Ignore Diogenes the Cynic, SadDad. We are all very sorry for your loss. The support I got from a number of people here following my mother’s recent death was a real comfort to me, and I hope our condolences will bring some measure of comfort to you.
It’s difficult if not impossible to assess relative degrees of grief. Having been there myself, I’d say your advice to “man up a little bit” is, um, shall I say “less than helpful.” Since we’re not currently in the pit.
Of course it’s not as devastating as losing one’s five-year-old child. It’s still devastating. The whole notion of not allowing oneself to grieve properly is unhealthy. Give the guy a break, already. It’s been, like, what, 5 days?
My sincerest sympathies for you, SadDad.
This happened to me and my wife twice, and, like you, it happened (both times) after we already had one child. It was heartbreaking at the time, but over the years, we’ve come to discover how common it is for pregnancies to not go to full term. You’re not alone.
This isn’t an abortion debate. Part of losing a child is losing the hopes and dreams you wish for them and your relationship with them and this happens preborn, infant, toddler on up. Just because you personally don’t consider it a baby doesn’t mean many people don’t feel that way about their unborn…offspring.
I was going to answer but I don’t want to sidetrack this thread anymore. If anyone wants to take me to task they can Pit me. As you were.
SadDad, my heart really goes out to you. My wife and I have been through this as well; six losses at anywhere from 9 weeks to 21 weeks. The pain is unbearable, the anger insurmountable. You rage at the doctors, the universe, God.
I hated the people who told us to be thankful for the son we had. Or that we were young and could try again. Or that it was probably for the best because there was probably something wrong with the baby and nature was trying to take care of it. Or that it was God’s will.
I’m glad you were able to cry. Too many men feel it’s “unmanly” to do it. But remember it is OK to cry with your wife as well. When she gets home, hold her, talk with her, cry with her. Talk about the loss of your dreams, your hopes. Your innocence was shattered and you have to hold together, not pull apart.
Never forget your child. At that age you probably don’t know if the baby was a boy or girl, but go with your gut. Give your baby the name you wanted and always remember him/her. Give your wife flowers on the anniversary date; remember him/her on Mother’s day. We planted a rose bush for each of our lost children with a marker stone. They came into our lives and souls, changed us forever.
My wife and I attended meetings of SHARE, an organization for support of pregnancy and infant loss. The meetings got us together with other parents where we talked, cried and sometimes even laughed.
You will never forget. The pain will always be there; some days stronger, some less.
Your baby has left a mark in your hearts. Build a pearl from it, not a scar.
Diogenes the Cynic, keep in mind what forum you’re in.
Cajun Man
for the SDMB
SadDad, my condolences to you and your family.
I’m so sorry, SadDad. My condolences to you and your wife.
I’m very sorry SadDad. Don’t let anyone tell you that the grief you are feeling isn’t real. I had a miscarriage in the third month. It’s very, very heartbreaking. My best wishes to you and your family.
You sound grumpy today Dio. Why don’t you head down Snelling and hang out at the fair for the day?
I very sorry for your loss. I’m afraid nothing I can write would ease your pain, only time will make it bearable.
I’m really sorry for your loss, SadDad. I lost a baby at 11 weeks, it’s devastating.
Though I already had a son, I still think of that baby ever so often (29 years later), and I think of her as the daughter that I never had. Because of some medical problems, I was never able to have another child.
When I read your post, I cried with you for your loss. And for mine.
Be sure to tell your wife what you posted here. If you feel like crying, do so. My husband took his sorrow out on me- in the form of anger. I felt very alone going through all that, very desolate.
I’m feeling much better today, in no small part due to the many messages of support and understanding here. I appreciate everyone’s understanding and support.
Some of you who have read this thread have no-doubt also followed the Pit thread mentioned above. I skimmed it and I want to limit my response to correcting some misinformation that is creeping up over there. As to the main issue of what was said above, though, I’m not going to address it. If a bunch of people want to call him on what he said, so be it. Either way, I’m tough enough to scroll right on past it and not give it a second thought. The remainder of the comments here more than made up for it. It’s a non-issue to me.
Now, to correct the record:
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It was not a “hysterical pregnancy.” A whole line of reasoning has developed about how this wasn’t even a fetus and there never was going to be a baby. There was. There was not an embryo in the yolk sac at the precise time of the ultrasound, which I believe is called an anembryonic pregnancy. The embryo died at some point before the ultrasound. Some people, whether for religious, political, philosophical, or other reasons, will split hairs on whether that was a “baby” or not. I respect everyone’s right to have their own opinion, just as I have mine. This was my baby, both in the physical sense when discussing the embryo, and in the metaphorical sense when discussing the fact that it was supposed to be something that would live and breathe in the future. Both things were lost and that is what I am grieving. I would hope that even those who do not agree with me on how they would view these matters would understand that your views have absolutely zero to do with how I feel about it.
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Some people thought it was strange that my first post was on this subject. As someone theorized, I am a long-time lurker. Make that LONG-TIME lurker. Years and years. I don’t need to respond; I just enjoy reading. I stay almost exclusively in GQ, though, with the occasional trip to the Pit, and I have only wandered into MPSIMS a few times over the years. But I know how things work. I knew where to put my post. I can understand why some people were suspcious that a guest got things right and were therefore skeptical, and I only explain to tell you that I am real.
Last night, when I needed to vent and I didn’t have anyone else to vent to, I started writing. I wasn’t necessarily writing it for a post here, I was just writing. When I finished I was hesitant about sharing something so personal but I decided to put it out there and see what the response was. I’m glad I did.
Thanks again to everyone. And add my sympathies to everyone else who discussed their own experiences with loss.
Saddad, I am sorry for the treatment you received for your first post on this board and for the rudeness. And also for your loss. You’ve been lurking for a while, so I’m sure you know we’re not all like that. All the people defending you in the Pit thread - which it seems you’ve read - are ample evidence of that.
I mentioned it in the other thread, but I really do work for an organization that tries to fund research and new developments so every baby that is born is born healthy and full-term. I talk to plenty of women who have had miscarriages and their husbands, too. Of course their grief is real.
Plenty of people tell them, too. “It wasn’t a real baby.” “At least you have another.” I’m not sure what this stuff is supposed to accomplish. Should you just magically get over your grief? Is grief a switch? Are we just supposed to move on? I’m not sure why we can’t see each other as humans and realize that grief can be uncontrollable.
In addition I am as firmly pro-choice as people get…pro-choice, that means something. It means I’d like every wanted baby to be born to people who choose it, and for people not to be forced to have a child against their choice. So to me that means - if you wanted it, hoped for it, and dreamt dreams for it, then of course it was a real baby and of course it was a loss.
If anyone is reading this who still feels there was no lost baby, you can at least understand there was a loss. See here:
That is a loss, and it is profound. Saddad, all my sympathies to you and your wife. I am certainly not going to tell you at this point how to handle your grief! But if I may make a small suggestion…if you go to www.marchofdimes.com and type in “Share” in the search box, you will come to a website where others share their stories of their babies being born early, unhealthy, or not being born at all. You may want to share your story there, you may not. There are resources and information on bereavement. It is only a small suggestion and if I’ve overstepped myself I do apologize.
I miscarried at 15 weeks 6 years ago; I’d announced the pregnancy to everyone, heard the heartbeat and broken out some maternity pants. I was devastated then and even more so a few months later when, during a particularly trying moment with my toddler son, my mother say she ofter thought it was a good thing there wasn’t going to be another baby. What a bitch.
I tried pretty hard to get pregnant again and then found peace in my only child. It’s been at least a year since I’ve had any twinges of sadness about it. The pain goes away slowly.
I’m so sorry. I miscarried once very early on and it was hard enough. I can’t (and don’t want to try to) imagine your pain, and your wife’s after 12 weeks. And the timing of the business trip is just awful… what rotten timing. A friend of mine was with her husband and her little girl at Disneyland when she miscarried.
A friend of mine who is also a poster on this board had multiple failed pregnancies before finally having a wonderful pair of twins last year. It’s tragic and sad but don’t start second guessing your ability to have more kids later. (I have heard that a whole heck of a lot of people have miscarriages before they even know they’re pregnant… something in me wants to say it’s actually over 50% of all conceptions? Anyway the point is that a whole ton of people have healthy babies after having lost a pregnancy in the past.)
Saddad, I’m sorry I ever said anything. It was stupid for me to try to analyze or critique anything that was written in a state of grief. My apologies and my condolences.
Diogenes, I just want to say that, perhaps my earlier post was couched a bit wrong. Instead of saying is as heart wrenching, I should have said can be as heart wrenching. I don’t always disagree with your positions as I am pro-choice as well. I apologize if my post had anything to do with the subsequent train wreck.
And SadDad, hugs.
That’s all I got tonite.
Saddad the loss of a pregnancy is a great loss fraught with emotion. I had three miscarriages, all between 16 and 18 weeks. My heart broke each time, and there was a time of grief and sadness over each loss. I also had four (mostly) uneventful pregnancies which ended with babies. You and your wife need to allow your feelings to be validated, stay close as a family, and know that, though the loss never goes away completely, the edges dull with time. You and you wife are in my prayers.