My wife and I got married when I was 38 and she was 18. We met on the internet. We have been married almost four years now, and have two children.
Many people who don’t know us are scandalized by this. But the two of us get along very well because of compatability in maturity levels, interests and priorities. We discussed the age difference at the beginning of our internet relationship and decided that it didn’t matter. We conversed by IM, e-mail and telephone for seven months before deciding that we should meet face to face. We got married ten months after we met. We get happier every day.
In my experience, relationships run into trouble when there is a maturity gap or a large difference in mindset or priorities. If a relationship begins with a physical attraction, there is always the risk of it failing because that is a very superficial way to start things off. How many of you have noted after a few weeks that the other person is “attractive but ________” and been disappointed?
Was I looking for young flesh? No. Was she looking for a daddy? No. Are people who say these things looking for a justification to look down on a relationship they don’t understand? Yes.
DISCLAIMER: I am 28, not 18, so my experience may not be comparable.
I have two (female) friends my age who are in relationships with men in their fifties. It was all a bit oogy for me to begin with but I’m really getting used to it.
Both men have daughters nearly the age of their partners (extra-oogy!), but both daughters and partners seem quite happy with the arrangement.
I’ve met both men in question: they are plain-looking middle-aged men, with ordinary incomes and regular lives. They are not rich hunks, or pedophiles, or creepy, or any of those things.
I remember when the one friend told me she had met someone. She was starry-eyed and wobbly, and on about this guy who made her laugh, and who was fun and interesting, who really understood her, and generally knocked her off her feet. The thing is, she went on to say, he’s in his fifties.
We were all quite shocked. Her main concern was with ‘what people might think.’
The thing that seems to really bother both of them about the age gap is the whole ‘starting a family’ issue - when you are at that stage when you might want to start having kids, and your life partner has already raised a family and isn’t prepared (physically, emotionally, spiritually) to raise another one, what do you do?
Well, I think that goes without saying- it’s only natural to be physically drawn to a sexy 19 year old, but that’s why the Lord made American Express and the term “Personal Services”. I’m not just saying that either: it’s in the Bible in the Book of Laotians or Lactations or somewhere. ;j
I see no issue here. Might be it won’t last long, but then? Short lived relationship happen all the time. Is he motivated primarily by lust? Maube. And then? Plenty of men and woman are when they choose a partner. Might be someone will get hurt. But then? Romances end with someone getting hurt all the time. Is the girl more likely to be hurt than the guy? Doesn’t seem obvious to me. She can very well leave him for a younger mate tomorrrow. I would actually suspect it’s more likely than the other way around. And maybe it will last. One of my colleagues had been happily married with a man 20 years older than her (she was 20, he was 40) for twenty years.
If they’re satisfied with their choice, that’s great for them. I can’t see the point in trying to spoil their romance and/or lust. What I would say? I don’t know…That I’m pleased to know he met a woman he’s happy with, perhaps?
Professionally, I’m going to say that it wouldn’t really fly at my institution. There’s no policy involved, but the professor would definitely be looked down upon by his colleagues (and probably with some secret envy, too, but whatever). A couple of years ago, there was some talk that maybe there would be a policy, and we put some off-the-record feelers out to the faculty, and while reaction was mixed about a professor dating a grad student, it was nearly unaminous that undergrads should be off-limits.
Personally, I’m going to go with “none of your business.” I confess that my initial reaction was “Oogy!” but hey, neither of them are dating me. I know a couple, friends of friends sort of thing, that have a comparable age difference – he is an older professional gentleman, she married him after her high school graduation. Despite my first :eek: response, they have been married for a few years now and as far as I know, they are very happy. Go figure.
Besides, it’s not like you can tell people that are in the infatuation stage that their relationship is wrong. Like he’s gonna say “Oh my God, I never thought of it that way!” and run to break up with her.
The heart wants what it wants, what are ya gonna do?
Er…both? When I was 23 I had a really nice co-worker that was 37, and I eventually decided that though he was interesting- and was flirty- we didn’t have enough in common to pursue him. Not to mention him being closer to my mom’s age (she was 20 when I was born) than mine probably wouldn’t have gone over well with the family… I can see how she’d be attracted to him, and vice versa, but I have a harder time imagining it working out. They’re both grown ups though, so whatever they want is their business.
I just turned 38 and have been seeing a beautiful and vibrant woman of 27.
With an eleven-year difference, I sometimes will refer to things that she’s never even heard of. It doesn’t phase me, but I would think that would happen just about all the time with a 19 year old.
BTW, a (female) friend of mine has a formula. If a guy dates a girl who is less than [(1/2 * his age) + 7] it is, by definition, “icky.” At least that’s what she tells me. The relationship in the OP doesn’t pass this particular metric.
I really can’t say much for rationale, and even my own opinion is rather clouded (more by the student-teacher dimension than the age difference. Things would somehow feel different if they met at a club or something).
But I can say that a professor I have had for three classes recently told me the story of meeting his wife. He was the professor, she was an undergrad in his class. He was probably 45-50 at the time. That was twenty years ago. Somehow the 70-40 age difference doesn’t seem as bad as the 50-20, even if I can’t imagine any such thing for myself.
The age thing is purely societal. If he doesn’t care what other people think (and there will be a lot of them who will look at this thing with sidelong glances), he can go right ahead.
But he needs to know that it ain’t going to last. A nineteen-year-old student isn’t done growing up yet.
Also, tell him to watch the movie Election. It’s a good flick.*
*As I finished typing this, I just realized the pun — which only people who have seen the movie will even “get.”
Very, very true. And yet, relationships in general break up more often than stick together, and people get hurt. If we’re concerned about people getting hurt, we ought to disapprove of all dating.
My initial reaction is that the professor is preying on naive college girls…but that’s not necessarily true. The girl could be more mature than the professor, and is just as likely to hurt him as to get hurt herself. It really depends on the people involved. If a 19 year old girl was dating a 20 year old guy, no one would bat an eye, because we’d all trust the 19 year old girl to be able to make her own choices…and there’s nothing about dating a 38 year old guy that makes her suddenly incapable of looking out for herself.
Pretty much anything goes as long as both parties are honest with each other about their intentions and feelings. If they both want to quench their libidos, good for them. If they both want to marry, then good for them. If they both want different things, then they’ll have to suffer through that just like anyone else, regardless of age differences.
FWIW, my parents met at 22 & 40. Dad had been married before and although separated for some time, was not yet divorced. He had a daughter (well, her parentage was always under debate) who lived with her mom. The daughter married very young.
They met at night school, during a smoke break. After dating for as few weeks, Mom told him to go get divorced or forget it. He disappeared for several months and came back, papers in hand. He eventually moved into the house as a boarder. The place he was in at the time was pretty crappy and Mom just hauled him home. That wasn’t really unusual. My mom was still at home, living with my grandmother and two uncles. They’d had several boarders before. Dad had the upstairs room while Mom stayed in her own. Their engagement ended up lasting for four years until one night they decided to just go for it, hunted up a minister and did the deed. I was born a year and three months later. They never did move into their own house. My uncles married and moved on and Dad just took over as the man of the house.
The marriage lasted until Dad passed away twenty-seven years later. It was mostly okay although Dad’s health gave out and Mom developed some issues. That’s a whole other post. The other thing besides the age thing was that Dad, although very well built, was about 5’4" and Mom was just shy of 5’11". You can imagine the looks they got!
Anyway, I don’t think the situation with the 19 and 38yo couple is all that oogy. Here’s at least one example of it working out fairly well. Of course, they were dating in the Fifties and I suspect the cultural differance wasn’t so great in those days. Things hadn’t changed so much between her teens and his.
