Russian scientists and oil workers drilled a borehole 7 miles deep in Siberia. When they lowered a microphone down into the hole, the cable snagged and broke, leaving an expensive audio sensor at the bottom.
A couple went out for the day leaving their dog in the house.
When they got home the dog was choking, so they left the dog at the vets and went home.
Shortly after they’d got home they got a call from the vet.
Whatever you do check your house NOW.
They went round their house and finally into the bathroom, and sure enough their dog had eaten their bath sponge.
- I have to say, I have not had to do cough/laughs this often at my desk for a thread in ages *
There’s a famous joke that is known for killing everybody who hears it.
It’s not this one.
A man was pulled over for speeding by a State Trooper. He tells the driver, “My shift is done in 30 minutes. If you give me a good enough reason, I won’t write you a ticket.”
The driver said, “My wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back.”
The cop responded with, “It wasn’t me. I’m gay”, and cited the driver for 70 in a 55.
A cop pulls over a lady for speeding. After futilely pleading with the officer for leniency, she offers to purchase tickets to the Policeman’s Ball. The officer says “sorry, ma’am, but we’ve sold out of them.” and writes her a ticket anyway.
As I was taking the Tube home last night, I noticed a mysterious and shadowy man of middle-eastern appearance drop his wallet as he headed for the exit. I grabbed it, ran after him and returned it to him before he could leave the station. He thanked me profusely, and then he told me something I’ll never forget:
“Stay away from London during the Olympics.” he said. “Why?” I asked. “Because there’ll be tourists everywhere, the transport infrastructure will fail under the unprecedented demand and prices for leisure goods and services will skyrocket.”
Tell all your friends.
Green M&Ms are reputed to have strong aphrodisiac powers. But they don’t. They’re just candy.
Jews control the government of Israel.
If you go into a darkened bathroom on the night of October 31 and turn around 13 times while chanting “Blue Baby” you will likely become slightly dizzy.
A couple left their baby at home with a hippie babysitter and went out to dinner. The mother called the babysitter’s cell phone and asked the babysitter how everything was going. The babysitter said fine, I put the turkey in the oven. When the parents came home, the babysitter had no idea what they were talking about when they talked about calling her and her saying something about a turkey. The mother had called the wrong number.
Another babysitter had put the kids to bed, and was alone in the house. She got a call on the house phone telling her to check on the kids. She went upstairs, and the kids were fine. Then she got another call telling her the same thing. But this time, when she went to check on the kids, she heard someone laughing. She told the kids to knock it off and put their cell phones away, or she’d tell their parents what they had been doing. They did, and the rest of the evening was uneventful.
A woman eating at Wendy’s found a human finger in her bowl of chili. The police investigated, and found that she had bought the finger from an injured co-worker and put it in the chili in an attempt to extort money from Wendy’s.
A boy died after eating some Pixy Stix from his Halloween candy stash. A police investigation found that the boy’s father had put the poisoned candy there, so the child would die and he could collect on his son’s life insurance.
A landlord investigated an apartment because the apartment below was complaining about water damage and dirty water coming through their ceiling.
Turned out the upstairs tenant had a large aquarium that overflowed while they were cleaning it.
Aw, shit. You knew that one is true, didn’t you?
My grandparents had tickets to sail from England to the US on the *Zealandic *in April 1912–but my grandmother couldn’t find her mother’s good-luck charm and looked for it so long they missed the sailing. So they sailed on the very next ship–which was the Olympic, and they arrived in New York a week and a half later.
If you cough, sneeze and fart at the same time, you might throw up, too.
OMG! This is totally like true! I read it in the paper!
seriously.
Yes, I did. The finger in the chili at Wendy’s is true, too.
Yeah, I knew. I just couldn’t find a good link. Found it on snopes, though. Snopes says “false”, but if you read the link it’s pretty much true.
Damn, that sounds confusing. It’s true though, and I will leave it up the the reader to parse that sentence.
A woman went to several different tanning salons to get a quick tan for her wedding. A few hours later, her skin turned red, and a few days later started peeling off in big, itchy flakes. She went to her doctor, and he told her she was now at increased risk for skin cancer.
Another woman went to tanning salons on a regular basis. Several years later, she had wrinkles and leathery skin, and looked a lot older than she actually was.
A rookie cop was on patrol one night with an older colleague, when they saw a small tent pitched illegally near the beach. The colleague chuckles cynically and explains how to blackmail the young couple in the tent with the threat of prosecution so that the girl will agree to have sex with the cops. The rookie makes his excuses and on return to the station writes a report that gets the sleazy older cop hung out to dry. In an unexpected twist, the girl in the tent was not related to either of the cops.