Must I know her last name?

In My Humble Opinion
1

First, a bit of background: I’m 20, living at home for the summer, preparing to go back to school (in LA) at the beginning of September.

About two weeks ago I went to a movie with some friends, who also brought along a friend of theirs (this may or may not have been a setup by our mutual friends). I had met her before at a New Years party last winter, and we had a good time then. That evening, this girl and I hit it off, and I asked her out. We again had a great time, and we’ve been dating for the last two weeks.

A few days ago, I invited her over to watch a movie, and my Mom asked me who she was. I responded that she was the friend of (our mutual friend) and told Mom a bit about her. She asked me what her last name was. I told her that I didn’t know.

Wow. Was that ever the wrong thing to say.

Motherofthewalrus: What! You’re inviting this person over to my house, and you haven’t even asked her what her last NAME is?

Iamthewalrus: Why would I ask what her last name is? It’s not like I have to write her checks or send letters.

Motherofthewalrus: But you don’t even know who she IS!

Iamthewalrus: What do you want? Her blood type? A list of references? I don’t know her any more or less because I don’t know her last name.

And so on.

When I told her this story, she said that she got the same treatment from her mother the first time she was going on a date with me. She had to call our mutual friend to get my last name.

Is it strange that we don’t seem to care? How important is it to know someone’s last name? I keep thinking that a last name is not especially helpful information. Although I know many people’s last names, I don’t generally address adults by their last names, nor do I refer to people by their last names, except maybe for purposes of clarification. Even then, I’m more likely to add descriptive information about that person.

Also, just to put any who share my Mom’s hysterical outlook on this subject at ease, I do know her last name now.

2

I have to agree with you. It’s not like her having a last name decreases the chances of her being crazy and homocidal. Not that I’m suggesting she is either of those things.

3

But, but - you could be related to her and not even know it!!

4

I think your mother may be partially right.

If you don’t know their last name, chances are you haven’t taken the time to get to know them. And the chances are greater that this person you don’t know is a serial killer.*

Of course, there’s also the “middle name” rule in regards to sex: If you haven’t bothered to learn the persons middle name, you don’t know them well enough to have sex**

*Yes, I suppose its theoretically possible to be close friends with someone for years without finding out their last name, but if that were the case it would be kind of weird.

**Just a guideline, don’t take this advice to mean that a quick swapping of middle names with a stranger is necessarily enough.

5

I agree with your mom…I always gave my daughter the example that when the police take me to view her dismembered body and to ask me who she was out with that fateful night, I need to be able to say “John Smith was the guy she’d been seeing” (and preferably to be able to say John Smith of 123 North rd, license #RM1233456, Social Security #123-45-6789, phone # (123)456-7890, who works at ABC widgets on Main St.) rather than be pilloried in the press for saying, “um, she was out with some guy she called Tweak”.

And what if she has three friends named John? How will she know which one is which when they call, if she doesn’t know their full names? Not everyone is good at recognizing voices on the phone. And sometimes they call, and I take a message…" uh, tell her John called". And then she asks me “which John?” Since we haven’t gotten around to hooking up the videophone yet, I can’t say “John-with-the-short-blonde-hair” but I can say “John Smith” (because you know I’ll ask him), which will do her no good at all if she doesn’t know the John-with-the-short-blonde-hair has a last name and it’s Smith!

6

Oh, I feel for you. I know my friends on a first name basis. Last name is seldom something that I think of, even if I do know them. Case in point, my friend Mikah. I have know her the last year, but didn’t know her last name until a month ago, when I went to visit.

Other case in point: most recent girlfriend. I asked her out, and the next day realized that I didn’t know her last name and thus could not even call her. Wow, did my friends give me a ribbing for that one.

Anyway, even though it’s preferable to know, it doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t know them well enough and are totally inattentive. But, of course, it could mean that… :wink:

7

Strikes me as a bit odd that after two weeks of dating you hadn’t gotten around to swapping last names.

Mom’s reaction may have been on the hysterical side, but it was not an irrational viewpoint. There’s something a bit unsettling about having a adult whose last name is unknown in your house. It conjures up an image of someone just met on the way over, maybe a bum picked up off the street, about whom nothing is known–including possible intentions against one’s property or person. A last name provides a modicum of psychological relief from that image.

I imagine it seems silly to you that anyone would entertain suspicions about the young lady, whom I’m sure you feel comfortable with. But there have been occasions in this world where acquaintances not very well known have turned about to be crooks of some sort. Your Mom has a lot invested, monetarily and emotionally, in her house. She has a lot to lose in a worst-case scenario, and it’s only prudent to be a little careful about who she lets in the place.

8

I’ve known my husband for 27 years and he doesn’t know my middle name. Which is just as well, for it is an old-style name.

9

I’m curious how you think the subject should come up? As I said, I don’t need her last name for anything. She is the only person I know with that first name, and I have no trouble recognizing her on the phone. Should I just say “Hey, lets share last names. You first.” (for the record, this is essentially how I did it, but it felt… strange).

Blalron, what do I get for knowing her middle initial?

10

Maybe I’m weird for doing this, but I always have a policy whereby I ask such questions on the second or third date, if it hasn’t been brought up already.

It’s a good icebreaker to ask “So, we’ve been on a couple dates. Maybe we should learn each others last names?”

Call me old fashioned, but I’m getting into a relationship, especially one that’s semi-serious and involves intimate physical contact, I should know that persons full name and date of birth. To not take the time to learn such things would reflect a certain shallowness on my part.

Partial credit.

11

Posted by Gary T “Strikes me as a bit odd that after two weeks of dating you hadn’t gotten around to swapping last names.”

Strikes me as totally weird! Not for any reasons of safety or anything like that. How can you feel like you “know” someone without knowing their last name? Do you know her phone number and address? I would have thought a “What’s your last name?” would have come long before swapping phone numbers and such.
Or then, maybe I’m just out of it these days.

12

In the military the reverse is true. Since your last name is plastered on your chest for the world to see, finding out someone’s first name (at work you’re only known by your rank and last name) was a chore. This spilled over into the social life for us single slobs in the barracks. I once roomed with a guy for a year and only knew him by last name and his nickname. For the most part we called each other by last name only.

At a recent DopeFest I attended all of us introduced ourselves by first name only (though I knew the last name of the host by virture of exchanging emails). Here was a guy that had five strangers (okay, four) at his house and probably didn’t know any of our last names.

To the OP: In this day of cyberage you probably could have rattled off her email address in place of her last name. That should have taken your mother back a few steps.

13

A last name can reveal a lot, according to MamaIm2evil4u. My mother, now in her 70’s was like that when I was a teen. I’ve finally realized what the hubbub was all about after, ironically, a conversation we had very recently.

Im2evil4u - So what difference did it make? They were all losers anyhow.

Mom - Yes, but they could have been… you know, different.

Im2evil4u - Different? What mom, a space alien? This is my boyfriend Zorak. Pay no attention to the fact that his genitals are on his forehead. He’s a great guy.

Mom - Don’t be a smart a**. How was to I know what type of person he is if I didn’t know his last name. What if his last name was Jackson or Berkowitz

Im2evil4u - So what would have been so bad if I was dating the King of Pop, the Son of Sam or William the Mutilator McDonald?

Mom - I’m ending this conversation. Have a nice day at work.

Im2evil4u - or what about a Gotti or a Simpson or better yet how about a Manson?

Mom - click

In my situation, it was purely based on ethnicity. Back in the day your parents expected you to marry your “own kind” and this carries on, I guess.

14

Update from 4 minutes ago - now that I’m married (not planning children yet) but if I do become a parent I’d like to know the last name of someone my child is dating. Keep in mind I’m thinking like a “parent”

  • Aww gawd forbid somethin’ horrible happ-ends to you what would the pooolice go awwnn?
15

You got married in the last 4 minutes?? :eek:

16

How do you google her if you don’t know her last name?

17

To clarify a bit: I’m not against knowing her last name, it’s just that there wasn’t any reason I could think of for asking it, so it didn’t come up. I was just startled at the strong reaction of my mother, and wondered if maybe I should have been more interested. It seems to me that the responses I’ve gotten so far have split down age/parent lines (as well as I can guess), which is what I thought might happen.

In response to those who have asked, yes I knew her phone number (got it on the first date, as it made setting up later dates so much easier. As romantic as sprinkling the city with flyers would have been…) and I know her email address. I don’t know her address, exactly, but I know where her house is. I’ve driven there several times, but always at night, so I noticed landmarks other than the house number.

Zebra, Thanks for reminding me. Alas, she has the same name as a playwright, so google did not get me anything interesting.

18

Iamthewalrus wrote: “It’s not like I have to write her checks…”

Maybe not now, my friend. But just you wait.

19

Well, then I certainly hope you haven’t had sex yet :slight_smile: .

20

Heh. When I was making plans to go to Bamadope IV, I happened to mention my plans to my mom. I was going to stay with bobkitty, whose real first name I knew. My mom asked me what her last name was; I told her I didn’t know.

Well. She didn’t exactly react the way your mom did, iamthewalrus(:3=, but she was definitely…concerned. So I dutifully e-mailed bobkitty to tell her about the situation. Her response (besides telling me her last name) was “Heh. I love moms.”

I’m going with that sentiment. Moms…gotta love 'em. :slight_smile:

PS–I’m 33 years old. So moms never grow out of this sort of behavior. :smiley: