internet lazy abbreviation. And yes I meant Faux Pas.
Well, yes they should, but every set of twins i’ve ever met have always gone to everything together. I thought taking twins as a set was always the default because that’s all i’ve ever seen, granted i don’t know any sets of adult twins but as children and teens i knew several and they were always together.
My brother has twin girls. They are adults now, but have always been a pair.
I’ll agree that it’s a twin thing and not an Indian thing. I would not hesitate to include the twin sister. I would probably even insist on it if I knew. Kids remember being left out and it hurts a lot.
I agree, twin thing. Invite, and welcome, the other. If they were 18 instead of 8 it would be different.
No, it would be rude if she just fronted up with the two of them. Asking you was the right thing to do
I understand the subtlety of this but in this case the other twin was not glued at the hip at school or play. If they were truly close then the child would know her by association.
What?
No, it’s rude to put a host on the spot like that. If you’re not invited, you’re not invited. It doesn’t matter if your twin sibling was or if no one in your house was. It doesn’t matter if it’s a kid’s birthday party or someone’s wedding.
People need to get it through their heads that:
- You’re not special.
- Your kid isn’t special.
- Just because you shared a womb, you’re not special.
- Whatever other excuse you can make up, doesn’t make you special.
She didn’t put the person on the spot, they had every oppetuinity to say no. It might have been rude, but it’s hardly horrid
how is that even in any way rude? the mother had acknowledge the imposition, requested permission and offered to pay for extra expenses. you said yes - do the proper thing, honour your word and welcome the other twin instead of half-arsing it. this especially since it comes at little to no cost or fuss to you.
I am the older sister of twins, and i think it’s rude to call and ask. It’s great that she’s paying but it’s a bit off.
We had many joint parties when they were very young, but they will start having separate sets of friends soon. You can treat them as a set for awhile but eventually they become separate people and liking different things.
Asking to be invited to a party is generally considered rude. It puts the host on the spot for not having invited you. Offering to pay makes it even worse.
Often the reason you are not invited is because you are not wanted, whether due to being a stranger or being disliked. While it’s possible that money was the reason someone had to be left out, it’s often not the case.
The problem is that, once the person has asked, and especially if they’ve added stuff to try to make it more reasonable, it becomes very rude to say no. The OP (and wife) obviously indicate that they did not want to say yes, but felt pressured into doing so. Pressuring someone to do something they don’t want to do is rude.
Plus the OP’s wife never said she was invited to party, (something which you apparently missed), only the movie, and the mom is assuming it anyway. It is quite rude to assume you are invited to something. Again, you are trying to swindle your way into something.
The fact that this is the mom asking makes it worse. What do you think she would have told the twin who was invited if the OP’s wife said no? Do you really think she’s going to blame it on her insistence that both her daughters attend? No, she’s going to blame it on the OP and his wife, and that very likely would create tension between the two friends. At least if it’s the twin herself asking, you can maybe explain it to her yourself. But in this case?
Perhaps just asking to be invited would be acceptable. Pushing like this is not. She clearly is aware of the social faux pas, or she wouldn’t be trying to sweeten the deal by offering to pay. She knows that what she is doing is creating an imposition, and she knows that the OP and wife can’t really say no. Taking advantage of that is rude.
The OP never had a choice: the woman was essentially telling them that they had to invite both, and she apparently won. You’re right that they don’t really have a choice now, but the idea that it’s the “honourable” thing to do? Ha.
reconsidering that they don’t even have the same friends, maybe i’m assuming too much. still, i can’t picture anyone wanting to separate 8-year-old twins. imagine being the parent trying to cheer the one stuck at home while the other half goes off to the awesome party and movie with her friends.
i see that rude here is subjective, but please don’t take it out on the child.
I don’t think the other little girl should have to have been included. I assume we are talking about identicals? Maybe if they were fraternal they aren’t quite as close?
But don’t take my opinion seriously, I don’t even have kids, much less twins, and the social dynamics of children are beyond me.
I have heard that twins like to do everything together, and in our town there was a good example of that. I shopped at a small, family grocery in the late 70’s, run by two brothers, identical twins. Their wives were identical twin sisters. Both families lived in the same big duplex house they built, one on either side. Talk about togetherness.
This sucks, but big whoop. Life is full of this type of unfairness. The solution isn’t to avoid the inevitable but to get both twins used to the idea that just because one sister gets invited to a party doesn’t mean the other isn’t unwanted. Just that she didn’t get invited.
Middle school was when my twin and I started getting faced with life’s inequalities. When my sister’s science class got to go to Huntsville, AL, I begged her teacher if I could go too and was denied. It hurt that my sister was going to be able to go on such an awesome trip and I was going to be stuck at home. My mother didn’t intercede on my behalf or force my sister to stay home. She simply smoothed things over by taking me out to dinner and to a movie. Which may seem like a small consolation prize, but it was the first time I’d ever got to spend such quality time with my mother, all by myself. The next year, when I got to go to Florida and my sister didn’t, she got the same treatment. Really, we shouldn’t have had to wait for once-a-year field trips to be given “individual” time with our own mother, but that’s how it worked out for us.
I think the OP should just roll with it and not view it as an imposition, because the two girls–being twins–will probably add to the entertainment factor of the whole event. But separation has to happen and I think eight is a good age to be trying it out.
My twin and I are fraternal. We were joined at the hip regardless. Identical twins aren’t inherently closer, IMHO. It’s just that their interchangeable appearance makes it easier for people to view them as inseparable…which in turn enforces the idea to the twins that they ARE inseparable. I think if my sister and I hadn’t looked as similar as we did growing up, we probably would have been raised more “individualistically”.
Thanks for all the input.
To clarify, my wife and I didn’t even know my daughter’s friend was a twin, much less that she even had a sister. My daughter knew of the twin but had never met her, just had her pointed out once on the playground as her friend’s sister. The sisters are in different classes and presumably, have some friends that are different.
Also, no, it won’t make a difference to us financially. That wasn’t really the point of my question. The thing that really surprised us about the whole incident was how forceful the mother acted by basically telling us she’d bring her other daughter over at the start of the party, after we clearly hadn’t invited her to do so. If she had approached it differently, by saying “I really hate to ask you this, but see, D1 is a twin, and if it wouldn’t be too much of an imposition, would it be OK if her sister came to the party as well? We’ll pay for her movie ticket. I realize you weren’t expecting to have another girl at the party but if it’s not too much trouble, it would mean a lot to D2. I totally understand if you can’t accommodate her. Thanks so much and please let me know if I can help with the party or anything.”
Instead, we were essentially told that we would include D2. It was just off-putting.
Why is it different? Is one more person for cake and ice cream really different from one more person for burgers and beer? And if it were a friend of yours wanting to bring someone along, would you expect them to be so diffident about asking? If not, why not?
Not wanting to split up twins is a pretty common thing. I think it’s kind of rude and shitty not to invite kids of the same age and sex who are in the same grade at the same school and live in the same house, whether those kids are twins, stair-steps, or step-siblings. Not insurmountable, but it would definitely get you talked about around here. That’s totally not an Indian thing.
Being what we would consider a little on the pushy side…that’s an Indian thing, ime. They just have different social norms about what’s normal and what’s pushy.
I think it was kinda weird to invite the other girl to just come to the movies. I know your wife was trying to find a solution on the spot but I think it would have better to just tell the other mom you understand if both girls can’t make it. She did give you that out, she hadn’t confirmed for either girl yet. So yeah, I could understand why she was confused on that point.
Generally speaking you don’t invite people to only one part of a party. It’s one thing if you have 3 girls over to the house, and then take the whole class to the movies, but that’s different than having 1 person out of 11 be the one who wasn’t welcome at the whole thing. I wouldn’t do that with adults, let alone 8 year olds.
I have 13 year old twin girls, one of whom is more popular than the other. There have been plenty of occasions where only one has been invited to a party and plenty where the other twin was included even when she wasn’t close with the birthday girl. There were lots of parents who didn’t know they were twins and would include the other at the last minute. I can see how that mother might feel…it breaks my heart every time my daughter is excluded from something…but never in a million years would I ask, never mind insist on her being included.
When they were little, generally every one in the grade was invited to every birthday party. Gradually it was just the girls and eventually, around age 8 or 9, the birthday girl was allowed to choose her guests.
Twins are two people not a thing attached at the hip. Sooner or later they will have to learn to be apart, no matter how close they are.
We had twins in school when I was growing up, I knew once set, I liked Amy but her sister Beth was a total jerk. They were identical twins and Beth sat home and whined about no one liking her. Which was because she was a jerk who thought she should be able to ride of Amy’s personality.
This was junior high and Amy was FUN. Beth was not. I think the OP should stick to her guns. It’s rude to force an invite or bring extra uninvited guest.
The mother of the twin should be using this as an opportunity to teach her children, they will have times, where one benefits. After all they will soon be competing (hopefully friendly competition) in life