MY birthday sucks: or: Why won't my family listen to me?

The BBQ Pit
1

On Friday I am going to be fifty years old. It’s really bumming me out. I’d hoped to ignore it, or at least have no more acknowledgement than it usually gets, along with other December birthdays in the family.

But when I asked my sister if we would be doing New Years’s Eve as usual(I ordinarily spend it with her, my BIL, and another couple) she said she was planning a bigger do than usual, to “honor” my 50th. I said “I’d really rather not have a birthday”. When she replied as if she though I was kidding I told her "I really,* really* don’t want a party. She said we could let a significant birthday go by like that and I said “YES. WE. CAN.”, and I thought that was the end of it.

But it appears it’s going to happen anyway. I groused about it to my mother and she didn’t understand. She’s a dear, but when I sounded really irritated, and she started to sound hurt, I back off.

I fucking hate this birthday. I can’t pretend any longer that I’m young! I just got an invitation to join AARP! :mad: And for those who would say "You don’t look fifty, " or “Age doesn’t matter”, or any other crap like that, I say “Stuff it!”

Why won’t my family listen to what I wanted? Just for once in my life I want things my own way and I can’t have it. I’m going to have to grit my teeth, paste a false smile on my face, and pretend I like the party, because I really do love them, and to act like I’m acting in this rant would hurt them. I’m afraid of growing old. It won’t be for me like it was for my grandmother recently, I have no kids, so will have no grand-kids, great-grand-kids, or whatever to be around when I am old. When I die my nephews will get what little I may have. They’re going to be wonderful men someday, but if one of them ends up my executor or guardian. it will only be out of duty. I’m going to be so alone.

And yes, I’m being whiny, self-centered and self pitying. It’s the only way to blow off the steam that’s building up. So fuck being 50, and fuck having to go to a party I never wanted.

2

wow…50! and you can still see the keyboard well enough to type!! good for you!! :slight_smile:
Dont let it bug ya so much. Your family obviously cares about you, and just wants to show it. Unless they have been in your shoes they just cannot understand how your feeling. So let it go, let them have fun with you.

3

I humbly suggest that you relax and go have a great time with your family. It takes a lot more energy to be angry and upset than it does to be happy.

Happy birthday!

– Laina, who will be 55 soon and wishes someone would throw me a big party

4

I’m going with the old dude…er, OP.
It’s his damn birthday. Shouldn’t his wishes count for anything?
I’m sure he loves his family. I’m sure he’s gratified that they love him and want to show him that. But if he really doesn’t want a party, why should he be forced to sit through one? So everyone else can have a good time? Do they need an excuse to get together and do that?
However. It sounds like you’re stuck. It’s already planned (I’m assuming), and undoing it would cause a whole lot of explanations and hurt feelings on a lot of different fronts.
Question: Did you tell your wife specifically that you do not want a party before or after it was already planned? Because, if you said at some point over the past year “I don’t want a party, I’d like this one to just slide into the record books without notice. I’m kind of bummed about it. So let’s just let it go, okay?”
Then, she really has no excuse for not respecting your wishes.

5

Er. Sorry. Sister, not wife.

6

Baker’s a girl-type person.

I advise you to celebrate your birthday with a single French pastry at an undisclosed address.

7

Aww 50 ain’t so bad Baker. I’ve been 50 for six whole months now and stuff ain’t falling apart or out yet. :stuck_out_tongue:

I agree that your sister should abide by your wishes. However, it looks like she ain’t gonna do that, so go, enjoy. Beat em up if they give you something that says old fart on it. Oh, and join AARP. There’s some good geezer discounts to be had.

I’m kinda like you in that I don’t have kids and if I live to a ripe old age it’ll be the nieces and the nephews that will have to deal with stuff. That doesn’t bother me, cause after all, they’re getting what I leave behind. I’ll bet they’re all scheming over who’s gonna get the salt and pepper shakers shaped like Graceland, the ingrates!

Course I dearly lurve my “Old Farts Never Die. They Just Hang Around And Smell Funny” tshirt.

-swampbear (gimme them geezer discounts now!)

8

And my inability to discern gender strikes again. :rolleyes: Sorry, Baker.

Which, to me, is all the more reason. Us female types hate being reminded of our ages.

9

Sympathy, or is it empathy, for the OP here. “Giving” a good party to “honour” someone’s birthday is a great thing to do IF it is what the birthday person would LIKE. Holding a pretty much compulsory party for soemone who does not want one is just not so good. All a bit unnecessary in this case as there is already the New Year tradtional excuse for a family get-together.

My parents deliberately went away for a week this year, for fun, yes, but the time was chosen so that no-one would presume to organise a party, or worse, a surprise party for my father’s 70th.

Still, it looks as though you are stuck with it, Baker :frowning: Try to have a good one anyway, and hope the food and drink is good! (Or is it too late to “happen” to have alternative plans?) :slight_smile:

10

So, what would happen if you simply failed to attend?

11

Grr. I’m so glad my brother lives far away.

On the other hand, if you can’t abide the idea of a party, can you begin your midlife crisis at the party? Maybe a barely-legal date? It’s never too late to be Mrs. Robinson.

12

I have been considering “getting sick”, am still trying to figure out what might happen.

13

I feel your pain, Baker. Not only is New Year’s Eve also my birthday, this year is my 30th.

14

And my 40th.

Sorry, Baker honey. You ASKED your sis what the plan was, and she couldn’t know you’d rather have skipped it this year until you told her. And it is a big deal - you’ve successfully completed your very first half-century! NOW is the time, girlfriend. Grab life by its pudgy little cheeks and pinch it 'til it squeals! True, the mundane bullshit of life is not going to go away, and you’ll still have to cope with that, but you’ve got experience, you’ve got wisdom and you’ve got senior discounts! Go for the gusto, baby.

Barring that, drink a shitload of champagne and eat chocolate until you puke, secure in the knowledge that your behavior will be excused on the grounds that you ain’t as young as you used to be.

(Much love to ALL my birthday twins - let’s PARTY!)

15

Maybe Baker can change her handle to Bakette to avoid future confusion. :wink:

16

Whippersnappers!

Baker honey, twin sister of different mothers – as you know, I am in exactly the same boat. I am not only your age, to the day, I’m also childless and hoping my niece and nephew will wait till I’m truly gaga to cart me off to the home instead of doing so prematurely so as to get hold of my collection of shell lamps. I have also been freaking on this birthday big-time. I’m not quite as bummed as you are, I don’t think, but I certainly understand why you are. Which is good – no one else seems to empathize at all.

How the fuck did that happen?

So – it’s your birthday – do what you want. Tell your sister you don’t want to go to the party, don’t want to be cheered up, don’t want a fuss made. If you want to quietly and privately freak out about this – go ahead. Tell her in advance that you’re not going to go – and then don’t.

She can then either cancel the brouhaha and have you over anyway, or have the party without the guest of honor. Her call – just as it’s yours to not want to have people fussing.

I myself am going to go out with friends in the afternoon (though a smaller gathering than originally expected – my BIL’s mother is dying, so he and my sister won’t be joining us, I don’t think), then to a party that night – mostly because my best friend needs a ride to a party he really wants to go to. This is not going to be a birthday party, and though a few people there will know it’s my birthday, the vast majority of them won’t.

Email me if you want to bitch.

17

I’m sorry your family is ignoring your wishes, Baker; OTOH, they’re just trying to cheer you up, however mishandled it may be.

And while I hate this mortality nonsense–where’s a vampire to to grant me eternal life when i need one?-- when the times comes (8-18-2011), I intend to be the baddest 50-year-old daddy bear there is.

18

Happy Birthday!

I turned 50 this past April. I feel your “pain”. And I felt like you do now in the weeks leading up to my birthday.

I just wanted to skip it too. But everyone who knew it was my 50th wouldn’t let me. So I just (grudgingly at first) “went with it”

They had a party at work. Standard for everyone’s birthday there. A lot of my coworkers didn’t know how old I was. My biggest “fear” was that someone was going to ask – hey kevja, how old are you? And five minutes into it, someone did. Instead of being all upset or embarrassed, I just said, 50. They were all so nice – You don’t look 50. I thought you were in your early 40s. Thanks gang, I return the favor on your day.

That happened a few days before I turned 50. But once I said it out loud, and stopped worrying about what I had not done by age 50, focused on what I had done, and all the good in my life, it turned out to be one of the best birthdays I’ve ever had. I got more calls and cards than any other year. People came out of the woodwork. Frankly, it was a wonderful feeling.

I’ll turn 51 in less than four months. To me the number doesn’t sound as cool as 50, and the celebration will be much less subdued, I’m sure. But 50 didn’t turn out to be terrible. Quite the opposite.

Best wishes for a great day and year too.

19

You have ever right to handle the day your way. You made your wishes clear. I know you don’t want to hurt them, but you also have a right to have your feelings considered.

If you decide to go along with them, then just do it. If you back out, don’t drag up a fake excuse. You’re too old for that. :wink:

On my 50th, I spent the day drinking expensive French champagne with girlfriends and attempting to bowl for the first time in my life. My total score was 11 points! (snort)

By that evening, when we were going out to dinner, I was so out of it that all I can remember is trying to get into my panties by tossing them into the air and poking my feet at them.

Turning 50 is not the end of the world. Life can turn around on a dime. I’m about to adopt my first child at 61. (Of course, she’s 38, but it will be legal.) My oldest friend just got engaged for the first time at 62. My mother is in love at almost 92.

Do some thinking about ways to start celebrating life as it is. Set up some outlandish goals for your fifties and start doing something about them. If you continue to be overwhelmed by this, you might want to talk with someone about it.

My hardest birthday was my 40th. I met my husband when I was 41.

You ain’t dead yet, Baker!

20

You could tell them you were stuck in an elevator. :smiley: