If you go into a bathroom, turn out all the lights, look into the mirror and say “I believe in Bloody May” three times, you won’t see anything because it’s so dark.
The Beatles put Aleister Crowley on the cover of the Sgt. Pepper album because they thought it would freak people out.
If you listen to the lyrics of Ozzy Osbourne’s “Mr. Crowley”, you’ll discover that
Ozzy was actually criticizing Crowley as a deceiver.
The lyrics to “Stairway to Heaven” may have been cobbled together from some random British mystical concepts but are not actually found in any book of ritual magick.
Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald’s, was actually a devout Presbyterian- and may have admitted as such on national television.
Screaming child preacher Duffy Strode grew up to become … a down South family man whose social media page shows no religious inclination whatsoever.
I actually found Duffy Strode on a social media site… and decided to do nothing at all. Why bother the guy with what may be an embarrassing past?
(I may change my mind.)
Oh, the hippie babysitter & the turkey- I heard that when the parents got home, they found she had cooked a wonderful turkey dinner. Cooking was her hobby, she got really hungry, and she thought the parents would appreciate the leftover turkey over the next day or two.
This thread reminds me of “Twisted MAD Tales for Twisted MAD Readers.” 
A strange woman walks along the east side of the LA river crying and screaming in the night; any sound like that would scare us silly as kids, because we were told that she would take one of us to replace the baby she lost, and for whom she was crying.
Later I learned it was a story told all over the Southwest, and that she walked all over, and not just in East LA. Her name is La llorona.
A strange woman walks around in LA crying and screaming in the night. The traffic got to her so bad that she went crazy.
Or the smog.
A woman is walking out to her car in a parking lot, and notices a guy following her. She gets in her car and drives away, then, a few minutes later, looks in her rearview mirror, and the same guy is following her in his car. She drives all over town, but the guy keeps following her. Eventually, she drives home, and the guy follows her there. Her husband, who is an off-duty cop, comes out and holds the guy at gunpoint, asking why he’s been following his wife. When the guy can’t come up with a plausible explanation, the husband arrests him.
A high school hockey team bus hit a station wagon full of nuns. The nuns were all able to get out of the station wagon with only minor injuries, because they had been wearing their seat belts.
Someone bought a car from a used car dealer, and found that the trunk had a horrible smell. It turns out that the previous owner had forgotten a bag of groceries in the trunk and left the car parked in the hot sun for a week.
Two boys went walking in the woods. They stopped to drink some water out of a stream. A couple of weeks later, one of the boys had a terrible stomach ache that lasted a few weeks. His doctor did a culture from a stool sample and found that it was giardiasis, most likely contracted from the stream water. The doctor gave him Flagyl, and he got better.
A strange woman walks around in LA crying and screaming in the night. She is unfortunately a mentally ill homeless person.
In an episode of The Dick Van Dyke Show, Rob comes into the office on a Monday, wrinkles his nose and says “Has somebody been gardening in here?” It turned out that a carton of shrimp had been left in a cabinet over the weekend.
A friend of my Dad’s once saw an ad in the newspaper for a classic 1971 Camaro for only $500. When he went to take a look it turned out there was a strange horrible smell that permeated the car no matter what the owner did. Also, it was up on blocks, the engine was missing, and all the windows and body panels were smashed in.
A young woman visited Hawaii. The day before she went home she went snorkeling and swallowed a bunch of seawater. When she came home she noticed that her stomach was swelling. She went to the doctor in a panic. It turned out she had gotten pregnant when she had unprotected sex with a bartender she met her third night there. The doctor also told her that she had tested postive for HPV, a sexually transmitted infection that affects 70% of sexually active adults, but is frequently asymptomatic.
A scientist invented a car that runs on water. Because it didn’t work very well as either a car or a boat, it didn’t sell.
In the song Love Roller Coaster by Ohio Players, there is a scream during one of the musical interludes. It was meant to bring to mind what you might hear at an amusement park near the roller coaster ride.
Unfortunately, the parents had purchased the turkey for a family reunion the following week, and made the babysitter pay for a new turkey, which cost more than than what she would have been paid for that night’s work.
While vacationing in Mexico, a young couple happened across an odd-looking cactus in the desert. Because the plant looked both beautiful and unusual, they decided to dig it up, re-pot it and take it home with them.
A few weeks after returning home, a friend who was an expert on desert flora happened to be visiting the couple, and they asked him if he’d like to take a look at their discovery.
“It’s really a very interesting looking cactus, but I’ve always wondered about the vibrating,” explained the wife.
“Vibrating?” said the friend, with a slight edge in his voice.
“Yes,” continued the wife, “every now and then the whole plant seems to vibrate and quiver. We thought perhaps you could tell us why.”
When they entered the room where the cactus was, the friend suddenly got an alarmed look on his face. He explained to the couple that if they kept the plant on top of the clothes dryer it would eventually fall off and make a huge mess.
If you put a frog in a pan of cold water and slowly raise the heat, it will jump out long before the water gets hot enough to do any harm. Frogs don’t like to sit still for very long.
A girl who is a virgin can’t get pregnant without having sex first.
(Or unless she uses artificial insemination.)
In 1963 John F. Kennedy gave a speech in West Berlin, just 22 months after the Berlin Wall had been built. An emotional highlight of the speech was Kennedy proclaiming Ich bin ein Berliner–“I am a Berliner”. The people of West Berlin, surrounded by hostile Communist forces, appreciated this rhetorical act of solidarity.
Barack Obama is constitutionally ineligible to be President on January 21, 2017.