Help! My ass has just about reached critical mass. Soon its gravitational force will begin to pull smaller bodies into its orbit. I’m awaiting the development of an atmosphere.
Well, okay, perhaps I exaggerate just a bit. But I caught sight of my butt in the mirror this morning as I was getting dressed, and this is not the butt I remember. I panicked briefly, wondering if some thief had come in the night to steal my ass and replace it with an ass of clearly inferior quality.
I’m getting the “blubs”. You know of what I speak- the “blub, blub” quality of an ass out of shape. The superflous butt mass which spills over the edges of chairs. My yoga and tai ch’i are not helping. While calming, toning practices, they don’t really focus on the structural integrity of the ass. My horseback riding is also not helping- while I’m rather pleased with my thighs, the butt has become a baby orca trapped in my jeans. So while I’m pretty happy with the rest of me, the ass has got to go. My negligence of this crucial body part has caused it go super-nova. Please help me.
Does anyone have any good exercises or just stuff to do which will help rectify this unfortunate ass situation? In a moment of weakness I actually considered purchasing one of those “Buns of Steel” videos. I’ve had a life-long desire to be able to bounce spare change off my rear end. Suggestions? Things are getting desperate. The tv remote has been lost for days. I shudder to think where it may have gone.
Do NOT buy the buns of steel video. Well, unless it’s changed a lot. I bought the buns of steel video (from the mid nineteen nineties, I think) and the “instructor” is a sexist male pig. I get nauseas listening to his little tips, and his anecdotes of encouragement.
Through careful diet and exercise, I’ve managed to stop my ass from spreading as yours was. Believe me, it doesn’t need to get any bigger. I searched the internet for some ways to work it out, and it turns out squats are the best way.
Do squats. Don’t lower your knees past about 90º though. Go slowly, and don’t bounce at the bottom. They burn a ton of calories, and add muscle, which burns more fat just by existing.
Since you’re already horseback riding, I recommend spending a lot of time practicing the two-point position. You can also do an exercise (this might be hard if you ride western) where you drop your feet out of the stirrups, and open your hip joint as much as possible, so that your thigh is as close to perpendicular as you can get it. Your foot will be behind you, and you’ll effectively be using your glutes to pull your leg back. Incidentally, it’s also great for your riding position and balance.
Also, walking lunges, stair master, and plie squats are all excellent for the tightening of the arse region. Unfortunately, as always, these exercises will only tone the muscle, and good old cardiovascular exercise is necessary to burn the excess fat.
Diet is important, too. The Zone is great for quick, healthy deflating.
My suggestion is to walk or run it off. By walking I mean as fast as you can almost to the point of breaking into a jog. You might also try finding long flights of stairs and use those as an excersizing practice. This is getting pretty popular where I live.
The one for Hips and Behind works. It’s quite difficult to do at first, but it helped me quite a bit and it’s only 20 minutes long. You know when you are done that you have worked those butt muscles good.
I also bought the Ana Caban beginning Pilates video - which does have some leg exercises in it, and does a good job of toning you all over:
If you want to try before you buy, go to your local video store and see what exercise videos they have there - renting one and trying it a few times will help you figure out if you like that video enough to keep doing it. My local Blockbuster has the Buns of Steel video, along with the more comprehensive workout tapes by Cher, Denise Austin, Jane Fonda, et. al.
I will never have a nice ass - I didn’t even as a skinny teenager, but it has gone from a hideous white gelantinous mass to a smaller, firmer white mass …
But it’s only in my ass! The rest of me is cool, I think. Maybe I’m just growing a buttoqueria. My mom is skinny with a big butt and hips. I’m think I’m headed that way. I’ve always been on the small side, and I’ve stayed the same, except for the butt. I have a small waist, upper body, and legs, but the ass is just…massive. (I’m tellin’ ya, if it were 1880, I’d be the hottest chick on the boardwalk!) But I’m so disproportionate. I long to be lean and muscular.
Thanks for the advice. So far today I have run up and down my stairs a few times and done some squats. I can definitely work this into my routine. And I ride English, so I’ll be doing the no-stirrups gig. Which really improved my thigh muscles, so I’m hopeful it will help the ass. I also have a ThighMaster. Do you think this could help?
Actually, if you want to add more muscle, you should do full ass-to-ankle squats (i.e., bring your butt as close to the floor as you can). Dig your heels in like your knees depend on it (they do), and you’ll be fine.
God help me, I certainly don’t mean to look, but sometimes I’ve noticed that some older men seem to have no ass at all. It’s just a straight line, or even concave, from their belt to their shoes. I figure there must be a Law of Conservation of Ass in the universe, where the total amount of ass remains constant, it just migrates from one person to another.
Some years back I actually managed to get more benefit out of one single ass exercise than everything else put together.
Lie on floor on your back, up on your elbows, with knees bent at a 90 degree angle, with butt on the floor.
Pick up butt, squeeze hard for a count of 5, then relax and lower.
Repeat as many times as you can.
Which reminds me – need to add this one back into my exercise program…as my boss once said, “I’m still carrying the same load, but the cargo has shifted!”
I have my german grandmother’s body (rest her soul, her fat ass, flabby upper arms, oh yeah and what is up with the mustache I am suddenly sporting?) so I can at least see where it came from. I just ordered an exercise video, it tells me I will lose ten pounds…but I was sort of hoping to coax some of the fat from my hiney back up into my deflated breasts…will standing on my head help??? I commiseraste…Margo
