they were totally okay with it :slight_smile:

And I forgot one thing the promoters/venue of the Co&Ca concert did right: the exit music. When the show really was over, they put on selections from the Postal Service’s give up on the loudspeakers. I myself have actually put on that album as “going away music”: it’s the perfect, 4-am-been-partying-all-night-its-time-to-say-goodnight music.

7

An exception can be made if it’s a really popular band, but your T-shirt is from way, way back when no one knew who the band was.

8

The ultimate “that guy” moment is in the band photo for Meshuggah’s Destroy Erase Improve, which features one of the members wearing a Meshuggah shirt.

9

Ludovic, it sounds like you’re expectations for a show are different than mine. Still, they really gave you the business there. I’ve been starting to suspect that any show with more than 1000 people at it is just not going to be worth it.

And watch how you use ponderous, if you please.

10

I can still wear my Loveburger shirt, right?

You remember that thread? That is so fetch!

11

A concert simply isn’t any fun unless you can turn up 1 1/2 hours early, get shitfaced at the bar and then spend the rest of the evening being pressed tightly against a barrier by several hundred people.

Ideally I like to spend a significant proportion of time hugging a speaker, and to be functionally deaf for a day or two afterwards.
Surely I can’t be alone in this?

Oh…and the ideal last concert song is “The Man Don’t Give a Fuck” by Super Furry Animals. It’s 30 minutes of social protest, with a large bit of dance music in the middle and completed by the arrival of the band in outlandish costumes for the final chorus.

12

Def Leppard’s Joe Elliot was famous for constantly pulling that one too. It always made me want to smack him around with a Hanoi Rocks t-shirt and yell “Here! Wear this instead, ya fricking twit!”

13

That sounds like fun! Will you drive me to the next concert? :wink:

14

First mistake: Going to a concert pimped by MTV.

Second mistake: Seeing Coheed and Cambria.

Kidding, I suppose. Co&Ca were great live when I saw them at Warped a few years ago, even though I don’t really like any of their music. Claudio is a really cool guy as well once you get talking with him.

Was anyone opening for them or was it straight Coheed?

15

Can some kind, hip person clue me in as to why wearing a T-Shirt from one of the bands playing at a concert is considered uncool? I hadn’t heard this one before.

Is this new?

Parrot Heads don’t seem to have gotten the memo–Carribean Soul Buffet shirts are pretty common at concerts (of course, so are grass skirts).

About one third of the crowd is wearing Braves gear at Braves games–are they uncool as well, or is this fashion rule strictly relegated to musical crowds?

[Abe Simpson] I used to be with it… [/Abe Simpson]

16

I think talking about “that guy” makes you “that guy.”

Which makes me “that guy.”

17

It’s just one of those things (and has been since at least 1993) that makes you “that guy”. You don’t wanna be “that guy”.

Naaaw. Talking about “that guy” just make you that guy talking about “that guy”.

18

No, I’ve heard it before. Nobody can explain it. I think some guy sat down one day and said “Let me think of the most trivial reason to pick on somebody, EVER, even though it’s a common behavior. I’ll call it ‘being that guy.’ Then everybody will tell everybody else ‘don’t be that guy,’ and they won’t have a clue why they’re doing it! I r0xx0rz!”

I’ve been to concerts where probably a third of the crowd is “that guy.” Who gives a fuck? How can that many people be “that guy” anyway?

19

I don’t think that anyone really takes the “that guy” thing seriously. I’ll joke about it, but I don’t give a hoot what anyone wears.

20

Actually, the first time I heard anyone else other than myself mention how uncool it was was on this board last year. So I didn’t call it “being that guy” cuz I came up with it independently so I get to use it :stuck_out_tongue:

That’s another beef. When I bought the tickets I thought it said there was an opening act, but either I misread or they got cancelled, cuz nope. Just Coheed. For less than 90 minutes. Playing a total of 10 songs. I kid you not. I don’t care about the $22 I spent, I wouldn’t have wasted my time going to the Hard Rock and back. Granted, only a couple hours total but just sayin’…

OTOH, they did rock, so if it weren’t for all this crap I woulda gotten a decent show. But I am starting to think that the Hard Rock is just bad juju or something, cause every time I go there it’s a lot worse an experience than House of Blues. Maybe its just randomness, but Flickerstick at the Hard Rock was drunk off their ass and making a lame attempt to change their style, and Elvis Costello at the Hard Rock was making an okay riff on his normal style but didn’t rock halfway as hard as when I saw him at HoB and by the way he fit in about three times more songs than Co+Ca did and he DID have an opening act.