If you can make it happen, SmartAleq’s idea is freaking awesome.
I met my husband in college at the start of our sophomore year. I got really nervous about dating so seriously in college, even cheated on him as a way of “acting out” on these feelings (I was also suffering from depression at the time, but it was still an awful thing to do). We worked through that. Today we’ve been married for over a decade and are both 40 years old; we were an item that whole time, but just didn’t rush the getting married part. He’s my absolute best friend and still an awesome guy.
You might well have already decided and are just trying to convince yourself, but really, if you could manage to go on an adventure in the process, that might well make the results worth it regardless of what happens with the guy.
It sounds to me like you are in a relationship where the magic is gone, but you are not ready for the stable adult commitment that is supposed to replace the thrill.
This is normal. I hate biological determinism, but I think the three year mark is not random…it’s about the time it takes to have and raise a kid past babyhood. After that point, the strength of the bond starts waning, sexual attraction decreases and our brains prepare us for other prospects.
I’ve been there a number of times, and when I look back at each time, I regret not getting out sooner. I spent a lot of my early 20’s in committed-but-not-really-leading-to-marriage " relationships. All I can think of is all the opportunities I passed up because I was busy playing house and investing myself in something that I knew full well wasn’t going anywhere. I could have travelled, nurtured friendships, moved for career opportunities…all kinds of stuff. And I didn’t because I was too lazy/scared to find a way out of something that had become comfortable but unfulfilling.
As soon as I finally did get up the nerve to be single, all of my other dreams suddenly started coming true. Unfortunately, I’ll always be quite a few years older than my peer group because I wasted so much time investing in something I didn’t even believe in.
I think for you, the break-up will happen eventually…unless you are ready for kid or have a huge need for security, you are not going going to get any happier in this arrangement. You are just going to get more of the same until you finally do get up the courage to try something else. If it’s going to happen eventually, might as well do it now. It’s just going to get harder and harder to go and easier and easier to stay the more time you let pass by.
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I agree. I would also add that a lot of times people do things they wouldn’t normally do when they’re grieving. It may be that some of this detachment from the dude might be due to just the emotional turmoil of having all these significant losses recently.
Personally, I went through a phase in my early 20s where I really was into douche-like, pretty boy narcissistic musicians. After a few really horrible experiences I finally decided that I was tired of the drama and found a good-hearted stable guy who I do think is the right one for me (even though he does annoy me sometimes and sometimes I do wonder if it really is the right call, I never find myself feeling like “Why am I with this douche?” like in the old days).
I don’t know if everyone has to go through some douches to appreciate the nice ones or not, though. 21 is pretty young to make a serious commitment, so I definitely would make it clear to him that you are not willing to get married anytime soon. If he is upset about the idea of waiting a long time to get married then maybe that will solve the problem itself.