It gets easier, but over time. I still have bouts of “Well, what if…” happen.
It gets easier to accept the loss, the hole might be harder to fill.
When I was 19, several friends of mine were in a car crash. It happened on New Year’s Eve. There was no alcohol involved - just incredibly heavy fog. The driver of the car couldn’t see the stop sign, and they were broadsided by a pickup truck.
Of the five people I knew in the car, there was one fatality - Davy, the one I was closest to (we had been planning to move in together, platonically though). He had just turned 17. Davy was the brightest, sweetest, funniest guy I knew. Whenever somebody dies people fall all over each other to say how much everybody loved them, but in his case, it was really true. After 12 1/2 years I’m still tearing up writing this about him.
One thing I found very helpful during the worst of it was to think of how much better off I was for the fact that I had known him at all. And to think of the sheer numbers of people who could say the same about him. To think of his life, and what he had given to the world, rather than dwelling on the loss caused by his death.
I don’t know if that will help you at all, but give it a try.
Best wishes J.
Wendy
I am so sorry, Joyfulgirl.
Losing someone you love that much has to be the worst thing we ever have to deal with. I am so glad that he knew you loved him.
My heart and my prayers go out to you.
Scotti
Joyfulgirl, I’m a Salt Lake Doper and I wanted to add my condolences here. I’m so sorry for your loss.
For the rest of us, here’s another link to info about the incident, from the local morning paper, The Salt Lake Tribune. Mon 05/28 edition.
http://www.sltrib.com/05282001/utah/101103.htm
Don
Corixidae, thank you for the kind words and the link. The other one was replaced with another story today, and so it isn’t really relevant.
To the rest of you, thank you so much. I really don’t think there’s anyway I can express my gratitude. I spent the day at the hospital visiting one of the other people who were in the car, and talking with friends who also knew Tony and Tigger. It really helped alot, and I’m doing much better than I was yesterday.
A friend of mine is also starting a web site dedicated to them. Not sure when it’ll be up, but when it is, I’ll post a link.
big hugs Nothing I can say except that my thoughts are with you, hon.
I’m so sorry. I wish there were something meaningful or touching I had to say, but everything that comes to mind has either already been said or sounds trite. But know that I’m deeply sorry for your loss. Please feel free to e-mail me or IM me if you like. And know that we’re all here for you.
Jonathan
I’m very sorry, Joyfulgirl.
Joyfulgirl,
I am wanting to help build that site. You know how to reach me, and I left you an e-mail. Let me know when things are less hectic.
I didn’t know them as well as you did. But I loved that kid, from what I knew of him, he sempt to have good intentions, and a good attitude.
Surely his story can and will be (as well as has been in many ways) a good lesson. Let’s put it up.
If this site has Tony persona, it will probably be a good site.
Get a hold of me soon! Please.
I am praying for the best for everyone, to learn and grow from this.
I’m sorry, Joyful. 
You know…in N’Orleans…they cry at births and rejoice at deaths…not for the death itself but for where your friend is bound. Here’s hoping you let him live long and strong in your memory…
**O Thou,
the Cause and Effect of the whole universe
the Source from whence we have come,
and the Goal toward which all are bound:
receive this soul, who is coming to Thee,
into Thy parental arms.
May Thy forgiving Glance heal his heart.
Lift him from the denseness of the earth.
Surround him with the Light
of Thine own Spirit.
Raise him up to heaven
which is his true dwelling place.
We pray Thee, grant him the blessing
of Thy exalted Presence.
May his life upon earth
become as a dream to his waking soul,
and let his thirsting eyes behold
the glorious vision of Thy Sunshine.**I tried to reply to this earlier to offer my sympathies and my heart to you but I just couldn’t. My other Mom died last month in a horrible pointless car accident and it was just too much to take. I know your hurting alot right now and if you need anything e-mail me even just to curse and talk about how unfair it is. Anything at all, I am here.
I’m so sorry, Joyfulgirl.
I’ve learned-
that we dont have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.
I’ve learned-
that no matter how good a friend is,
they’re going to hurt you every
once in a while and you must forgive
them for that.
I’ve learned-
that true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.
I’ve learned-
that you can do something in an instant
that will give you a heartache for life.
I’ve learned-
that it’s taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.
I’ve learned-
that you should always leave loved ones
with loving words. It may be the last
time you see them.
I’ve learned-
tat you can keep going
long after you can’t.
I’ve learned-
that we are responcible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.
I’ve learned-
that you either control your attitude
or it controls you.
I’ve learned-
that regardless of how hot and
steamy a relationship is at first
the passion fades and there had
better be something else to take
it’s place.
I’ve learned-
that heroes are people
who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consiquences.
I’ve learned-
that my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best of time.
I’ve learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I’ve learned-
that sometimes the people that you expect
to kick you when you’re down,
will be the ones to help you get back up.
I’ve learned-
that sometimes when I am angry
I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn’t give me
the right to be cruel.
I’ve learned-
that just because someone doesn’t love
you the way you wnt them to doesn’t
mean they don’t love you with all they have.
I’ve learned-
that maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you’ve had
and what you’ve learned from them
and less to do with how many
of them you have had.
I’ve learned-
that it isn’t always enough to be
forgiven by others. Sometimes you
have to learn to forgive yourself.
I’ve learned-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
I’ve learned-
that our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
but we are responcible for who we become.
I’ve learned-
that just because two people argue,
it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other
And just because they don’t argue,
it doesn’t mean they do.
I’ve learned-
that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a
secret. It could change your life forever.
I’ve learned-
that two people can lok at the exact
same thing and see something totally
different.
I’ve learned-
that your life can be changed in a matter of
hours by people who don’t even know you.
I’ve learned-
that even when you think you have no more
to give, when a friend cries out to you
you will find the strength to help.
I’ve learned-
that credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.
I’ve learned-
that the people you care about most in life
are taken from you too soon.
I knew tony and i can say he totally changed my attitude towards gay people. Before him i thought they were all disgusting. I know it might not be a P.C. thing to talk about at this time but he set a good example, was a wonderful guy and made me realize that gay men aren’t neccisarily perverted men. A year or 2 ago a Co-worker of mine named Nate Cooey died of a gunshot wound. I was the manager and he was the host that night and he went home and got shot. They finally concluded that it was a ricochet and he didnt shoot himself (so i’ve heard.) I didnt really hang out with him outside of work but i worked with him alot and his death still haunts me. It’s been a long time and im still shocked and scared that a thing like that happened. I know its going to be just as tough to deal with tony’s death. I’ve been alot closer to my sisters lately and they were best friends with tony. I love them alot and im finding it easy to show them that. I guess thats all i have to say right now.
(In the memory of Anthony Sexton)
Humbly
Brian.